SSNY

Same Shit - New Year

What to say, Happy Fuckin New Year. Well there are some improvements in my life, so my mood isn't as sour as this title, but the promised freedom from my ex 7 months ago has failed to materialize. We separated in March 2005, the divorce was final in May 2007, it is now 2008 and this is my life in the new year.

• Still in legal battles, not by my choice.
• Still do not have releases to allow access to my son's records, if I had to take him to emergency room I could not consent to treatment, I am NCP (fn 1). A paramedic stranger has more rights over my son. The court ordered me to receive shared parenting rights, my ex has not chose to grant them.
• Still being arbitrarily shorted on visitation.
• Still have driving restrictions for my son despite successful 6 year treatment of Sleep Apnea and no motor vehicle accidents or even incidents since.
• Still do not have Guardianship for my son's savings account that I made all the contributions to as ordered by the decree.
  
• Got a letter from my former lawyer a few days ago, haven't opened it yet
• Ex announced she will default on credit card she is ordered to pay, doesn't matter to her, the card company does not recognize her as responsible despite the court order, they take the stance that their contract holding me responsible supersedes any court order, so I am on hook for it, so I am forced to pay it, making the order --- wait for it, wait, wait --- ASSWIPE!!!
• Shouldn't I be able to respond in kind, pay legal bills with the same useless asswipe as they provide me?
• Later the same day after I paid this month's bill (fn 2) she threatened me that she would keep defaulting.

And what are many people advising me? Accept the unacceptable (shit), settle. But one special close friend is telling me to never settle. Why such disparity in advice? I believe the extent to which people care about an issue has a lot to do with things. The simple advice from someone who could give a shit is just settle for what you can get. Is it ironic that they call it a divorce "settlement", or is it just the literal definition of uncaring people who are uninterested in your welfare? I suggest it is the latter.

Should I settle? Should I embrace misery as my destiny (as the majority has counseled me to do)? The idea doesn't sit well with me.
How much sugar is needed to make these turds taste better and where can I get a recipe for preparation? This is a dish I will pass on.

Part of my personality, my perseverance and perfectionism contributes to my viewpoint on this issue. When I see an injustice like the divorce system I know it shouldn't be, and I want to overcome it, but it is so deeply entrenched and the system "fights back" to assert its authority. This is where the serenity prayer should take effect, but what is the balance point, what can be overcome. I think the system conspires to dupe people into thinking they have no choices where they really do. On the flip side, it may be too idealistic of me to think I can completely overcome it and never settle.

Intellectually I'd have to say its a challenge of finding a balancing point. And since conventional wisdom has broken down and provided no real guidance, then the task at hand is to aggressively test the divorce system's boundaries and its negative impact to be very sure if it must be accepted or if there is indeed a more acceptable alternative.

What I have learned is that there is absolutely a better alternative in many cases, but the parties involved and the system's greed conspire to make them illusive. What it really needs to come down to is the divorce industry needs to be less self centered and more problem solving. But this is such a gigantic paradigm shift which worries all the divorce industry on whether they can be as successful as their current parasitic feeding off their clients. It is much too idealistic to think that the mere transformation from parasite to improving force would motivate the good in these people to do the right thing.

There is another major reason for challenging the system, "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem". And people's silence for the travesty that occurs daily in the divorce system allows the arcane abuse to continue to occur. Is it fair that someone who is a victim of the system be called on to summon even more strength to fight the system? NO! But the system isn't fair either. I know I will not single handedly change the system, but I may impact some areas, and I know I will fail if I don't try. And just settling, giving up, not trying, not caring, is the worst type of failure there is. It's been said I'm not good with failure, so if I'm gonna fail it won't be for lack of trying. It's the only way I can live with myself, and its important to be able to do that.

There are success stories in my case where I have pushed the boundaries of conventional wisdom and they have yielded. Why should I have made progress in my case where others have failed? The simple answer - CARING! When you care deeply about something you can skip past all the formal training there is, past the so called experts, to the front of the line.

All the training and credentials in the world don't amount to a hill of beans if you really don't give a shit (jqism).

And I give a shit, I care, I don't accept that I must accept the same shit on a new day.

Accepting the unacceptable, settling, is the quick path to not solving the problem in front of you. (jqism).

I'm not in this for quick non-solutions, I prefer quality real solutions, but like anything worthwhile, it requires work, its not easy nor quick. (jqism).

---

Footnote 1 - I will be adding a new HTML technique to my posts using the ANCHOR TITLE tag, the NCP is an example of it, if you hover over it, a tool tip opens up telling you it is a Non-Custodial Parent. When you see an underlined colored item it is usually a link, if you see an underlined uncolored item it may be a TITLE tag, hover over it and see what else I am telling you about it. This is kind of a short cut, but not a substitution for my terminology page on my companion site.

Footnote 2 - Rather than just pay it without an audit trail, I wrote a check to my ex for the amount with a memo line that said "short term loan" and told her to go to that bank, cash the check and take the cash and deposit it into her account the same day, she balked, I insisted and said that I would go with her to ensure it was done.

Now this is the least level of precaution, the next is a more formal loan agreement, I have a sample if someone needs it and will write a post about that. The last level, which you can obtain from a bookstore is a formal legal promissory note.

I keep three separate checking accounts at separate banking institutions because of the litigation possibilities for subpoenaing records, freezing accounts, or seizing funds. These are a divorce account used for child support and divorce related items, it is the only account I allow my ex or lawyers to know about. The second is my full service personal account that I use to carry on my daily life, pay bills, etc. The third is my private emergency account, this account is kept private from everyone, extra funds not needed for bills are in this account.

It is important that separate banking institutions be used because litigation will apply to all accounts at an institution. If two of your banking institutions merge, you must move an account to prevent this exposure. When opening or using an account you are likely to notify the IRS (for interest), the credit reporting firms (for a credit card or overdraft protection) and Bank Systems (used by banks to know of people who bounce checks). The private account should be setup up as non-interest bearing with no credit or overdraft to minimize the reporting. (See full legal notice for restrictions applying to this footnote).

Status: Last updated 01/04/08 5:45 am