Do as I say, not as I do

Have you ever heard this from
your parents when they were frustrated?
Have you ever said this to
your children in frustration?
(I hope not).
When was the last time you heard it?

Do you expect to hear it from your $300 an employee?

Probably not. Well he didn't exactly say that, but he might as well have. Why the hell do these lawyers think they're such hot shit? Do they think their crap doesn't smell? I don't think I've met one yet that wasn't full of himself, full of, er, ... well yeah, that four letter word - shit.

Authors Note: [Words in brackets are my thoughts not my/his words].
Come on you don't think someone would say that out loud!

Parenting Plan Document

Since I work in the computer industry (the industry, not diddlly PCs, more on my large system bias on another Blog), I'm in the habit of asking for everything "machine readable". So my lawyer hesitates, well you can't just edit it, how will we know? [Duh], mark revisions or compare document.

No, [we're lawyers, we haven't joined the 20th century] we mark in the margins [must be why all legal documents are double spaced], so the updates are clearly visible. I said, fine, just send it [bitch you work for me, at such high rates why can't simple stuff be done, it is so aggravating] [PS: Actually I'm wrong and that's why it is so frustrating, see the lawyers really don't work for their clients, they work for the courts or themselves, but the client is just the financier, when you understand this truth, things make better sense]. My handwriting sucks and they don't make typewriters any more, good thing I wasn't good with them either, so I annotated the document with comments, endnotes, color coded highlighter and an explanation addendum.

In court, at the last minute, he gives me a paper document with some major revisions in a light highlighter, but not all revisions. How do I know what's included/excluded? Oh look it over. [Uh, but that wasn't good enough for you.] How about a machine readable copy now. He looks at me in disbelief, yeah flash drive [opps 21st century, over a century a head of you, my bad]. He just hussled off into the safety and seclusion of the court room while my sorry ass is out in the hallway.

• [Chicken S--t]
  
• [Oh my mind was racing, if he accepted a flash drive, should I encrypt his disk and trade it for his excessive fees]
  
• [Oh come on, you've thought about it, holding these pompous humanoids hostage]

I guess that I was supposed to whil away my time in the hallway comparing the documents line by line. What a great diversion from sitting in the hallway like the illiterate, overly-emotional, sub-human a--holes, they must think we are. Really, would you treat anyone that way if you didn't think of them that way? Doubt it. F--k it, even if I found one missing clause I wouldn't be able to get his attention anyway.

So I pulled out my laptop, with down loaded Domestic Relations Revised Code and annotated the sections applicable to my case and specifically referenced in my parenting plan document.

Later, I did get the parenting plan document, not marked up, but machine readable. So no big deal, compare documents and if that wasn't good enough I have a whole set of tools (editors, advanced search and compare, regular expressions, grep) so no 20th century for me, damn it.

Open mind

As for the most contensious part of the parenting plan, the supervision, my lawyer finally admitted it was onerous and he himself (single and childless, how the f--k would he know) would have difficulty accepting it. In fairness, most lawyers would hold out through pain of torture and death to actually admit that. I have to give the guy credit for being candid.

Another professional I consulted said, "Keep an open mind". Say what? I am the one with the open mind, I am the one constantly compromising for the last two years, constantly jumping through new hoops like a damn circus animal.

But what of the party chick half my age who might supervise me. Where did you find that out - facebook? No, myspace. Well that's her private life, I'm sure she's professional in her supervision. Yeah sure.

• I guess I'll meet her in the bar for drinks & discuss that.
  
• Oh you can't do that, it would be a conflict.
  
• Oh no, I'd do that before she was assigned to my case, then it would be her conflict to explain to her employer [oh God that is devious, forgive me].

• Professional's mouth drops, no words come out.
  
• Cat got your tongue, or is your reasoning just too flawed?

• I broke the silence.
• Maybe other's could have an "open mind" and actually dare to see that everything I do is in the best interest of my child.
  

And what's with this decorum crap anyway?

And when my battery quit, court days can be sooooooooo long, I got an extension cord, found an outlet in the hallway, locked my laptop to a large bench, and recharged it. Oh F--k decorum. I'm so tired of these overly sanctimonious phony pretensions. These dingbats would be wearing powdered wigs if they weren't so damned uncomfortable.

My wife, no doubt following instructions, it's so unlike her, dresses in a matronly frumpy outdated attempt at business attire and sits motionless staring straight ahead.

• Does this make her a good mother?
  
• Does this show respect for the court?
  
• Or is this some game for the gerbals they call clients?

I tried their game, sitting in the hallway like a compliant a--hole. It didn't achieve my desired results, I was getting eaten for lunch. In business, no results, off to plan B.

• So I petitioned the court to fire my lawyer.
  
• Motion denied. Temporary setback.
  
• So I informed the court 5 min before a hearing that my right to due process was being denied.
  
• This is called a "stunt" or a "push".
  
• Results achieved, enter the inner sanctum.
• Court order, you may not represent yourself, you must hire a lawyer.
• But I did get my time in front of the judge to make my points.
• They were uncomfortable (they don't mix with non-lawyers)
• I walked the walk [such a trite cliche, sorry]
• Now the judge knows me, stops in the hall to talk and shake hands. I think there is respect for me because I followed through.
  
• I don't think he notices my wife.
• The case is moving toward conclusion, not as fairly as I wanted, [but was it ever going to be fair, I think not], but it's the first time in over a year it's moved at all.
• In business, we'd call this establishing a long term relationship. Not a bad idea, considering all post decree motions will be heard by the same trial judge.

Also see my more recent Call Backs post at Call Backs.

I started to add that post here but it made this post so long and it is so important to me that I thought it should stand alone, even though it fits in this category.

So what's the moral?

• Don't do as they say or as they do!
• Be an individual, be your own person.
• Don't follow, dare to lead and carve your own path.
• Don't accept, Question.
• Or you can play someone else's game by someone else's rules. Rules that you probably will never learn.
• The difference is if you loose someone else's game you are a victim, if you follow your own rules, you are responsible for your destiny - good or bad.
  
• Nah, that was all just a rant, I could be wrong [apologies to Dennis Miller].
• I'm really not sure, I offer it to the reader to consider and decide for themselves.
  
• [What the hell do you think I was going to do? Tell you what to do, like some kind of hypocrite?]
  

Comments & Questions welcomed and encouraged.

Status: Second Draft - 11/16
Background music while composing this :
Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Beethoven's Last Night