At the very last minute as we sat in my lawyers office, a Fax was delivered. It was yet one more demand. Sign the agreement today or you will not see your son on Christmas or Christmas Eve.
My lawyers advice - do it or else it will be even worse.
The longer you wait the more painful she will make it, the more your son will loose access to you. Is this BIC? "No!" says the lawyer. Why is it allowed? "It is our fucked up system, we've discussed this before", says the lawyer impatiently and indignity. This is extorsion, isn't it? "Yes" says the lawyer.
In many ways, this agreement, as modified up to 9am today, takes away rights I have had. During school, I have lost 30 minutes per day, every school day. I have no weekends, except if a holiday falls on it. No overnights, ever. Three month supervision. HIPPA waivers on all records, all providers are in the order, taking away my HIPPA rights.
There is only one main advantage, a mediator, and the promise that if I jump through enough hoops, I may reach normal visitation someday.
For now, I'll tell you I signed it, I'll explain later. It is a very long and complicated story. The signature makes it an agreed judgment entry (AJE, no mention of duress is included) and then the judge will sign it as an order, it will then be enforceable by the court, including fines/jail.
I feel dirty, a failure, a sellout of my son's rights. I have caved, sunk to their level, prostituted myself. I hope to remedy this to some degree soon, not in the same pathetic and apathetic way my lawyer did, but in a substantive way. He is a pussy by choice.
So my signature means I will see him for 10 hours on Christmas Eve. At least in theory anyway. Last year her lawyer prevented a visitation decision until 12/24 5pm. So in truth, I will not know until he arrives on 12/24 morning. And even then she could come and demand him back before the day ends.
I told him today. He asked, will you be home on Christmas Day, I said, I suppose so, why? Can I stop by for a little visit on Christmas Day too? No snaps my wife, we are going to see your grandmother (60 miles away). I can call, he asked. Sure, you can call me anytime. (That is our right in the agreement).
I am restricted (by this agreement) from driving him more than 10 miles in one day. My parents live 20 miles away, my brother lives 35 miles away. The urgent care center is 15 miles round trip. The zoo (a favorite) is past this 10 mile round trip.
My son has not vomited in two days. His last regular meal was over one week ago. He has lost over 15% of his body weight. He only needed that one day/night in the hospital for IV fluids. Today he had an egg, some crackers, not much else. That would be one light meal for a whole day. By Sunday, he may be able to eat the equivalent of one full meal and a few snacks. Then in his weakened condition he'll be transported 120 miles by my wife. BIC? Not in my book. I wouldn't take him half that far, but then again, I am ordered not too.
Status: First Draft - Minor Updates 12/23 8pm
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7 comments:
JQ, will you have someone monitering those 10 hours??
Don’t really know. My brother asked the same question tonight. I’m thinking not because the group that would do it isn’t going to want to give up their Holiday. I’m hoping I can have that time without the intrusion of a stranger. I do not know how to explain this stranger either.
Why should I be supervised? Another long story. We have differing parental styles and mine has been deemed “poor judgment”. My wife prefers yelling, over protectionism, and hitting. I prefer to inform him, I believe hitting teaches violence and deception (don’t get caught), I don’t believe in sheltering him. I was advised to involve him in male bonding activities. So if I have some maintenance to do in the house, I show him what I’m doing, explain things, let him help in a safe way. I don’t believe in lying to terrorize him into something because I’m too damn lazy to do it right.
Some quick examples, my son must climb an 8 foot vertical “rock wall” in gym. A few years ago he was comfortable climbing a ladder if it was being held by an adult. One year with Mom and he was “afraid of heights”. I worked with him to overcome this. I closely supervised his safe climbing of an a-frame ladder (easier, safer than vertical), he overcame his fear, and climbed the rock wall in gym. I was accused in court of allowing him to “climb on the roof and hang from the gutters”. You can just imagine the impact of those words yelped in a hysterical tone would invoke images of me in a poor light.
My son’s reaction. One time we were hiking an abandoned railroad track, he was excited to find a spike. It was rust colored but no metal was flaking off or sharp. I checked before he handled it, I advised him of the possible hazards of rusty or sharp metal. My wife freaked out and told him he could die from tetanus. Later he asked me, “is mommy stupid, she thinks this railroad spike could kill me”. My first impression was to think, but not say, no mommy’s not stupid, she’s mentally ill and refuses treatment. Instead I told him, well a long time ago, if it cut you, and drew blood, and you left it untreated then it could be serious. But today we would take you to the hospital and you’d get a tetanus shot and maybe stitches which would hurt, but you would not die. I continued, you should not pick up sharp objects or metal with flaking rust that you could get hurt on.
But as soon as you start trying to defend this strategy, you dig yourself into a deep hole. People start coming up with all kinds of statistically impossible situations where you might be wrong. So why not put him in a bubble. I am very confident in my style, I see him being careful because he understands and doesn’t want to get hurt, not because of some scary fairy tale he knows isn’t true. It builds a better bond and trust. Given the above comment, do you think he’ll ask his Mom many questions?
You know you could consider parenting as the most important job to be done. And you know my philosophy on work – care about it and do it right. Apparently a minority view in this century, a bit old-school, don’t you think.
BTW, thanks for the provocative questions. They’re helping me think about some important issues.
Oh, first comment by these supposed protectors of my son, about the rock wall was, “oh he’s in a harness”. I told them, no he is not, I have photos of the area. The gym teacher will catch them if they fall, they have one inch mats on a hard wood floor.
No more comment from them. I ask, you want the photos, you want to reconsider. Still no comment. They’re too damned bull headed to reconsider. They already made up their minds and don’t want to be confused by logic, facts, or evidence. It’s a bullshit system.
Someone needs to slap the shit out her your X. My God, I just can't believe that she would take a childs FATHER away. Yes, she has not totally taken you away but she is doing her best to keep you away as often as she can AND she is doing her best to be "THE ONE IN CONTROL OF EACH AND EVERY SITUATION". Yes, someone needs to slap her. I do not believe in a man putting his hands on a lady but mister....give me a call, I am a lady and I will be pleased to do it.
Oh boy, don’t tempt me like that, you could find a round trip first class ticket in your mail box with her address on it.
They need a new acronym, see, technically two years after the kidnapping, we’re still husband and wife, so she’s not my ex yet and given her propensity for dragging this out, I only wish I could call her my stbx (soon to be ex), how about wishing for her to be ex (wfhtbx or wstbx) or maybe God deliver me from the torture of my spouse (Gdmfttoms), kind of unwieldy, so I understand your shortened version of simply X.
You can see the practical situation, whenever I say she won’t address the missing visitation (during jury duty), I get this patronizing, oh you’re wrong (lying), she’s letting you see him for 90 minutes (almost enough time to feed him and help him with his homework – BFD). Yes I’m grateful for every single minute, but I’m pissed that the time is doled out in minutes. Would any parent seeing their child for 90 minutes for 3 days in a week, construe that as having seen them? I think not! Only if they had the free lobotomy and brainwashing that comes with a JD degree.
When did fatherhood get redefined as sperm doner, financial supporter, and free baby sitter as well as optional biological contributor? Maybe I need a new dictionary.
I think she received advice on the kidnapping. If you think I practice restraint now, imagine when I was within one foot of her and my son on that night, seeing his Scooby Doo luggage bag outside his bedroom.
I think part of it was divine intervention and part of it was some form of mental shock protection mechanism (divinely created). She was likely hoping I made some type of mistake. I allowed her to pass within inches of me without touching her, why, she was looking for something that could be construed as domestic violence. I would have liked to throw her out the upstairs window. Instead I called the police to report a kidnapping in progress.
Control freak, yep, good description of her. I have another post, micro managed visitation on another example of it. Oh, I see you’ve seen that already KK.
The ironic thing is she tried to manipulate me about how great our divorced relationship would be. How I’d see my son anytime, we’d go on family outings together, maybe family vacations, we’d have a weekly family meal together. Just sign here. Then the truth comes out, “or else you don’t see him”.
JQ I am hopeing you get a Christmas miracle and don't have a monitor hanging around all day!
That would be the height of an out of control system trying to ruin a holiday.
I've had 2 years of limited vistition without supervision and without a real incident (only polyanna percieved possibilities).
If that happens I'll be calling my lawyer and the newspaper.
And then I may just start posting names. But with this Lady, nothing surprises me.
Thanks for your well wishes.
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