Search for the good...

Your mind can do many things, worry, ruminate or meditate. The later being more productive. In the midst of divorce your world seems like its collapsing. It's easy to see only the bleak, to fall so far that the daylight seems faint.

Reflect on good times, pray, listen for God's answer, plan, count your blessings. During a divorce, this isn't easy at all, but it is necessary.

A few years ago (during lent) in the height of nasty litigation that literally kept me up all night until I collapsed in fatigue, I participated in a retreat based on the teachings of St. Ignatius founder of the Jesuit order. I remember commenting to my group that I saw so much evil in the court system (ours is under state and federal investigation for corruption) that I could not see God's good anymore. Intellectually I knew it existed, emotionally I was blind to it.

St. Ignatius advocated seeing God's good in the world, in a sunset, in nature's beauty, in your fellow people. He also developed a set of spiritual exercises and discussed levels of prayer. We've all "talked at God", he advocated reaching a level where you quiet your mind and listen for his answer.

During this time it is easy to see evil, its all around us. It takes effort to search out the good in the world and to be comforted by it. It's easy for our lonely mind to ruminate on our misfortune, its hard to meditate and hear God's direction. It's easy to worry about the future, its hard to find the confidence to take control and direct it.

So when you are alone and tempted to worry, ruminate, and be depressed over your plight, work hard, struggle, to do something better with your solitude. If you can't, I understand, many times I have difficulty too, just keep trying. Even better, find some support to help you.

Best wishes on your journey...

PS: This is the season of lent and I just completed a 3 day Lenten Mission. It was good, but I long for more.

No Prep, No Problem

It's that time again, I go to court at the end of the week. So I figure it's time to set the agenda. I am Pro Se, so I called the opposing lawyer. I ask what we're going to accomplish at the hearing.

"I don't know, my client hasn't called me. It's just a pre-trial, we'll discuss it there."

Translated: "I don't get paid to prepare for court."
Expected result: "Nothing will get accomplished, but we'll schedule another hearing."

How do these pompous assholes have the balls to call themselves professionals? Do you know any professionals that go to a meeting without an agenda and without preparation? That's a trick question. Irresponsible people who do that are not professionals by definition.

What a waste of money that could go to my son. Maybe four years from now my ex and her slow uptake will admit that, just like she recently did about her first lawyer.

Well I'm not going in unprepared. Never have, never will. As a favorite quote of mine goes - "It's not in my nature". I will file an affidavit with the court stating facts that support my request to restore visitation as no evidence has come forward to continue to justify its being withheld. It was easy really, I just wrote down what we discussed in the last two hearings. Maybe seeing it written down the third time will be a charm. I hope so.

Why don't lawyers prepare? Its a conflict of interest. If they prepare, it will result in efficiency, and that will reduce billable hours, and that is the worst thing a lawyer can do. (jqism)

Politicians are ...

how can I say this...

Politicians? Insert your expletives here.

I was at a large job fair recently and there was a booth from our US congressional representative. He wasn't there of course, he's in Washington, DC, there was a "staffer" manning the booth.

This guy was getting softball questions, I figured I'd challenge him a little. I asked him what our representative thought of his home town these days, the corruption, the federal dawn raids, the state supreme court investigations of 3 hour work days and fluffing cases on unelected visiting judges.

His body language gave him away, he was uncomfortable. Why? Is he tied into the local corruption? He is a local staffer, spending his time in our town, not DC. I wasn't indicting him or his boss. I was just saying that our hometown boy needs to come home from DC and "talk to some of the local movers and shakers and move some out and shake some up".

So what does someone who is uncomfortable do, deflect! I asked if we needed a law that makes it illegal for a judge to work 3 hour days (like mine did, as investigated and reported by our major media outlet). His response, well that's out of their jurisdiction, our county courts are subject to state law, it would have to be a federal court for our US congressman to consider legislation. OK, 2 points for the technicality, bullshit deflection. I repeated my challenge, our hometown boy needs to come home from DC and talk to some people here.

He handed me his card, encouraged me to write to the congressman, and dismissed me, no doubt happy to see me go. I'll have to remember his name, in case he ever seeks election.


So how would I complete the sentence?
Politicians are full of shit!
Leave your comments on how you'd complete the sentence.

Do you know HTML?

Today my son and I were doing one thing and my ex was doing her own thing at another table. While I was away from my laptop keyboard for a moment, my young son (from memory, just observing me), launched KompoZer an open source web building tool, like a Dreamweaver Lite and started building a web page. He wanted to spice it up so he launched Word and searched for clipart, then dragged it from Word to KompoZer.

He wanted some words to be big, bigger than Header 1, so he asked. Hmm, well, that's not a standard feature, we'll just edit the source HTML. He watched and read along with me the HTML source code that was generated by KompoZer. Rather than old style (pre XHTML) coding, I used a CSS style tag. Last time I showed him a simple JavaScript, I haven't shown him the more complicated version I wrote to cope with Microsoft's attempt to break javascript.

I showed him the customized iGoogle home page I set up for him, with Nasa photos and his favorite comics. I started to show him a Google Site where you can use their Web builder software since he can't install KompoZer on his Mom's or a library computer.

But here's the interesting part. My ex is looking at this job lead and it specifies that a "familiarity with HTML" is needed. She asks me, Do you know HTML? Duh, yeah, I thought. I responded, Yes and as a matter of fact, our son is getting familiar with it too.

So maybe he'll help her with that, just like he helps her with other computer questions.

She seems to be letting up a little on her technical phobia. Maybe she thought about it a bit and realized that the web site we set up presents no danger. Certainly not that she took my word, she probably consulted a bunch of non-technial friends who couldn't see what her fuss was about.

Actually her phobias aren't limited to technology. She woried when my son watched me use power tools or did any kind of work around the house. It didn't matter that I taught him saftey (wear eye protection) and the dangers of power tools and that he couldn't use them at his age. I actually spent time in court over that. Have any of you been called into court because your child saw you use a powertool? Sound crazy? Because it is?

Well he apparently learned a few things. When the handle fell off her briefcase, my son said no problem and repaired it for her. Guess he's getting to be a little handy man.

She should be happy I spend time teaching my son how to be a boy so he can help her with her problems. Maybe someday she'll admit the obvious. I'm not holding my breath, it will take a long time. It took her 4 years to finally admit that lawyers had ripped us off, but she still didn't learn her lesson on that one either. Some people are just...

Tech Phobia

As I mentioned on Valentines Day we had a disagreement about a web site for my son.

My ex has a long history of tech phobia. For one birthday before separation she gave me a pair of web cams and said this is how you are going to see your son. A bit of a cruel streak too. But then she won't let him use it because Oprah said that web cams make child prostitutes. As if Oprah is technically competent to understand the Internet and protecting children on it. I actually have extensive experience in networking technology, advised the state government ISP, supported global networks, worked on computer security, and even set up the work from home network that my ex still uses.

My son has a little club and he wanted a web site for it, so he asked his Dad who has a career in computers and has plenty of web sites (that she is thankfully ignorant of). He asked me to set up a membership application and email it to his mom. She about jumped out of her chair, don't put her email on the web site. OK, I'll use an email address that I set up for my son. It contains his initials. She was worried about that. How is someone going to compromise my son's safety from a password protected web site with just his initials? The email isn't listed on the password protected site, its embedded in HTML. He actually doesn't access this email address directly, I get it and forward it to her.

Paranoia and ignorance are a dangerous combination (jqism).

He wanted to include a membership roster and I said no to that one as she was about to have a stroke. Here again, a first name isn't really a problem, its when sufficient personal info is given to identify the person and location. No location info is specified or even implied (on purpose).

I had to take his first name off everything to satisfy her which also deprives him of pride of ownership of the site that he is sharing with friends. I showed the web site to another educator of young children I work with and she thought it was neat and had no concerns.

I think my ex got over her concern now, maybe she called Oprah and got the OK, I don't know.

I don't mind debating these issues with my colleagues in the computer security industry at a logical level, but I'd rather not entertain my ex-wife's emotional hysteria or Oprah's sensationalism. Working in the computer and educational environments for 20 years and being selected to advise the state ISP and library systems on these and other network issues I feel confident in my ability to review and eliminate risks of internet access by my son. Unfortunately my ex doesn't share this confidence, she lets her roller coaster emotions be her guide.

I guess you can see my sarcasm and frustration, but I really take a more calm and logical approach. My ex takes an emotional leap to pedophile or death as the consequence to many perceived dangers. I know this has caused credibility problems with my son as I wrote in a previous post where my ex actually told my son he could die of tetanus from handling a (rusty) railroad spike. He knows that's not true and I really see no point in exaggerating.

As for use of technology, it's going to happen, it's everywhere. Rather than tell doom and gloom stories, crying wolf, and attempting to ban it, I know my son will respond better to giving logical rules.

Status: Second Draft - Last Updated 02/18/09 11 am

Valentine's Day for the Divorced?

Some people talk about celebrating divorce, I see little to celebrate.

First the divorce wrecked havoc on myself, my ex, and worst of all my son who didn't deserve this.

Second, many people equate divorce with freedom. Not me, I am still faced with her because of my son. Ask me again in a decade when my son is an adult.

St. Valentine's Day holds some special meaning for me, while planning to celebrate it in some romantic way, my ex (and her perverse sense of timing) announced her decision to end the marriage. No need to discuss anything or work on it for the sake of our innocent son, just do what she thinks would make her "happy".

So how should divorcee's commemorate the day?

As for me, I'll be spending it with my ex. Yee Ha! (sarcasm!) Since my ex insists on supervising my visitation, it looks like I'll be spending time with my son and my tag along ex on Valentine's Day. How many people will be doing that? I don't particularly want to see her any day let alone Valentine's Day. My focus will be on my son.

At another divorce blog I like a lot, someone posted a Valentine's Day cocktail.

Let's see what drink would be appropriate? My usual drink is CC and Ginger. A smooth Canadian Whiskey and a not too sweet mix. 7 & 7 is too sweet.

But for this occasion I think that the better choice would be a "Snake Bite".

2 oz of Yukon Jack over ice with a splash of Rose's Lime juice.

No substitutions - Yukon Jack is a strong (100 proof) Canadian Whiskey with a unique taste (strong bite).

Yukon Jack is the "black sheep of Canadian Whiskeys", "a taste born of hoary (gray or white with or as if with age) nights, when lonely men struggled to keep their fires lit and cabins warm."

Yep that will be my Saturday toast. I checked and I have the ingredients.

If you don't have that, then how about a "Screwdriver" (to celebrate being screwed by your divorce).

2.5 oz vodka
4 oz fresh orange juice

Cheers...

Guess I'll have to stop by here on Sunday and let everyone know how it went.

Feel free to comment here and tell me how you plan to "celebrate" the day or how it went.

Update:

---

So I had a decent day, despite my ex being there as a tag along and being a pain. Actually I had two days... On Friday I went swimming with my son for a few hours. My visitation is supposed to be four hours on the weekend, usually on Saturday. When I asked her about Saturday (Valentine's Day) she seemed a little curt, less than enthused. I suppose she could have tried to schedule it for Sunday, but she didn't. Maybe in some perverse way she'd rather see that I wasn't with anyone else on that day. I had been dating last year, but am not seeing anyone now.

My son called me a few times on Valentine's Day morning, asking me to bring some things. The court said 4 hours, she said 3, no one tells her what to do, but it turned out to be 6 hours. On the one hand she left us alone a lot to make calls or whatever, on the other hand she had to be her controlling self. She insisted he do some school work. So we did.

We had some fun too. I brought him a bouquet of Tootsie Pops, Valentine's Day cards (from me, my parents, and his cousin), and some brownies with real frosting just like his aunt (my brother's wife) made him a few weeks ago. See my ex only makes "healthy" brownies without frosting (kind of like a hard chocolate cake, yuk). My son is tall and thin, he doesn't need to be on a diet. I could see her getting ready to raise a fuss when I brought out the brownies, but she bit her tongue and let him have it.

He was making some labels and it wasn't working so we figured it out. We had a bit of a disagreement when my son asked me to set up a web site for him. Her protectionism and control kicked in. More on that later in another post. After I got home, my son continued to call me about the web site.

In the evening, I watched some movies, dabbled on the web (for my son), had a couple of snake bites and relaxed.

All in all, a decent day. Could have been better, but these days I have to be (somewhat) happy with what I can get (jqism).

Status: Second Draft

Our courts don't work !

A reader of my post from Dec "My ex is a control freak" commented:

"I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you're dealing with a major control freak. I'm not sure how the court system works where you are but here in NYC she can't just change your visitation without going to court first. If I were you I would tell her that your visitation will remain the same until the court says otherwise, or somehow document the fact that she has not been allowing you to have your scheduled meetings with your son. That will play in your favor in future proceedings. Speak with your lawyer and find out what is the best plan moving forward for both you and your son's sake."

Thanks for the empathy... How do our courts work here? They don't, not just my opinion, our newspaper reported that our State Supreme Court has labeled our county divorce courts as inefficient, non-compliant, slow, and the worst in the state. What's been done about it. Nothing ! Actualy worse than nothing, see this post.

No one, and I mean no one, tells my ex anything, she doesn't answer to me, she doesn't answer to the courts, and she doesn't even answer to God (not yet anyway), when her religion frowned on the divorce, she changed it.

Our divorce courts pick a winner (residential parent) and a loser (NCP). I was designated the loser. My rights are practically unenforceable. Offically, my asswipe court order says we have shared parenting. BULLSHIT. See the long list of visitation problems I have had. But as I said before, I don't settle, I fight, but its an uphill battle.

My ex wanted to allow me 1 hour per week. The magistrate bumped that up to 2 hours after school 1 day a week and 4 hours on the weekend. I pointed out that this is still short of my (fairly limited) court ordered 4 hours after school 3 days a week. She did make a concession to allow one overnight and possibly some extended weekend visits.

At this point in time I can not afford a lawyer. That's not necessarily a bad thing, they don't work well in this county either as my many legal abuse posts show. Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'll get my visitation back, but it is a slow process that started in Nov 2008 and isn't likely to conclude at our next hearing in March 2009.

I do thank you for your encoragement, it helps me continue the fight for what is right.

Label Explanations

I will define the label use here in the future....


Admin

• BlogAnn - Announcements about Blog content or structure
  
• Legal Notice - Legal / copyright info related to Blog
  
• To Followup - The post introduces a topic which will yield a new post in the future
  
• ToBeUpdated - Blog posts that will be updated
• ToBe UpOld - Old posts that need to be updated
  
• UnCat - uncategorized content
• Updating - content is being updated
• Upyymm - Content updated in the month yymm
  

Court Issues

• Deadbeat - Issues surrounding the accusation of "deadbeat dad" and child support mistakes
• Financial -
• Legal Abuse -
  
• My Case -
  
• Process - How the legal process operates
  
• Visitation -
  

Personal Posts

• Aggravation -Things that aggravate me
• Damage - How divorce damages people
• Ex - Post about my ex-wife
• Personal - Post about myself
• Son - Post about my son

Content

• Editorial -
  
• Encouragement -
  
• Political -
  
• Pop Culture - Something from the pop culture (music, movies) that may relate
  
• Tips -
  

Terminology

• jqism - An interesting short quote of JQ75 imparting my hard learned lessons of the system, copyrighted, trademarked
• There is a web page defining various terms I use in this blog.
• If you see a term underlined, but it isn't a link, hover over it and you will see a help bubble describing it.
  

Status: This new post 01/11/09 will be left here for a month and then moved to the beginning of the blog in 2006. Added some terminology info including my famous "jqism" on 1/24/09

Cutting off your nose to improve your face

My ex is aggravating, so finally after keeping silent about her for the first few years of this blog I'm going to tell you a little about her. You'll notice a new label on this and some previous posts - Ex. I'll use this new label for posts that describe my ex. So if you've ever wondered about her, click here, and see all the posts I've labeled as Ex.

You know the old cliche - Cutting off your nose to spite your face... Sounds stupid, but its a cliche because it is so true. That's how cliches become cliches.

What causes people to do that? Stubbornness. Ego. They'd rather be right, even if it hurts.

We were going to meet at the pool so I could see my son. She called 15 minutes before we supposed to meet to tell me he had a headache and may be getting sick with a sore throat and earache, so no pool. She said she'd give him Tylenol and call me in 30 minutes to see if he felt up to a visit at the library. I called her in 33 minutes (she's habitually late) and she said he was feeling better and was up for a visit.

So I head over to the library. Surprise, they closed early due to the poor weather. We had about a foot of snow and it took me over an hour just to snow blow my driveway earlier today. The roads weren't that great but the snow had slowed and it was passable. No problem for people used to this climate. So I call her several times and she isn't answering. So I go to her place, right next to the library to catch her before she leaves and ask where we'll meet (neutral ground, not my place or hers).

She is still dallying (wasting time) and my son is already and waving to me from the window. I tell him the library is closed. She comes out and repeats it in disbelief. So she says lets meet at the community center (where the pool is) but just spend time in the lounge area. OK.

Her parking lot was a mess, I almost got stuck. She had one foot of snow all around her car and on top of it. She was going to need to shovel the drift behind her car just to get out of the close parking spot she was in. But I made another observation, if she left her spot that had no snow in it (just around it), someone else would get it and she'd have to park in the unplowed parking lot that was nearly a foot deep throughout, possibly getting stuck like I almost did.

So I offered to drive her and my son the less than 1 mile to the community center. She quickly said NO, she would not accept a ride from me. She'd rather spend the time (cutting into my already shortened visit) digging her car out only to loose her spot and get stuck in the unplowed parking lot when she returned.

She doesn't think much of my driving because 7 years ago I got into two bad accidents caused by an undiagnosed sleep disorder while working long third shifts and commuting 100 miles per day. Never mind that this problem is diagnosed, treated, and hasn't reoccurred. So I offer that she can drive my car, the same make and model as hers except that it is newer, if that would make her more comfortable.

NOPE! So I help her clean off her car and move the 1 foot of snow from around her car as my excited son sat staring bored from the window inside (she didn't want him out in the cold). So we finally arrive at the community center nearly 2 hours after we were scheduled (by the court) to visit.

And when it was over, I'm sure she had fun in her unplowed lot. But she didn't have to lower herself to accept a short ride from me.

They say that your post-divorce relationship when you have kids should be business like. A business like relationship doesn't include stubborn ego manic behavior. It would recongnize and appreciate a win-win scenario (keep your parking spot, share a ride, save time). Four years after seperation and she's still got to be in control.

Freedom of Religion

"OF" not "FROM"

It's just one word, but it changes all the meaning. When ever anyone wants to express their religion the secularist propagandizers sternly remind us of "Separation of Church and State". Their message relies on most people's ignorance of history.

The founding forefathers were very religious, not atheists, not securalists, not communist, not totalitarian. They were not telling people they couldn't practice religion, they encouraged religious expression. The term "Separation of Church and State" dates to a time when the "State" was tightly tied to a religion, many European countries were tied to Roman Catholicism, others like England sponsored their own religion. So in some countries only the Catholic religion was tolerated, if you chose another religion you were persecuted by the government. America was founded on the freedom to practice your own religion and vowed not to select a "State Sponsored" religion.

No offense to my protestant breathern, but the first time I entered the "Church of Ireland" which was really England's State Sponsored religion invading Ireland and their attempt to route out Catholicism, I was dismayed that rather than religious monuments the thing that jumped out at me was a large array of Flags bearing the Coat of Arms of Heads of State. What? Who is being worshiped here I wondered - God or Government? And that is the problem with State Sponsored Religion, it attempts to remove your freedom of belief's and transplant government control under the guise of religion. Now I assume that the Anglican religions believe in God rather than Queen these days, but it wasn't always that way.

But my concern this day is how perverted the secularist propaganda is. Rather than sponsoring a particular brand of Christianity it is, in the false name of freedom, sponsoring atheism or secularism reaching the point of worshiping the State itself. Make no mistake about it, this interference in personal freedom is what led people to flee their home and seek safe haven in America. How ironic that 200 years later people twist and distort history and try to stifle our religious freedom in the names of our founding forefathers. Oh how angry their spirits must be, surely they are rolling over in their graves in frustration and disgust. And how could this fraud be perpetrated on the public? Our founding forefathers envisioned a participative government, not passive citizenry being led to slaughter like sheep.

So if I don't know you, I wish you Happy Holidays for whatever your beliefs dictate this time of year. If you are a fellow Catholic or Christian then I specifically wish you a very Merry Christmas as we look forward to the joy of Jesus Christ's birth and his second coming. if you are a Jewish friend I wish you (a belated) Happy Hanukkah, we differ in our view of Jesus, but we share a common Old Testament and belief in the Almighty God.

And no matter what you believe I wish you all a prosperous and Happy New Year and the hope that citizens will switch off reality TV, so they can participate and take control of our government as was intended. Don't drink the Kool Aide, question the propaganda (organized lies), its not pretty, but it is reality. Good night and may God bless you even if you don't believe.

Is Mommy Stupid?

That's what my son asked me one day. I've told this story many times, but I guess I never posted it. I struggled to keep a straight face and asked "Why do you ask that?"

We have two abandoned railroads near my house and my son and I often hike through the surrounding woods and on the tracks. Sometimes we find interesting things like railroad spikes. They are of course rusty, but not sharp or flaking off. The first time he found a spike he couldn't wait to show it off to his mom.

Her reaction, she recoiled back from him as if he was holding a deadly snake, she yelled to put that dirty rusty thing down. He wanted to take it to her apartment but she would not have that and said NO! I soothed his hurt ego and said that it would be better to keep it at my house.

So his answer was that "Mommy says that I could get tetanus and die from touching a railroad spike and I just know that's not true". I thought for a moment and rejected my first response "Mommy's not stupid she's just crazy" without saying it out loud. So I gave him the scientifically honest answer as I always do - "A long time ago people could get very sick and die from tetanus. You should not pick up rusty things with sharp edges because if they cut you and the rust gets into your blood stream you could get an infection. If you got cut from something rusty you should tell us right away and we'd take you to the hospital and you'd get a tetanus shot so you wouldn't get sick. It would hurt, but you'd get better and wouldn't die, not these days, we've been able to treat this for some time. A railroad spike usually doesn't have sharp rusty edges, but always look first and ask if you aren't sure."

One time when we were walking the railroad tracks my son got excited and said "Oh, grandma and I left some spikes here". He was talking about my ex's mother who apparently didn't share her daughter's tetanus phobia. When they found the spikes, she told her own mother NO! So my son put them somewhere he could find them later and we did.

So that's just an example of what my son and I have to put up with. Why don't the courts see this as unhealthy over-protectionism? Well they just like to error on the side of caution, for BIC of course. But then by definition "unhealthy over-protectionism" is an unhealthy over reaction, it is NOT in the best interest of the child (BIC) at all.

But that's just common sense and that has no place in the justice system (jqism).

My ex is a control freak

A reader asks:

Is she always there when you get to see your son? Do you always have to have your joy at seeing your son dampened by seeing her too?

She never wanted me to have my own visitation with my son, but the court order does allow me to see him without her after school on three nights.

She will often "suggest" what I should do with my son or what he should eat. She questions him and I after nearly every visit. Not that she's so damn good herself, she has left him in questionable care, he has gotten hurt in her care, and he eats more fast food with her than I. Why? Double standard. What she does is OK.

One of the big restrictions is justified by my sleep apnea. She fears that I will be too fatigued to care for him or that I will get in a car accident. But I am very aware and am treated for sleep apnea and it hasn't been a problem. She on the other hand used to be asleep when I got home from 3rd shift and my son was up, unsupervised. Why? You don't need a sleep disorder to be fatigued, and she often is in the morning to the point where he is rushed to school at the last minute. What is the difference? My condition is documented AND treated, hers isn't!

Two months ago she decided that she wanted more control and has stopped him from coming to my house after school. So in the mean time I only see him once a week with her present, a violation of the existing court ordered visitation.

Yes that does dampen the visit and yes it does piss me off. Like I said in my Happy Birthday post it is awkward. And that's an understatement. But I focus on him. And hopefully an upcoming hearing is going to deny her request for more restrictive visitation.

But that's what she wants, for her to be in control and for me to be uncomfortable. I have often said, she has more control over me now than when we were married. But it's not just me. She is very controlling of my son and I'm sure that he's uncomfortable too.

She has many untreated phobias, germs too. She always has her bottle of Purell (hand sanitizer) that she uses way too much of. And sure enough it came out in the bowling alley. When he was a child she could not watch him swing, not because he would swing too high, but just because of the repetitive movement on the swing. I have a swing in my back yard that he uses and he uses the school playground at recess, but his mom doesn't swing.

I have this little glimmer of hope, that this new magistrate will see her for what she is, will see her untreated phobias and unreasonable restrictions and force them both to be fixed. Sometimes she can push things just too far and they could back fire. It would be so good if this magistrate finally applied a little justice to an unjust situation.

A bright spot

Our city had a holiday celebration for kids yesterday. I met my son there, then at the magistrates' suggestion we did something fun afterwards. He suggested bowling or a movie. My ex chimed in that my son loves to bowl.

At the holiday party I gave my son a super bouncing ball that looked like a little basketball (that I got while I was downtown for court) and I got him two washers that he needed so he could fix something for his Mom better. He played games, won prizes, saw a magic show and had fun.

Imagine my surprise when I asked so when did you bowl last - about a year. If he likes it so much how come she never takes him to do it? She decided she didn't want to bowl (she's done it a lot more than I) but I did just because I wanted to do something with my son. I think it's been a five or ten years since I bowled. Never bowled much.

Why don't I take him bowling? My visitation (before her recent reduction) was so limited that I only feed him and supervise his homework. I never get him for a whole day, or overnight, or on the weekends. In the summer, I get him after his summer camp, which actually cuts my visitation even shorter (in violation of the visitation order, but my ex gives orders better than following them).

So we did have a lot of fun. I had a strike in each of the first two games, two strikes in a row the third game and five strikes in the fourth game (guess I was warming up). My son's score was keeping close to mine and he got a strike in the last game. She shrieked approvingly, he covered his ears.

The most fun of course was spending time with him...

You want that Journalized?

I got extra sleep before this week's hearing and luckily I was able to think on my feet, despite the high stress of my son's visitation being on the line.

I fired a lawyer for screwing up a journalization which caused a verbal visitation agreement to be cut in half. So its odd that I had the exact opposite situation this week.

The magistrate observed and warned my ex that she was in violation of court ordered visitation. We made a compromise agreement for (reduced) visitation as I respond to her "concerns". Her lawyer asked for a visitation journalization form to protect "me" in case my ex reneged on even this reduced visitation.

First my docket is long enough and I don't need more entries in it. But there's a bigger reason, why document a reduced interim visitation schedule that could supersede my existing visitation order?

So I said that her lawyer's hand written notes of the interim agreement would be acceptable and asked her for them. This had the following advantages:

• Legally my existing visitation order is still in force
• The Magistrate viewed me positively as being cooperative and flexible
• I have the lawyer's handwritten notes as proof of our interim agreement
  
• The magistrate would view my ex reneging on the agreement negatively so its unlikely I need the "protection" of it being journalized

The rule has always been "get it in writing" and for the most part that is true, but remember that there is always an exception to the rule. And I think this is one of them.

Its not my job man

I don't do computers

BULLSHIT!!! That makes as much sense as I don't do VCRs or calculators. It's the 21st century damn it, use today's tools or go be a covered wagon wheel maker. Computer's are today's tools, checkout clerks need to use them properly for minimum wage so lawyers making 30-50 times more need to use them too. The minimum wage wage checkout clerk can't make a $10 error in grocery's without being fired, so why should a lawyer making so much more be able to make $10,000 errors and expect not only to be employed, but to be paid for making such a careless mistake.

The direct product of the lawyer is the legal agreements and property division so when these are unusable what the hell is he being paid for? Today's tool isn't a quill pen and abacus, its Word and Excel.

But lawyers are so caught up in their legal education they feel that knowing how to properly use a computer is beneath them. Well it isn't. Its just a stupid excuse for being ignorant and lazy. Now if you have some national celebrity lawyer, maybe he can't be bothered, then get a staff, otherwise do it yourself. But if you are going to do it yourself, know what the hell you are doing. Actually in corporate law you will usually see support staff doing much of the computer work at reduced cost.

But the idea that the lawyer can charge top buck, then provide an inferior product because he is too proud to learn how to use a computer is completely unacceptable.

There is a serious cost to the client for computer misuse, first in inefficiency causing inflated bills and second in errors made and more time to correct them.

In my case, I was billed for inefficient computer use by my lawyer, then we argued about his mistakes and I was billed for the argument, then when he finally admitted the error, I was billed again for his inefficient correction. In what other profession can you make 300% as a reward for screwing up? In divorce law you pay for hours not results (jqism).


Status: First Draft - Last Updated 12/13/08 6 PM

Math for Moron Lawyers

While I'm on the topic of computer use and lawyers, I might as well mention their other deficient skill - Spreadsheets.

I've mentioned this in a few other posts:

• Dumb and Dumber - Commingling mistake, columns are cheap, don't commingle. Offered assistance, lawyer was too proud to accept it.
  


• There's Big Bucks in Checking Your Lawyers Work - Cutting opposition fees charged to you, caring vs. carelessness, tax deductible by calling it alimony, misuse of Excel, saved $40,000 in one month by checking lawyers work.
  


• Lawyers can’t do math - Math done in text footnotes, careless errors, dated spreadsheet shows it was held back to cause delays.
  

Divorce Lawyers are equally inept with spreadsheets. Again just using the computer like a typewriter without regard to its proper use. Their spreadsheets are so inept that it probably isn't good to try to fix it. Get a copy just to prove their ineptedness. You most likely will need to design it from scratch. Extra work? Yes! But as I said in the above posts it can cost you serious bucks.

So what should you do that your lawyer won't?

• Design the spreadsheet
• Let the spreadsheet do all the calculations
  
• Use control and named cells
• Use variables rather than hard coded constants (eg split = 50%)
  
• Use extra (hidden) columns (or rows) to audit or calculate intermediate results
• Use the scenario manager rather than multiple duplicate sheets
• Use data validation and conditional cell formatting
• Use Audit Trace feature to validate correctness
• Don't commingle unlike funds (liquid/illiquid, different tax consequences, pensions, owed vs. controlled)
• Save each version
  

You are doing this to protect yourself, not to encourage your lawyer to slide out of his fiduciary responsibility to you.

You should consider outsourcing financial issues to a CPA trained in divorce issues, they are better trained in math.

And what should your lawyer be doing?

• All of the above !!!
• Learn how to use their computer efficiently.
  
• Don't keep reinventing the wheel, use templates.
• Realize that legal advice is only half their job, producing usable d0cuments and accurate property settlements is equally important and requires proper computer skills.
• If they can't or won't do it, then delegate it to competent support staff or outsource it to a divorce trained CPA.
  

Status: Second Draft - Last Updated 12/13/08 6:30 PM

Maintainable Documentation

Some divorce documentation, especially the parenting plan need to be referenced, maintained, and updated over a period of a decade or more.

If you are lazy and get paid regardless off results, as most divorce lawyers are, then you slap a piece of shit document together full of tabs, spaces, maybe using auto page numbering. Without a template or structure it takes several times longer to produce and update, but that's OK because you bill by the hour, not the results. The client pays more for your poor skills and productivity.

I received a document so bad, it's outline numbering botched terribly that it actually created a legal ambiguity. After correcting and complaining several times, I told my lawyer to leave it that way (since I was sure he wasn't going to fix it) so that I could call the document's validity into question in the future and attempt to exercise the severability clause. Now you'd think he'd acquiesce in embarrassment and fix it, Nope! He'd rather show his power and control over his client than do the right thing legally.

I gave up on my lawyer being efficient and doing as I asked, I could see he was just a stubborn ass. So I did it myself and it already helped at my hearing yesterday in finding the answer more quickly and accurately to the Magistrate's questions.

What did I do? Nothing a current elementary school student couldn't do, common sense and organization. I took my lawyer's haphazard shitty document and carefully edited it without changing its meaning. I changed all hard coded tabs, numbering, etc to paragraph positioning, widow control (keep with next, keep together), defined styles, use of HEADING n styles and auto numbering.

This helps make the document more readable. The use of HEADING n styles allows use of the Outline view to focus on sections of the document and also allows you to generate an automatic Table of Contents (important when they run over 90 pages).

Was that overkill? A waste of time? NO!! Just one advantage in preparation, one need for an update and the effort is paid for. And the odds of that in a decade are guaranteed several times over.

But why, oh why, do I have to fix what I paid so much for? It shouldn't be. The legal document is the end product that is charged at a very high price. Its internal organization, readability and maintainability are every bit as important as the punctuation and wording. Anything less is careless, sloppy, and of questionable value.

And when I get the time, I will take my former lawyers to court to answer that question. They think they took me for a sucker. We'll see who gets the last laugh! Vengeance, or in this case justice, is a meal best served cold, when my anger subsides and I can define their transgressions clearly and without emotion.

Status: Last Updated 12/13/08 6:40 PM

Surprise

Well it wasn't quite a victory, but it turned out much better than my expectations based on my experiences.

First I arrived on time, despite my car not being available and spending over 2 hours to get to the court building before it even opened. My ex and her lawyer arrived late.

I mentioned to the Central Motions Scheduler and to the Magistrate that I had never been properly served with the motions and that my calls for copies of them went unanswered. The magistrate gave me his copy while we waited for the tardy Plaintiff.

He chastised Plaintiff counsel for improper service and said that it was not fair to continue without it. I told him that even though I had little time to review it, I was prepared to move forward to resolve the issue. He handed me a waiver of service and thanked me for my cooperation.

He discussed my visitation and expressed surprise at its restrictiveness. When my ex tried to brag that she allowed some visitation in the last two months, he pointed out that she was in violation of an existing court order for visitation and while he understood her complaints they didn't "rise to the level of preventing visitation" and that "you need to make arrangements for the holidays". Sensing that the magistrate was serious her lawyer pushed her to make specific commitments.

Knowing my ex, I anticipated her complaints, sight unseen, and had prepared a response. The magistrate was impressed with the actions I took and my response. When he asked questions regarding the parenting plan, I had quick answers referencing a special annotated and cross indexed version, while my ex and her lawyer looked unprepared.

He strongly implied that one motion would be denied and the other two should be negotiated. This magistrate was more Father Friendly than anyone I have seen in the court system. I have to go back next month and I will be very prepared again. Hopefully we will resolve her complaint then.

I wondered why this magistrate hadn't handled the parenting plan the first time around, but the answer to that is easy, he makes the lawyers work, he pushes them to respond. The lawyers much preferred my absentee judge who wasn't even their 60% of the time, much less push them to do anything.

After four years in court I'm still observing and learning new things about how this "system" "works". And this time I wasn't intimidated to use my digital recorder either.

Back to Court

Four fuckin years already and no end in sight... Just fuckin shoot me (JFSM).

As I mentioned, my ex decided to stop my visitation and file against me in court for my birthday last month. The restrictive parenting plan in place now cost me over $20,000 in legal fees, my total legal fees exceeded $100,000, I have no more money for lawyers or anything else.

So early tomorrow morning (12/11) I head to the familiar court system by myself to go up against not one lawyer but two who want to keep my son from me. Parasites sucking the life out of families for profit, kind of makes prostitution look respectable.

Luckily my corrupt judge, the Dis-Honorable A.J.R., is busy moving into his newer bigger digs, his reward for kissing lawyer ass and screwing the public who was dumb enough to elect his famous last name. So he won't hear the case, its delegated to a magistrate.

Someone commented that I appeared agitated yesterday. Yeah I'm fuckin aggitated, I'm reading and preparing for the hearing. Oh you shouldn't... No choice, no fuckin choice. That's my miserable life now, a bunch of divorce industry assholes bossing this 52 year old around like a 15 year old. FUCKIN BASTARDS !!!

I'd mention my strategy here, but some dumb bitch has taken it on herself to be contacting the parties. That's OK, when I get time I'll sue her meddling ass too.

Man on Fire

I'm a photo, movie, and music fan, haven't put out anything with this tag in a while, so here's a post on a popular movie that I see a connection too.

Man on Fire, staring Denzel Washington and Dakota Fanning is an intense movie about kidnapping and corruption in Mexico (originally in Italy). The movie is intense, violent, rated R for a reason. It is remarkable that Dakota being as young as she was could be exposed to such intensity. Christopher Walken stars as Denzel's friend, a different role from his usual bad guy, instead he helps set Denzel's background and add some humor. Marc Anthony plays the father of Dakota, married to Radha Mitchell, her mother. Mickey Rourke does a great job of playing the arrogant corrupt family lawyer. Rachel Ticotin as the helpful investigative reporter and Giancarlo Giannini as one of the few caring non-corrupt officials play their roles very well.

But the sub plot is how a child breaks through a man's cold heart, burned out from his intense work ethic and violent military career. When she is kidnapped, he erupts with a passion, a mission he truly cares about. To rid the system of its corruption. And that he does, showing no mercy to those who abused their trust.

If you get a chance, the double DVD version has an alternate ending suggested by Denzel. Still tragic, but some personal vengeance dispensed. Notice how the villains keep rationalizing with "I'm a professional" or "it's just business" or "I'm sorry", at one point Denzel gets sick of it and orders the villain to stop saying that.

Our judges and their "officers" (lawyer's, guardians, evaluators, social workers) are all "professionals" too and they say they are sorry that their large case load can't always deliver BIC, but then some work only three hours a day for full time pay, so what kind of sincerity is that? Lying bastards and bitches.

Certainly this storyline is intense, the heartbreak severe, kidnapping assisted by the corrupt system. Do you see a parallel? Oh technically you could say there is no comparison, but practically on an emotional level, right here in this United States; Is the breaking up of families, the relegation of NCPs to less than a parent, really so much better? Do we, us pompous ass American's, have any right to watch that movie and criticize Mexico as third world, when we American's do a very similar thing on a much grander scale? We are so blind to our own problems. And do our corrupt officials deserve any less punishment than their's? What have they done to deserve mercy?

Am I saying they should all be killed? No, that's a bit drastic. But I do firmly believe that they should pay for their crimes, hard time, like any other criminal and never hold an office of trust again in their lifetime. That would be justice. I pray for that day.

---

Some movie quotes:

• Dear God, I do not ask for health or wealth. People ask you so often that you can't have any left. Give me, God, what else you have. Give me what no-one else asks for. Amen.
• Creasy [pause] You're smiling.
• [about Creasy] I think he's been sick. He's all right now, but I think he's been very, very sick.
• Pita (Dakota): There are some good things in this world.
  Creasy: Oh yeah, like what?
  Pita: Like meeting me.
  
• [about Creasy] She showed him it was OK to live again.
  
  
• Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting.
• A man can be an artist... in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good he is at it. Creasey's (Denzel's) art is death. He's about to paint his masterpiece.
• He'll deliver more justice in a weekend than ten years of your courts and tribunals. Just stay out of his way,
  
• You know, I-I'm a professional.
  [Creasey (Denzel)]: That's what everybody keeps saying. "I'm just a professional". Everybody keeps saying that to me. "I'm just a professional", "I'm just a professional". I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that.
• I got all the time in the world. *You* don't, but I do.
• Last wish? I wish you had more time.
  
• Okay, my friend. It's off to the next life for you. I guarantee you, you won't be lonely.
• [Creasy is planning to go after Fuentes, a high-ranking corrupt police lieutenant]
  Mariana: He's better protected than the president of Mexico!
  Creasy (Denzel): He's gonna need it.
• 2.5 million, that's what Victor got, isn't it? 2.5 million to your lawyer [Mickey Rourke] that he put in an account in the Cayman Islands, but he won't get a chance to spend it. What happened to the other five Sam (Marc Anthony)? Huh? That's 2.5, 2.5. What is five from ten? That's five. What happened to the other five, Sam?
  
  
• Do you think God'll forgive us for what we've done? No.
  
• Revenge is a meal best served cold.