Season's Greetings

It's been a while, I've been thinking about posting here for some time. Got tied up in a variety of issues. I hope to get back to posting here...

I can't believe how time flies, whether or not you are having fun. I haven't had time to write on this topic, other issues are crowding them out for now. For several years I wrote prolifically so I'll draw upon that in a writing melody of sorts.

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First I wish everyone the best, I said it the best here...

Freedom of Religion -- "OF" not "FROM"

Around this time of year I'm reminded of how far we've sank, from a land where government serves the people to when the reverse is true, from the founding Father's seeking freedom to practice their religious belief's to now when courts impose and restrict religion with all the veracity of a communist government, all by changing one simple word.

When I grew up marriage was a bond with God, "until death due us part", now the courts run rough shod over "what no man shall put asunder". And now Divorce has replaced Marriage in lasting forever with the courts imposing jurisdiction "post decree".

" So if I don't know you, I wish you Happy Holidays for whatever your beliefs dictate this time of year. If you are a fellow Catholic or Christian then I specifically wish you a very Merry Christmas as we look forward to the joy of Jesus Christ's birth and his second coming. if you are a Jewish friend I wish you (a belated) Happy Hanukkah, we differ in our view of Jesus, but we share a common Old Testament and belief in the Almighty God.

And no matter what you believe I wish you all a prosperous and Happy New Year and the hope that citizens will switch off reality TV, so they can participate and take control of our government as was intended. Don't drink the Kool Aide, question the propaganda (organized lies), its not pretty, but it is reality. Good night and may God bless you even if you don't believe. "

Click here for the whole message.

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Seeing your loved ones during this holiday is something many of us can take for granted. But after divorce, this isn't always possible.

I last wrote about this in a post titled "Place your bets on what my son's visitation for Christmas will be"

" First off, since my ex wanted no visitation for me and I wanted shared 50/50 parenting, the plan concessions are unique and complex. There are four ambiguous schedules that need to be merged. Why? Lawyers wrote it, ..."

I go on to explain how lawyers play hardball with children as pawns to be used as leverage. Games are played, faxed demands, threats, just days before Christmas.

As I write this, less than one week from Christmas, I only have a general understanding of when I will see my son for Christmas, as to when I'll see him during his Christmas vacation that started yesterday -- your bet is as good as mine.

Click here for the whole message.

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For a little more detail on how Christmas went, with Lawyers involved each step of the way see these two posts I wrote in 2007.

" This can be a difficult time of year when you are suffering. I know, I have been preoccupied with my difficulties and its hard to enthusiastically wish someone a Merry Christmas when you are under such stress. I hope you all can be diverted from this stress for at least a short time and try to have a wonderful Christmas. ..."

" When I said good bye to my son in the backseat of her car, she was waiting outside to talk to me at the other side of the car. When I closed his door, she said in a sad tone, "Merry Christmas John". It wasn't her usual snippy sarcastic tone. I was caught off guard and simply replied "Merry Christmas" in a flat emotionless tone. Odd, why did she bother? A slight attack of a conscience buried underneath all that vengeance? ..."

Click here for the whole message.

" At the very last minute as we sat in my lawyers office, a Fax was delivered. It was yet one more demand. Sign the agreement today or you will not see your son on Christmas or Christmas Eve. ...

The longer you wait the more painful she will make it, the more your son will loose access to you. Is this BIC? "No!" says the lawyer. Why is it allowed? "It is our [expletive] system, we've discussed this before", says the lawyer impatiently and indignity. This is extortion, isn't it? "Yes" says the lawyer. ..."

Click here for the whole message.

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So its the end of another year, and decade, let's all hope the next ones are so much better than the last...

Status: Written 12/20/09, dated 12/30/09 to float on top of any posts I write this year.

Search for the good...

Your mind can do many things, worry, ruminate or meditate. The later being more productive. In the midst of divorce your world seems like its collapsing. It's easy to see only the bleak, to fall so far that the daylight seems faint.

Reflect on good times, pray, listen for God's answer, plan, count your blessings. During a divorce, this isn't easy at all, but it is necessary.

A few years ago (during lent) in the height of nasty litigation that literally kept me up all night until I collapsed in fatigue, I participated in a retreat based on the teachings of St. Ignatius founder of the Jesuit order. I remember commenting to my group that I saw so much evil in the court system (ours is under state and federal investigation for corruption) that I could not see God's good anymore. Intellectually I knew it existed, emotionally I was blind to it.

St. Ignatius advocated seeing God's good in the world, in a sunset, in nature's beauty, in your fellow people. He also developed a set of spiritual exercises and discussed levels of prayer. We've all "talked at God", he advocated reaching a level where you quiet your mind and listen for his answer.

During this time it is easy to see evil, its all around us. It takes effort to search out the good in the world and to be comforted by it. It's easy for our lonely mind to ruminate on our misfortune, its hard to meditate and hear God's direction. It's easy to worry about the future, its hard to find the confidence to take control and direct it.

So when you are alone and tempted to worry, ruminate, and be depressed over your plight, work hard, struggle, to do something better with your solitude. If you can't, I understand, many times I have difficulty too, just keep trying. Even better, find some support to help you.

Best wishes on your journey...

PS: This is the season of lent and I just completed a 3 day Lenten Mission. It was good, but I long for more.

Pinch me....

...LOL...Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while...

I have a stack of court notices I've saved up to open when I feel like being aggravated. So I open them up Motion to Compel the State Public Employee Retirement System (PERS), the usual heavy handed tactics. Opps a surprise, notice from assigned judge:

Plaintiff motion dismissed w/o prejudice, full costs assigned to Plaintiff

Yee Ha, who woke up the judge? Six months after the final decree and the Plaintiff is still issuing needless 10 page motions and the judge finally realizes she's milking a case long after the final decree. Thank God for the little miracles.

I just want to know what took the asshole so long. Maybe its because someone at State PERS asked what the hell the littlest court was doing trying to compel it. They say "better late, then never", personally in this case, I think that's splitting hairs.

Birthday Update

Well, I hope the turnaround trend continues.... Some good fortune and a bunch of last minute coordination has turned things around.

Visitation

The court order does not grant me flexibility to schedule a birthday celebration that includes my other family members, its does grant me Thanksgiving Day every other year, but my ex has ignored the visitation schedule when it suits her without consequences. One of the reasons I was going to travel is because I would not be allowed to celebrate my birthday or Thanksgiving with my son, so traveling would have helped distract me from this NCP reality.

Well I got some unexpected gifts at the last minute. A major tactic to prevent my representation in court was defeated because my investment adviser claimed the court had no direct jurisdiction to circumvent their fiduciary responsibility to me. It pays to develop strong partnerships that will stand beside you in contempt for the contemptible family court. This may have been the trigger for the following two events, my ex broke up her long weekend plans to accommodate my son celebrating my birthday with my family. She also is giving me visitation on Thanksgiving day for the first time in a long time.

Each year I review the 4 conflicting parenting schedules, in the 35 page parenting order, apply the rules in a priority sequence and mark all the special rules on a calendar. In a few cases the order is so ambiguous that I mark more than one schedule in a day. Why is it this complex? Because the lawyers and Guardian drafted them that way. Why did I sign it? Because my ex's hired bitch faxed a threat to take away Christmas visitation last Christmas if I didn't sign it, just like the year before. I paid a few thousand in legal fees the first year to get the Christmas visitation that year, so last year I submitted to the hired bitch's extortion on advice of counsel and accepted the unacceptable overly complicated, overpriced, unusable parenting schedule.

So after checking my court calendar, I saw that in fact, I should have my son from 10am to 8pm on Thanksgiving, so this wasn't any special favor but compliance with the court order. So what did she do, follow the order to a T? Hell no, she is cutting my time short by 2 hours because the weather forecast calls for 2 inches of snow and that will increase her travel time. My suspicion is she wants to get him earlier to take him to her parents. And as usual, the NCP gets the short end of the stick.

My Son

At my son's class last week, the teacher wished me a good holiday and I said that it was my birthday too. So after their usual thank you of a class cheer, the whole class sang Happy Birthday to me. It was very cute. Oh and finally that PC that I diagnosed, was back in service.

Family Celebration

My brother has been involved in a very large project working many hours and it was unclear when we could get together. Well he came through and brought his family to my parents. My son and his cousin had a very good time together as usual. It was very nice to have the whole family together. We all had a very great time.

My ex

My ex asked what my dinner plans were for my birthday. I said well I have a couple of ideas, why do you ask. She cooked for my birthday "so I didn't have to go to McDonalds on my birthday". I responded, well I was thinking more upscale then McDonalds. Rather an odd comment, I think there was some subtle sarcasm implied. I am not a frequent visitor to McDonalds or any other fast food restaurant. I actually shop and prepare food. I'm no chef, I take advantage of shortcuts. I could have prepared something easy or gone to a medium scale restaurant with my son. There are three new restaurants in the area I was considering, None of them using infrared heating lamps.

So I accepted. It doesn't begin to fix the last three years, but I have no need to give her cause to call be ungrateful or who knows what.

So while my ex was making a birthday dinner for my son and I, my son decided that fresh baked cookies would be the natural addition to the meal and he even offered to help. So she made cookies with some help from my son too.

And we ate it all and suffered no ill effects. Wonders will never cease. LOL

Birthday Bummer

Well, how could my birthday pass without its usual bump. As a teenager, I had an accident that broke a front tooth, it wasn't capped, it was pinned and rebuilt, it wasn't expected to last over a decade, but it lasted several. Until my birthday when it finally gave way and broke, leaving a hole for the holidays. So the next day I called the dentist, expecting that I'd be sporting an odd smile for a while and guess what? More luck, when I called, they said they just got a cancellation and could get me in that day. So now I have my old smile back, just in time for a thankful Thanksgiving Day.

Thanksgiving

My son probably can not remember the last time he celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. Well this year he will finally have the chance.

Status: Actively Being Updated - Last Update 11/21/07 1am

You just have to amuse yourself

otherwise who else will...

Another blogger mentioned the reaction you get from unexpected simple human interactions, things that can bring a glow to you and others. Things like a stranger saying hello with a smile. I try to practice that in a vain attempt to build up positive karma to override all the negative shit in my life. Sometimes I just crack myself up while cracking others up too.

Football in the drugstore

While getting a few things in the drugstore, I saw these small footballs with our home team on them. And I thought of my son who's too young to get his hands around an official size football, especially as you would need to do to throw a spiral pass. Now I'm not a rabid sports fan so I wasn't buying it out of any personal fan loyalty, although I try to see our home teams once in a while.

So I get to the cash register and the lady gives the football a double take, I said "It's for my son", she said "Suuure it is", so I showed her the photo of my son in my wallet and said "Does that look like me?" She still seemed disbelieving, so I explained further, "Yeah I need a smaller ball to teach him to throw a spiral". She said you just do this, and she motioned. I said no that's not how you do it. The other younger clerk said, like this and motioned the same overhand toss. I said, "No you have to get some spin on the ball like this". So the younger clerk is assuring me she can throw a spiral and I said no you can't, not like that, here you throw me one.

So there we are in the drugstore about 15 feet apart passing a small home team football back and forth. See if you don't get spin on it, it wobbles or worse will go end over end. When I was done several employees and customers were looking, smiling, in disbelief about the spiral football passing demonstration. I left the store with a broad smile too. Hey maybe they thought who is that crazy guy? But what's so crazy about having fun?

Picking Buckeyes

There is a buckeye tree next to my son's bus stop, so I've been watching the tree for a few weeks, anxiously waiting for the buckeyes to get ripe and fall. I've picked some and cut them apart for my son so he can see how they form. First there is the outer green prickly shell that keeps any animal from eating the seed before its developed. Then the shell starts getting brown, less needles and begins to crack open. At this point they may be fully developed and may fall to the ground. Eventually the outer shell opens enough for the buckeyes to fall out.

So for the last week I've been collecting buckeyes before and after my son gets off the bus. And this week they are fully developed and we've been picking dozens of them. I don't know what about picking buckeyes is so fun. Maybe its opening the shell and finding the prize inside, different shapes & sizes of buckeye, some with flat sides, some more round. I remember doing it as a kid. So now my son and I are sifting through all these buckeyes. It's still kind of fun.

Why not keep your eye out for a buckeye tree and see what kind of prize you may find?

So...

What do you do to amuse yourself? Leave your suggestions in the comments...

Stress Continum

Placeholder check back

When a person is stressed what happens? I like to think of things on a spectrum, from one extreme to another, with a balancing point in the middle. This is admittedly an analytical approach, some may say overly analytical, but I'll write off that criticism as an occupational hazard from spending my lifetime in an analytical career.

Stress is impossible to avoid, and can serve a positive purpose if successfully managed. To be managed you need to be self aware, where are you on the spectrum, which way are you headed and what corrective action should you take to reach balance.

Now those who feel this is overly analytical or are believers in ignorance is bliss may want to stop reading now, for once ignorance is pushed aside, bliss may be gone forever. As for me, my analytical instincts are nearly uncontrollable, like a moth to a flame, I am continually on a quest for the reasons, even though I sometimes know I won't like them, I somehow can't leave well enough alone. Oh well, we all have to have our flaws.

So what does the stress continuum look like? Well it can vary from paralyzed with fear, to effectively dealing with it, to just paralyzed. Lets explore the spectrum.

Scared Shitless

yyy

Panic

yyy

Effective

yyy

Comfortably Numb

yyy

Zombie

yyy

Importance of Self Awareness

yyy

Dangers of Ignorance

yyy

Take time to...

...listen to the lake.

Well there were no roses to smell, and growing up on the North Coast with a Great Lake in our backyard (literally as a child) its a reasonable substitute....

After leaving court, instead of taking my usual 80 mph 20 minute sterile freeway commute home, I took the scenic route and added 3 hours to my ride home via a slow drive along the lake front, stopping to get out and walk right up to the water front.

I stopped to look out over the lake, to see the breakwalls, the harbor lights, small light houses, sail boats. Lean against the iron pilings and watch the water slapping against them. Listening to the water, the seagulls, the occasional jet ski and Lear jet taking off from our downtown executive airport. I walked through several grassy parks near the lakefront hearing Canadian Geese honking and flying in for a landing or waddling through the grass, keeping it trimmed. I watched little groups of ducks swimming in the rivers leading to the lake or in harbors.

At one location I looked out over the breakwall and walked over the top of the 3ft x 5ft rocks. As I walked I had to adjust my gate so as not to fall into the 3 ft crevices. I walked all the way out to the warning lights at the end of the breakwall where the sounds of shore faded away to be over taken by seagulls wondering why I had invaded their calm space.

I was just there to share it with them, to recharge, to relax, to take time out of the daily urgency to do something important.

Inspired by Stephen Covey's book The 7 Habits of Successful People discussing the difference between Urgency and Importance.

The Unexpected

As regular readers know I have very limited visitation, only 4 hours in a day max, even in the summer, no travel, no vacations, no overnights, 10 mile max driving. Technically I would not be allowed to take him to the closest emergency room should something happen.

Sometimes I come up with creative ideas that can cram interesting things to do in that limited time. Sometimes he just wants to “putz around” doing odd things around the house.

Today was a putz around day, playing in the yard, helping with yard work, playing on a water slide with super soaker squirt guns, doing things in his two “forts”, he asked me about my wireless headphones, so I picked a radio station, and he tried them on. He thought it was so cool that he walk around the house, go outside and still hear the music. He commented, there's a little static here as we walked by the chimney in the family room. I told him, sure, the whole wall by the fireplace is large cemented rocks on the inside and brick on the outside, walk by the back porch and it will come back. It did, he thought it was cool to swing and listen to music while he touched the leaves on a nearby tree.

I'm watchin the time, I'm gonna have to get him to quit playing and eat. I'm always watchin the time, its part of being an NCP. I hear my ex's distinctive ring, she's calling to say she's going to be an hour and a half late because her mother was delayed coming out of surgery. And she's still in her home town over 60 miles away. Now normally she stays over at her parents house, but she'll be coming back to town to get him.

She's reviewing his bedtime routine and expects him to be ready to go straight to bed. Now that's really no problem, it has been over 2 years since I put him to bed, the night he was kidnapped, but I still remember the routine, hell, I have a bed he never sleeps in and pajamas and clothes he rarely wears.

Turns out she knew this was a possibility, she left his night time reading book in his backpack from camp. But she chose to tell me 20 minutes before it was time to pick him up. And that was OK too, as an NCP still stugling to get my orders enforced, I haven't restarted much of a social life, so I can be flexible. It's power for the course, why should she treat me with any respect, why should she ask me a day a head of time, why start treating me like a human now?

My son likes my large whirlpool tub, he tries to swim in it. He's getting a little big for that. I'm kind of lenient about him splashing in the tub, I know his mother bitches up a storm about it. So he fills it all the way, I'm getting dinner ready, I come back to check on him and he's been reading a book on the Titanic. So he starts making a wave and a big gush of water splashed over and landed on the power cord. Luckily I remodeled this bathroom and have found and rewired all electric violations in the house. The bathroom is on a separate circuit breaker with supplemental fast tripping ground fault interrupts, wiring contains drip loops and is isolated from all plumbing so he blew one circuit. We took a little time to talk about that.

So he gets in a pair of pajamas, gets comfortable on the couch, and does his bedtime reading. Before his mother arrived he said, “Dad, you know what, I think this was my best day ever”, “Really", I said, trying not to sound too shocked, "why is that”. “Well I just had a lot of fun”. “I'm glad you did”

Wow, that comment was unexpected. You know you try the best you can, but you always want to do more and you aren't sure if you are doing enough. Well I guess that is the only metric that counts. My son had fun with his Dad. To the rest of the world I'm just another fuckin NCP, but to him, I'm a fun Dad. Wow!

But on the other hand ignorance is bliss and love is blind. I do consider myself lucky that despite the court's poor treatment, despite the restrictions, I still have the love of my son. It is a precious gift that I fought hard for. Given by God, restricted by lawyers. But as an NCP, I also know that these are the first steps toward PAS, so I must cherish that gift while I remain lucky enough to have it until the courts or my ex take away what God has given me.

My son is very smart, but luckily not smart enough to understand it all, to still be able to have some bliss. I talked to a young woman at a bank while setting up an account for my son. She shared that her parents were getting divorced, but unlike my son, she understood more about it and it was driving her nuts.

This is the second time my ignorant ex decided to race her ass back to town to minimize time with my son. The idea of win-win, BIC is as foreign to her as anything. She could have spent the extra time with her parents and my son could have spent the night, but she didn't want to allow that.

So it appears my son will always be ignorant of the Father I could be as long as these mother fuckers refuse to loosen the ropes around my neck, arms, and legs. I try not to hate, knowing that it is a self defeatist emotion. But occasionally the emotion crepes in for those who truly work hard enough to deserve it.

Note: NCP means non-custodial parent, the 2nd class looser parent often with less rights then teachers, doctors, in-laws, etc.

Status: First Draft

A Lonely Trip to the Zoo

When my son brought home the information on the Zoo field trip, it contained a volunteer form. He was excited when I filled it out, you'll come with us. Sure I said.

I volunteer when I can. On one Zoo field trip I helped stop a child from running away during Lunch. The teachers were grateful that I noticed him straying away from the group and quickly got up and caught him before he got lost in a large public place.

As the time approached for the field trip, my son told me, that they picked different volunteers. I said, maybe I could come and tag along, "But Daddy you aren't invited". I had plenty to do, I could have stayed home and made a dent in my Post Decree Implementation. Who am I kidding, I would have been depressed that I wasn't with my son and his classmates.

Well just take him to the Zoo another day, you might say. But see part of my extorted Parenting Plan restricts me to driving my son only 10 miles. The Zoo is 15 miles away. Why the restrictions? Well 3 years ago an untreated condition caused a severe accident. In that three years the treatment has been successful with 50,000 incident free miles. So why still have the restriction? Vengeance, Harassment, Control. Not my answers, everyone who's familiar with the case. Oh yeah and her lawyer has a "License to Fuck Me".

So I pushed myself. Just go, maybe you'll luck out. I went, it was the day after the holiday and the lot was full of school buses. I walked rapidly through the various areas, slowing down occasionally, hoping to find him. The class split into smaller groups, I came across one of the groups, and one of my son's classmates came up to me excitedly telling me about one of the exhibits.

So I spent a half day searching without luck. I went home and to meet my son at the bus stop. Feeling like that overheated Polar Bear at the Zoo. We did talk about the trip, what we each saw, and I showed him the photos I took that day. He said the Polar Bear was "awesome". I like it too.

I've had more fun at the Zoo, photographing animals, and with my son. But I guess you have to settle. That's just part of the damage that comes with every divorce.

This was the last volunteer opportunity of the school year. So his teacher batted a perfect 100 and rejected every single volunteer offer I made. More damage.

Alternate title: Trying to make lemonade

A laugh a day keeps depression at bay

After describing the hired bitch and getting a good laugh. My mother mentioned a stupid thing that one of my Uncle's had done and how he was mad at them. She laughed and said serves him right for that insensitive comment he had made about your divorce. We talked a while about how to keep him mad so he wouldn't bother with us. We talked about setting up a situation where we could parrot his own insensitive advice back at him.

We were both laughing uncontrollably. We almost had trouble catching a breath. She commented well that was great.

So remember:

A laugh a day keeps depression at bay (jqism)
If you aren't laughing you aren't living (Carlos Mencia)

What silver lining?

Here are words that could only be written by someone who has been through it. And even in reading them and recognizing so much of it from my own personal experience, it still cries out how even the best words can only cast a fuzzy shadow of the true experience.

Just another disenfranchised father: What silver lining?

As my old friend said to me, "I talked to your parents and hear that you've been to hell and back", I responded, "I'm not back yet".

In his fourth paragraph "Personally, I think...", the author attacks two common notions, "standard visitation" and "glass half empty". The first time I heard of "standard visitation" was during my wife's surprise alternative to the mediator's suggestion for shared parenting. I couldn't believe it, "every other weekend, I see my son daily, that's my standard, who the hell came up with this standard?"

I think we should try an experiment, because words have not worked. For all current inflexible custody situations, we should switch custodial roles for a month and give the custodial parent the "standard visitation" or the substandard version their ex currently "enjoys" and give the non-custodial parent what their ex enjoyed. Do you think that might meet with some loud complaints? Why?

Also, just strike the placating line "half empty, half full" from your vocabulary. I excelled in math at an early age and there is nothing "half" in this screwed up equation. Not even close. The author is so much closer with his 15% full and empty glass discussion. It's not pessimism it's math.

Now here's the tough part, starting in paragraph six "There's a more subtle obstacle..." and going though paragraph 8 ending with "...finding a silver lining.", the author describes the most unbelievable insidious evil part of this whole process. The more you fight, the harder it gets. The system has a perverse need to dominate you and bring you under their control. Like a living organism with a primitive self preservation mechanism it fights back against it's unwilling victims. No where else have I seen the status quo so strongly fought for. Oh they'll spew rhetoric and circular arguments, but they're thinner than paper.

You may recognize this in what the court has criticized me as being a "poor litigant". I first heard this from the Guardian who is charged with the task of finding the "good parent", instead she talked about me being a "poor litigant". The judge even suggested that my "substandard" visitation was good (considering my "poor litigant" status). It was a big compromise from what the Plaintiff wanted. Who cares what she wanted, she's completely unreasonable even by the biased visitation standards?

I was the one given a private reprimand by the court for not wanting to cave into every unreasonable demand, for pointing out the multiple $5K errors in math, for complaining that the Plaintiff had not followed court rules and gotten away with it. All the while opposition counsel was buzzing around with new threats and demands. So when I caved, when I "gave the judge what he wanted" was that the end I had been promised. Hell No! The opposition continued to flaunt her will, despite the court's directive to settle and I once again am being asked to cave in some more.

In paragraphs 9-14 "So what am I talking about?..." ending in "...weakness in oneself.", the author discusses trite lesssons, fighting oppression, and the difference it makes when it is access to your children that is the subject of the fight. The classic "build a new life" just doesn't seem to go along with "without your children because you lost the court possession".

Continuing the fight is at odds with being a parent. In my early days, the fight was tolerable, and I was hopeful. In the middle, hope wained, and the battle took its toll on me and on my attention to my son. When I realized that, I reorganized the fight and tried as best I could to insulate my time with him from the ill effects of the fight. No calls, mail, legal work before visitation.

How can anyone give up the fight for their children and how can this not destroy them? The author points out there may times when the fight is idled, to allow one to regain their strength.

The author's discussion of "that which does not kill you makes you strong" in the last three paragraphs is interesting. The court and screwed up system would just be arrogant enough to claim credit for making you stronger, credit they surely don't deserve.


Sometimes I think, how could this be happening? It's unbelievable that it could be happening that often, on such a widespread scale, and still be allowed to occur. When I read a post like the link above, I realize that my worst nightmare is indeed true, it's not just me, it's not an accident, it is spread like a terrible cancer throughout our legal system even throughout the world. I wonder how many more disenfranchised parents will it take to overthrow the corrupt system? We must recruit allies from all corners. We can't wait for 51% of the families to reach this status.

What can you do?

• Be aware of the problem.
  
• Be an informed voter.
  
• Inform others.
  
• Correct ignorance when you hear it.

Every little bit helps, not just the disenfranchised parents, but the next generation of children deprived of their love.

Links: I have three internal links in this post, which should be easier to see because I modified my template, if you have trouble seeing them in your browser, please comment or email details. In my template, unvisited links appear as underlined maroon and visited links appear as blue that are change to underlined maroon when you hover over them.

Status: Second Draft Updated 05/19/07 at 8:30 am EST

Breathe

The calm before the storm. Monday, I had to give up some visitation, to meet with a counselor, a victim of a difficult international kidnapping and custody battle in foreign courts. She knows the ropes first hand, most every trick in the book. She advises me, challenges me. Be effective, that is the goal. I often fall short, but I am reminded.

Tuesday, a good day with my son, doing some yard work, flying his large glider. A storm is coming, we go inside, build a fort in the spare bedroom and attic. We take a look at his homework. Bad penmanship, like father, like son. Let's print this on the computer. Type in the words, some are underlined in red, I explain, those are misspelled, you can right click and get the correct spelling, "I know Daddy, we do that at school". He notices my new laptop, "Oh Daddy, I told you, you could fix it". Well, it's not looking good, I'll keep trying, this one is new. Can I do "I Spy"? Not yet, Daddy has to get some serious work done. And I'll fix that problem on the desktop and install all your software there, when I finish something important. Can I play (old fashioned pinball)? No that's not there, Spider Solitaire is. OK.

The big storm moves through, heavy rains. I'm beat. The weather is calm now, but my emotions are far from calm before the litigation storm. Big Day # 8 is only a week away. Lot's to do. Need to be in top form. Need to be effective.

Troubling thoughts, cool night air coming through screen door. I went outside, it's after midnight. Things are quieter now. I walk down the street, the full moon lit night is casting long shadows. I reach up to touch the new apple blossoms. The pines stretch out for the sun, the small wisp of needles, the pine cones, backlit by the moon.

Breathe. Smile, following advice of my Blogger Friend Leigh, hope she's doing the same too. Close my eyes. Clear my head. Breathe. Walk. Listen. Spring Peepers chirping. A few other faint animal sounds. Walk. Bullfrog croaking. Breathe. Water dripping in the storm sewer. Walk. Buzzing of a transformer behind some bushes.

Breathe. Get back home. Sit down on a damp Adirondack chair, lean back. Faint sound of traffic in the distance, train whistles. Cool air, damp chair. Breathe. Think. Pray, Dear Lord, help me get through this, in the name of your Son for the benefit of my son. Breathe. I'm ready, for the home stretch.

One more day with my Son, then 5 days straight, full out, sprint to the target. to freedom. Freedom from this judge, from her lawyer, from the harassment, from the distraction. It won't be the end, there's still custody mediation for another year. But I'm trying to be hopeful. Cautiously. Still preparing for the worst, while hoping for the best. The paradoxical life I live. Breathe. Calm. I'm ready now, with God's help.

Thank God For Small Miracles

or Even a Lawyer Will Hear You If You Repeat It Often Enough...

I was sure the pussy would not bend, but it was so important. After all this money and time, my visitation only gave me visitation assuming my Thur-Sun work schedule. Well that will change, so then what, well there are lot's of hurdles, there is a makeup provision but its under her control and she's been violating it lately.

So I had a very simple request, give me an alternate visitation schedule for a M-F schedule now, in writing, so there will be no snags, no delays, with a work schedule change. His response was that the parenting plan was signed, sealed, and ordered. No more changes. Nothing can be done. Well it's not so much a change as just getting around to something I've asked from the beginning.

Well nothing if that's your choice, my choice, an addendum. Still like a brick wall. So I give him an ultimatum, it's a deal breaker, no addendum, no divorce. So in a game of chicken, we stand, who will blink first. After all this crap, I need this gauranteed now. I can't change work schedules and then loose access to my son. I mean it, no addendum, no deal. It's simple.

He blinked. Out of the blue, I get an email, here's the addendum, do you approve it's sumission to the opposition? It's one page, it's simple, "upon father's schedule changing to M-F, visitation will immediately change to...". My response, "Fine".

I stopped there. I could have said, "it took you long enough", or "what did you use to unclog the shit from your ears so you could hear me". But I'm so tired of all the bullshit, so I simply said "Fine".

Now I seriously doubt the opposition will accept it, that would qualify as a "big" miracle. So it will go to the judge. What is there to object too? The judge verbally agreed to this so long ago. So why not write it down. Especially since every verbal agreement has been reneged on.

It could still get left out. But I tried. And when my schedule changes, and the hurdles arrive, I will ask, why didn't the addendum pass and what is in the best interest of the child?

It's a sucker bet, I set them up, and that's why there has been so much resistance. Either the problem is solved (my hope), or they indict their own bad behavior (their last choice). Any time you can narrow down the choice to your first choice vs. their last choice, you've got them. (jqism).

I'm not celebrating yet. Not until it is signed as an order. But it was the right thing to do. It is an act of prevention so my son doesn't get screwed post decree. And everyone knows an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Prayer

I'm usually a private person when it comes to religion. But in this Christian season of Lent, I will make a few comments. I don't mean to preach at you or conflict in any way with your own belief's, but just offer it as food for thought.

My wife, child, and myself were raised Roman Catholic. Prior to separation, my wife removed our son and herself from the Catholic Faith and joined the Lutheran Faith. I assume her new faith is more tolerant of divorce, although I doubt any religion would condone her family destructive behavior.

During this Lenten season, I am participating in a St. Ignatian Retreat. St. Ignatius of Loyola was the founder of the Jesuit Order and developed a group of spiritual exercises that help the participant establish a closer relationship with God and to see his works on Earth.

This was very attractive to me during this terrible time of stress. It is so easy to overlook good, when you are surrounded by, even drowning in, pure evil. This can easily lead to a downward spiral of hopelessness to what St. Ignatius calls Hard Spiritual Desolation (part of this week's spiritual exercise).

I once told a lawyer that I had nothing but contempt and disdain for their godless, unethical, deceptive (family law) profession. The comment went over their head. But I was quite serious.

Mark E. Thibodeaux, S.J. in his book "Armchair Mystic" identifies four stages of prayer. I'm guessing that many of us are only aware of two stages. He introduces his book with a wonderful and relevant quote:

"Each Christian needs
half an hour of prayer each day,
except when we are busy...
then we need an hour."

- Saint Francis de Sales

The author makes a point that moving from one stage to the next does not make the prior stages obsolete. All stages have their place and relevance.

• Stage I - Talking at God - Ready made Prayers
  
As children this is where we start, by reciting prayers.

• Stage II - Talking to God - Extemporaneous Prayer
  
This goes way beyond using your own words or simply asking God for things, it involves confiding in God as you would a trusted adviser or parent. You get comfortable expressing yourself to God, spontaneously, when needed, not just at church, morning or evening.

• Stage III - Listening to God - Meditative Prayer
  
This stage is a very big jump over the previous stage. First you must quiet your mind from the distractions of the world. Your Faith must be strong. Obviously you won't hear a literal voice, or have any proof of divine communication. But meditative prayer is the path to being able to have divinely inspired suggestions, to be free of the chaotic distractions of the world.

• Stage IV - Being with God - Contemplative Prayer
  
This is a rare occurrence in life, it is a mystical union with God, not simply meditating, but feeling the presence of God.

The first comment to this post will contain more info on St Ignatian Retreats. Feel free to comment or make suggestions on how you maintain your own spiritual well being.

More People Changing the World

Here are some more quotes from the Nickelback video.

What if Everyone cared?


1984 Bob Geldof
Music Journalist turned Punk Rock Frontman
was inspired by a news report about
Africa's Famine Epidemic
and began his fight against World Hunger.
Geldof organized the world's first global charity concert
LIVE AID
performances by 100 artists around the world
were viewed by 1.5 billion people
Live Aid raised 150 million British Pounds
in one day.


1976 Betty Williams
a receptionist and mother of two
witnessed three children killed during
the political turmoil in Northern Ireland
within two days of the tragic event,
Williams obtained 6,000 signatures
petitioning for peace.
She then led 10,000 people on a peace march
to the children's graves.
The peaceful march was disrupted by protesters.
One week later Williams organized another march,
this time the march was 35,000 strong.
Betty Williams was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1976.


1961, Two students in Portugal
raised their glasses in a toast to freedom.
They were imprisoned for seven years.
British Lawyer Peter Benenson was shocked by the events.
To rally support for the students he wrote a letter to his local paper
The response was so overwhelming that a
committee was formed to organize a campaign.
It quickly grew into a world-wide movement
known today as Amnesty International.


1920s, a boy from a small South African village
dreamt of a day when equality would prevail over his country.
After years of activism he was charged with Political Treason
and sentenced to life in prison
His dream of equality never died.
In 1990, after 27 years in prison
Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela
was finally released
Mandela then led South Africa to its first ever
Democratic Presidential Election.
Nearly 19 million people voted.
Nelson Mandela won the election
ending the racist apartheid regime
that divided South Africa for 46 years.

---

So when you think
nothing can be done,
pause,
think harder,
do something.

It might just matter. And even if it appears that it didn't, your conscience will rest easy that you acted responsibly. You may not be able to be part of the solution, but by taking action you can ensure you are not part of the problem. The root cause of many problems is - apathy.


Status: First Draft, need to carefully proofread...

Can you change the world?

There is this great quote in Nickelback's video for "If Everyone Cared". You may have seen my opinion that I believe Family Court performs so poorly because they simply don't care.

Here is the ending quote from the video:

"Never doubt that a small group
of committed people can
change the world
indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

- Margaret Mead

Here are lyrics. Click the gray triangle to hear the song.


Artist: Nickelback
Song: "If Everyone Cared"

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing

Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)

[Chorus x2]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

[Chorus]

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

To Trudge

What brought that movie to mind? Well my snow blower has bit the dust and I was buried in the snow. So I went up and down my street to the several snow plowing services. They’re busy with season contracts. Darn, need to go to store.

I trudged, one and half miles in snow that was over 2 feet in places. Snow over my knees. Pretty good exercise pushing and pulling my legs from the heavy wet snow. When I got to the main street, someone in a parking lot asked how far did you come? Are you snowed in? Yep.

Big surprise, he went home, got another neighbor, came back picked me up and had a huge snow blower in his truck. Two hours later, we finally got my driveway clear and my car out of the drift.

Small world, he lives about a half mile away, his daughter is in my son’s class, I know her from my teacher’s aid work. We’re in the same parish.

Just as Jeffrey was stripped of his dignity and was sent to trudge, so had I and in our trials we met a man of real honor who helped a stranger in need.

With all the court evil I see, it is so uplifting to think people of good character still exist (in the flesh and of course my loyal band of readers).

Geoffrey, William, Count Adhemar

A perk of being a dad is you get to watch a wider variety of movies. Recently I saw the movie “A Knight’s Tale”. The cable channel TBS shows it occasionally. Almost suitable, except for a brief bare butt of a man who was “robbed” and the violence of medieval tournament.

Two very interesting characters are Geoffrey Chaucer, the famous writer, and William Thatcher, a peasant squire in service to a knight.

On the road to a jousting tournament, Geoffrey wanders by (bare butt, striped of all his clothes). William asks “Why Sir, What are you doing?” He replies:

“Trudging.” “To trudge, the slow weary depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in his life except the impulse to simply soldier on”
---
“But you know on the brighter side, trudging does represent pride, pride, resolve, and faith in the good Lord Almighty – Please rescue me from my current tribulations."

As we follow the adventures of William, we learn that as a young child he watched the knights come to his town and exclaimed,

“Someday I’ll be a knight.”
A man in a stockade laughed and said: “A Thatcher’s (peasant’s) son, a knight, you might as well change the stars.”
“Can it be done Father, Can a man change the stars?”
“Yes, William, if he believes enough a man can do anything.”

When their knight died after a joust, William decides, he can stand in his place. “After all, how did the nobles become noble? They took it at the tip of a sword.”

Geoffrey comes along to provide forged Peyton’s of Nobility that will be needed for William to enter the jousts. We also see his gift of gab in stirring up the crowd adding to the jousting performance.

From there you follow the exploits of William as he proves his honor to a woman (Lady Jocelyn) who catches his eye and to the Prince of Wales, heir to the thrown, while the high champion knight (Adhemar Count of Anjou) resorts to cheating in an attempt to maintain his title at all costs.

When William encounters an excellent unknown Knight they tie, both breaking a Lance on each other. The unknown knight approaches, in truce, he reveals only to William that he is the Prince jousting under an assumed name.

He tells William, “I am through, (he is injured) but I have never not finished. I wish to keep my honor intact.”
William nods in understanding. The last Joust they approach and raise (tip) their Lances in mutual withdrawal.
Count Adhemar is confused, “Why didn’t he finish him”.
Lady Jocelyn remarks “He shows mercy”.
Count Adhemar retorts, “Then he shows his weakness, for that is all that mercy is.”

The movie has interesting metaphors,

• Geoffrey, stripped of all his clothes, trudging in desperation. Later, using his “performance skills” much as a lawyer performs for the court in an exaggerated, deceptive, acting performance. But in the end becoming a true friend of William.
• William, a source of unwavering faith to overcome his lot in life.
• Count Adhemar, the high champion, doing dishonor to his honorable title to keep it.
• The Prince who breaks tradition and recognizes and rewards true honor (at the end).

Recognize anyone you know?

It has some groovy tunes – Queen, BTO, David Bowie, AC/DC in a stark contrast to the period setting. But it works.

Cancel or Allow

Sometimes you see a funny ad that mimics life. I work with very large computer systems and I’m no fan of Microsoft, I think they are a lumbering giant that is slow to innovate, copy other's ideas and have low quality software. But the newest Mac attack ad on Microsoft Windows really makes me laugh.

All successful jokes have a grain of truth and sometimes a dark side.

It starts with a nerdy guy in a suit portraying a Windows PC and a cool guy with an untucked shirt as a Mac. In this ad there is a secret service guy standing behind him that represents the new security on the new Windows Vista release.

The conversation goes like this:

“Hello I’m a Mac” “Mac has issued a salutation, Cancel or Allow” “Allow”
“Hello I’m a PC” “You are returning Mac’s salutation, Cancel or Allow” “Allow”
---
“PC’s have a lot of security problems, so he asks me to authorize pretty much everything I do.”
"You are pointing out Vista’s flaws, Cancel or Allow” “Allow”
“I could turn him off, but then he wouldn’t give me any warnings at all and that would defeat the purpose, so... ”
"You are coming to a sad realization, Cancel or Allow" “Allow”

Think of the security guy as your negative emotions. When we are under stress, our mind goes on auto pilot just like the PC, Allow, Allow, Allow those negative emotions. A well trained mind in cognitive therapy would reply “Evaluate” “Cancel” “Replace with more realistic outlook” “Redirect to positive action plan”.

With enough stress even a well trained mind will “Allow”.

So watch the ad, get a good laugh, and next time you feel over stressed, think “Cancel” ….

Happy Valentine’s Day

Really, sincerely! Who cares if your lover doesn’t love you anymore or if they “love you but aren’t in love with you”. That line is such a load of BS. They are the ones loosing out.

Remember, you are lovable. God loves you, unconditionally, you should love yourself and take care of yourself. You have so many people in your life who love or care about you to some extent. People you may not even notice, walk by, exchange pleasantries. They’d miss you, your smile, your hello, as you’d miss theirs.

So lift up your head high. Celebrate love. Push any failed love from your mind and think of those that are alive and well. Be with people you love, do something you love, pray to the creator you love.

I wish you all a very Happy Valentine’s Day.