You'll notice that there are two posts with the same name below. Blogger decided to freak out while I was posting. I've seen this several times in the last few days.
Use the post directly under this one, it works. The post 2 down from here is gimped, you can't follow the permalink or comment on it. Unfortunately I can't delete it either.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
JD = License to F--K
Did you know that a JD degree gives you a license to F--K with people?
Ah, yes, that is the learned (and rather candid) response I got from my lawyer when I complained of one of the many forms of harassment my wife's pit bull lawyer has subjected me too.
Well what do you say to that? I shot back, "Where can I get one of those?"
See its nothing personal, its just part of the game. You're taking it too personally...
Or maybe this question comes to mind - What kind of justice is this? It's F--Ked up justice, and it's typical of the domestic relations courts throughout the United States.
You know guys are always accused of wanting nothing more than a good F--K, well by gosh this is the best F--K of my life, unfortunately I'm not enjoying it.
PS: No offense to you women out there, just the particular one doing it to me!
Ah, yes, that is the learned (and rather candid) response I got from my lawyer when I complained of one of the many forms of harassment my wife's pit bull lawyer has subjected me too.
Well what do you say to that? I shot back, "Where can I get one of those?"
See its nothing personal, its just part of the game. You're taking it too personally...
- Last summer I only got 4 hours visitation in any given day. For six months while my son was in school, I would get 8 hours visitation on his days off (less than a dozen days) if they were M,T,W, no weekends, no overnights. Then just before this past summer vacation, the she devil lawyer representing my wife decided that since my previous lawyer was too dumb to journalize this agreement, she'd take it back. So for the second summer, we could only have 4 hours together.
- She froze every asset, plunging me into financial chaos and causing my A1 credit to sink to POOR.
- At one point, utilities were shut off, I was within 2 days of loosing the house and could not buy groceries.
- Opposing counsel refused to accept child support money causing me to be labeled as a deadbeat and reflecting that in my credit rating
- Various government agencies have threatened to seize assets beyond what is already held, based on opposing counsel's activities.
- Opposing counsel harassed my employer, banks, broker and of course me with unnecessary busy work, subpoenas and threatening letters. She even threatened my lawyer in my presence.
- When I attempted to hire a new lawyer more able to deal with opposing counsel, then opposing counsel and the guardian (personal friend of the lawyer I was firing) contacted (at least 3 firms of) my prospective candidates and their senior partners to discourage them from taking my case. One candidate just didn't show up & sent a junior partner to tell me, the other candidate's senior partner sent me an email saying they would not be taking me as a client. The third one accepted me with restrictions and told me what was going on.
Or maybe this question comes to mind - What kind of justice is this? It's F--Ked up justice, and it's typical of the domestic relations courts throughout the United States.
You know guys are always accused of wanting nothing more than a good F--K, well by gosh this is the best F--K of my life, unfortunately I'm not enjoying it.
PS: No offense to you women out there, just the particular one doing it to me!
Paradox of Recovery
Who'd guess that "no pain, no gain" applied to emotional recovery too?
Early stages of divorce can involve denial and avoidance. While these help dull the pain in the short term, they also delay the solution. The nagging pain continues, somewhat dulled. While time will help, it won't really go away without moving through the grief process.
When you are already suffering pain, you're hoping for pain relief. So I looked for a divorce recovery program to help. Well, there are two sides to every coin. It helps you confront the pain, which is ironically painful in itself. Working & talking with others in divorce paradoxically both helped and hurt. It brought suppressed pain to the surface to be challenged & dealt with.
Lessons learned:
Best wishes in your recovery, we must help each other.
Early stages of divorce can involve denial and avoidance. While these help dull the pain in the short term, they also delay the solution. The nagging pain continues, somewhat dulled. While time will help, it won't really go away without moving through the grief process.
When you are already suffering pain, you're hoping for pain relief. So I looked for a divorce recovery program to help. Well, there are two sides to every coin. It helps you confront the pain, which is ironically painful in itself. Working & talking with others in divorce paradoxically both helped and hurt. It brought suppressed pain to the surface to be challenged & dealt with.
Lessons learned:
- Divorce recovery is usually attempted when the divorce is complete. But during a long divorce your denial and suppression mechanisms break down, so I attempted divorce recovery during the divorce. This adds an extra aggravation that some suggested solutions can't work, because the divorce process is incomplete, you are stuck with some negative aspects.
- You will experience additional pain in order to move on. It will open old wounds for copious application of salt.
- You will meet people worse off, this can be depressing.
- You will be able to help others, this will be therapeutic to both the recipient & yourself.
- You will be amazed at just how much bigger the problem is than you ever thought.
- You will want to put it all behind you and never look back. Put the pain behind, but try to contribute - to others in pain, to protesting injustice, to moving the system forward. This will give purpose to your pain.
- The system seems broke beyond repair, it will remain so if you don't challenge it. Inaction against a broken system is tacit approval and the main reason the system remains broken.
Best wishes in your recovery, we must help each other.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Deadbeat Debris
Being labeled a Deadbeat is the gift that keeps on giving...
I reviewed my credit report for my case, opposing counsel's game worked well. By playing games and not accepting held funds for child support, I was falsely labeled as a deadbeat (as I'm sure so many others are). That was bad enough, but it's also on my credit report (for the next seven years) for every credit decision, job background check (I'll be lucky to even get an interview), and every insurance premium decision.
Today, I got a notice of intent to seize assets. Great! Not just for the several thousand dollar mistake they made now, but for any future mistake over $150. But even better, the letter says "this decision is unappealable and enforceable". Wow, now that's the due process we've all come to know & love in the United States (and they thought English taxes on tea were bad).
These enforcement mistakes have cost me money and will continue to cause problems and cost me more money in the future. All because the bureaucracy doesn't function.
And next week, a new federal law lowers the deadbeat limit to $2500.
I reviewed my credit report for my case, opposing counsel's game worked well. By playing games and not accepting held funds for child support, I was falsely labeled as a deadbeat (as I'm sure so many others are). That was bad enough, but it's also on my credit report (for the next seven years) for every credit decision, job background check (I'll be lucky to even get an interview), and every insurance premium decision.
Today, I got a notice of intent to seize assets. Great! Not just for the several thousand dollar mistake they made now, but for any future mistake over $150. But even better, the letter says "this decision is unappealable and enforceable". Wow, now that's the due process we've all come to know & love in the United States (and they thought English taxes on tea were bad).
These enforcement mistakes have cost me money and will continue to cause problems and cost me more money in the future. All because the bureaucracy doesn't function.
And next week, a new federal law lowers the deadbeat limit to $2500.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Help in coping
Check out invisibledad's latest post:
What Would Josey Do?: Coping with Stolen Children
He talks about several great benefits of an online journal for your children. It's an idea worth consideration, regardless of your visitation status.
What Would Josey Do?: Coping with Stolen Children
He talks about several great benefits of an online journal for your children. It's an idea worth consideration, regardless of your visitation status.
Updates
I've made several improvements to the sidebar. Take a closer look. You'll see more in the future.
The biggest improvement will be a companion website. This can reference content that doesn't fit the Blog format well. The companion web site will contain an introduction, planned topics/features, etc.
Since this is a new domain, I'm having trouble with it being consistently recognized, you'll probably get routed to Earthlink's home for awhile until DNS servers are in sync.
The biggest improvement will be a companion website. This can reference content that doesn't fit the Blog format well. The companion web site will contain an introduction, planned topics/features, etc.
Since this is a new domain, I'm having trouble with it being consistently recognized, you'll probably get routed to Earthlink's home for awhile until DNS servers are in sync.
On a musical note
Click Arrow to play audio.
Click here to play the video!
Well in another ode to pop culture and on a lighter note then my first installment...
Artist: Natasha BedingfieldMay we all take Natasha's advice and realize we're already whole without our spouse.
Album: Unwritten
Lyrics: Single
Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you
I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole
Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right
Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood
[Chorus]
Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way
Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant
If you get a chance, listen to it or better yet, watch the video.
Natasha Bedingfield has such great songs on relationships, see more of her here.
Status: Updated video links 03/29/09
Please let me know if there are better audio or video links.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Deadbeats, Rights and Responsibilities
invisibledad made a very well thought comment to my post "Deadbeat Equality" below. I want to bring it to everyone's attention. He makes several great points and interesting comparisons.
In my post I was making the point that financial support (responsibility) issues are dealt with harshly without even knowing if they are true, while visitation (emotional support, parental rights) are completely ignored even in the most egregious cases. invisibledad points out existing precedents that strongly support that rights and responsibilities should never be separated. He also points out that when someone gives up parental rights they are not expected to continue their responsibilities, nor are they called deadbeats. Again more support for the tie between rights & responsibilities.
He also reminds me of the hideous terminology that helps perpetuate this injustice. Spouses are divorcing, the child is not divorcing his parents, so why then are they called custodial and non-custodial? Even the terms residential and non-residential are not much better. They are different terms and it sets us up for inequality. Visitation is the most vile word for describing time with your parent. Since the child is not divorcing his parents, there really should be no distinction between the parents. The only thing to do is determine how the child can achieve equal access to his parents.
But beware, many people use new politically correct terminology while maintaining (and translating to) their own primitive unjust treatment!
PS: invisibledad added a few comments to this post. He mentions the need to recognize the enemies of parental rights, I would add that these are the enemies of both the restricted rights parent and the child who does not have equal access to both his parents. He makes an important point about cherry picking rights and responsibilities. Comparing how Divorced Dad's are handled relative to other groups really emphasizes the absurdity of the current system.
In my post I was making the point that financial support (responsibility) issues are dealt with harshly without even knowing if they are true, while visitation (emotional support, parental rights) are completely ignored even in the most egregious cases. invisibledad points out existing precedents that strongly support that rights and responsibilities should never be separated. He also points out that when someone gives up parental rights they are not expected to continue their responsibilities, nor are they called deadbeats. Again more support for the tie between rights & responsibilities.
He also reminds me of the hideous terminology that helps perpetuate this injustice. Spouses are divorcing, the child is not divorcing his parents, so why then are they called custodial and non-custodial? Even the terms residential and non-residential are not much better. They are different terms and it sets us up for inequality. Visitation is the most vile word for describing time with your parent. Since the child is not divorcing his parents, there really should be no distinction between the parents. The only thing to do is determine how the child can achieve equal access to his parents.
But beware, many people use new politically correct terminology while maintaining (and translating to) their own primitive unjust treatment!
invisibledad said...Thank you for your ideas. invisibledad's comment is a great example of my goal for this Blog to collaborate and improve upon ideas. You can visit his Blog at What Would Josey Do?I think we need to define the status of "parent" as something determined much more by one's relationships than one's biology, and I think we need to support the position that parental rights and parental responsibilities must go hand-in-hand.
This position is consistent with cases of adoption. Adoption is a socially sanctioned process by which individuals cede both their parental rights AND their parental responsibilities. Those offering their children for adoption are not referred to as "deadbeats."
(Moreover, if the individual doing the ceding is a 16-year-old girl, she's perceived not as a deadbeat, but rather noble. How egregious can a double standard be?)
The view that the relationship determines who is and isn't a parent is also reinforced in the case of same sex couples. Refusing to call both members of the union "parents" will certainly be met with disapproval.
A number of times I've seen psychologists tell adopted children, "Your parents are the ones who raised you." If this is true, many of us who have suffered under this system aren't really parents (as much as we'd like to be).
Finally, I think a consistent application of this perspective necessarily implies that parental rights and parental responsibilities must go together.
If innocent parents are going to have their children effectively kidnapped (or "forcibly adopted"), calling them "deadbeats" is absurd--it makes no more sense to hold them to their alleged parental responsibilities than it does to attempt to hold a biological parent responsible after his/her children have been legally adopted by another party.
If I'm going to be held to my parental responsibilities, I expect my parental rights to be enforced. I have no time for those who see it any other way; nor do I have time for a system that perpetuates such injustice.
PS: invisibledad added a few comments to this post. He mentions the need to recognize the enemies of parental rights, I would add that these are the enemies of both the restricted rights parent and the child who does not have equal access to both his parents. He makes an important point about cherry picking rights and responsibilities. Comparing how Divorced Dad's are handled relative to other groups really emphasizes the absurdity of the current system.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Deadbeat Equality
Why is it that we don't have equality in deadbeat status (support vs. visitation)?
The child support enforcement agency has super collection powers making the IRS look like kittens. They can seize assets, take passports and driver's licenses. Who can argue with that, the deadbeats deserve it, right? Well that depends on the definition of deadbeat. See an earlier post below for a definition of that.
But what of the Deadbeat Mom's that prevent visitation. The law says support must be paid regardless of interference with visitation. So what is the penalty, there isn't one. You can hire lawyers and go to court and probably not get anywhere.
I have paid all ordered child support, but with 5 errors in the support agency, I have a large stack of threats, several thousand dollars in legal fees and was nearly imprisoned.
My wife kidnapped my child, avoided the service of the court for over a week, I had no knowledge of where he was or how to contact him.
I called the police, they said there is no such thing as parental kidnapping. They threatened to arrest me if I interfered in her taking my child (in his pajamas while he was sleeping). I informed them of her past threats and a legal agreement requiring advance notice to leave the county. They told me legal agreements don't count only court orders (guess the officer could use an Intro to Contract Law course).
The last thing my son saw was his mother's family strapping him in a seat and the police K9 unit pushing me back and not even allowing me to say goodbye.
At one point during my pleading with the officer he reached for his weapon. He said the law required him to protect the weaker party (female). I filed a complaint and the responders were disciplined for poor handling of the "domestic dispute" (not kidnapping).
So one week and $5000 later when I finally found him, justice was served, right? No, possession is truly 9/10 of the law, and today you can still possess a person if they are under 18. No visitation, more hearings, lots of restrictions. The courts don't like to change things and at the dawn of the 20th century the homemaker got the kids and money from the breadwinner. Maybe in a hundred years they'll move to the 21st century. Her penalty - a big check every month. She has constantly given me less than even the sub-standard visitation that the court ordered.
My lawyer's advice (off the record, of course), you want him, take him back and then she'll have to beg you for visitation. Yeah right, I'd probably get as far as two miles before the police would drag me out my car, throw me to the ground and cuff me, if they didn't shoot me, all in front of my son. Tell me, does anybody think for a minute that I could get away with what she did? Better yet, tell me why.
So that's the state of 21st century Domestic Relations Justice. Can someone please help me understand the difference between that and cave man justice?
Visitation is a form of emotional support for the child so they can benefit from the non-custodial parent. No child should be deprived of the emotional support of either of their parents.
My proposal, redefine support to include both money and emotional (visitation) support. Use the exact same rules (with the same error rate) and when the custodial parent withholds emotional support then you impose the same penalties - fines, seize assets, IRS refunds, passport, driver's license and of course imprisonment.
How about it? - Let there be equality!
The child support enforcement agency has super collection powers making the IRS look like kittens. They can seize assets, take passports and driver's licenses. Who can argue with that, the deadbeats deserve it, right? Well that depends on the definition of deadbeat. See an earlier post below for a definition of that.
But what of the Deadbeat Mom's that prevent visitation. The law says support must be paid regardless of interference with visitation. So what is the penalty, there isn't one. You can hire lawyers and go to court and probably not get anywhere.
I have paid all ordered child support, but with 5 errors in the support agency, I have a large stack of threats, several thousand dollars in legal fees and was nearly imprisoned.
My wife kidnapped my child, avoided the service of the court for over a week, I had no knowledge of where he was or how to contact him.
I called the police, they said there is no such thing as parental kidnapping. They threatened to arrest me if I interfered in her taking my child (in his pajamas while he was sleeping). I informed them of her past threats and a legal agreement requiring advance notice to leave the county. They told me legal agreements don't count only court orders (guess the officer could use an Intro to Contract Law course).
The last thing my son saw was his mother's family strapping him in a seat and the police K9 unit pushing me back and not even allowing me to say goodbye.
At one point during my pleading with the officer he reached for his weapon. He said the law required him to protect the weaker party (female). I filed a complaint and the responders were disciplined for poor handling of the "domestic dispute" (not kidnapping).
So one week and $5000 later when I finally found him, justice was served, right? No, possession is truly 9/10 of the law, and today you can still possess a person if they are under 18. No visitation, more hearings, lots of restrictions. The courts don't like to change things and at the dawn of the 20th century the homemaker got the kids and money from the breadwinner. Maybe in a hundred years they'll move to the 21st century. Her penalty - a big check every month. She has constantly given me less than even the sub-standard visitation that the court ordered.
My lawyer's advice (off the record, of course), you want him, take him back and then she'll have to beg you for visitation. Yeah right, I'd probably get as far as two miles before the police would drag me out my car, throw me to the ground and cuff me, if they didn't shoot me, all in front of my son. Tell me, does anybody think for a minute that I could get away with what she did? Better yet, tell me why.
So that's the state of 21st century Domestic Relations Justice. Can someone please help me understand the difference between that and cave man justice?
Visitation is a form of emotional support for the child so they can benefit from the non-custodial parent. No child should be deprived of the emotional support of either of their parents.
My proposal, redefine support to include both money and emotional (visitation) support. Use the exact same rules (with the same error rate) and when the custodial parent withholds emotional support then you impose the same penalties - fines, seize assets, IRS refunds, passport, driver's license and of course imprisonment.
How about it? - Let there be equality!
Support Child Support Enforcement
Child support is important. Most child support agencies are in dire need of help.
You can help them wth your donation of calculators and remedial reading and math text books.
So let's all do our part and get these donations going.
You can help them wth your donation of calculators and remedial reading and math text books.
So let's all do our part and get these donations going.
Deadbeat Bureaucracy
The child support enforcement bureaucracy is in no position to cast stones. As in the rest of the Domestic Relations Process, they are destroying peoples lives.
The enforcement agency often makes mistakes, they made 5 in my case alone.
Unless you keep checking with them, your first indication is a pleasantly worded letter containing threats and a demand for payment. The payment amount and how it is derived is not included. The concept of a statement (like any other biller has done for years) is a completely foreign concept. No one would accept this error rate, lack of billing information and threats from any other biller.
They say that they are not allowed to fix mistakes by law, no matter how they were made, or even if you show them proof of payment or error.
I'm told they often don't start the collections at the right time. Instead of reading the support order they arbitrarily start it when they want to. They usually start you off too early, so you're already a deadbeat. Hey, in my case they were only several thousand off.
When they seize assets, it's because you owe them right? Wrong, they seize whatever they can get, completely unrelated to what is owed. The seizer and the person who knows what you owe don't speak. In my case they seized 2.5 years worth. Well at least my son was taken care of right? Wrong again, he didn't see a nickel for 6 months, because my wife refused to agree to release the funds. That way I stayed in arrears. Then she filed criminal charges to have me put in jail. Didn't the lawyers & court straighten it out? You'd think so, they spent months playing games with my son's money. Too bad someone wasn't looking out for him, ah but there was a Guardian to look out for his best interest, she also came to these hearings to join in the games.
How was this going to be fixed, I fired my lawyer for this incompetence. There was another hearing scheduled to determine if I would be allowed to fire my own lawyer, the judge refused. At the next hearing I informed the bailiff, just prior to it starting, to hand the judge a note saying that I was not properly represented, that my counsel was hostile, and my right to due process was being violated. Finally the judge let me in chambers (you wouldn't believe what goes on...). In 30 minutes I caused it all to be resolved. How? By bringing evidence of my wife's lawyer's lies (see in chambers no one is under oath, they can and do lie).
The final deal, first take the legal fees out of the 30 months worth of support. My lawyer got 10 months worth for his poor representation and the Guardian got 5 months for looking out for my son's best interest (um, sarcasm here). There was another 5 months taken out for some joint marital debt leaving only 1/3 left over for child support.
The back child support, now up to 5 months was paid directly to my wife. This was not communicated to the enforcement agency so they have relabeled me a deadbeat. My choice, suffer the penalties or pay 5 months support that I don't have or owe.
Our state calculates support once a month. If you are paid some other way, weekly, biweekly, etc. You are always either ahead or behind, if you're behind (no fault of your own, depends on your employer) and a seizeable event occurs, your assets will be seized and held as mine were.
If you loose your job or income is reduced, you will be required to pay the previous amount for at least 6 months before an adjustment is considered.
So the next time you hear about a deadbeat, ASK was it Dad or the Bureaucracy?
Did he even owe it at all? In my case it was a deadbeat system, with deadbeat lawyers and even a deadbeat Guardian.
The end result is that all this has beat me up beyond recognition.
That's the real definition of a Deadbeat Dad, someone who has been beating himself against the Deadbeat Bureaucracy.
Dads don't leave, they're beaten by the bureaucracy and chased away.
The enforcement agency often makes mistakes, they made 5 in my case alone.
Unless you keep checking with them, your first indication is a pleasantly worded letter containing threats and a demand for payment. The payment amount and how it is derived is not included. The concept of a statement (like any other biller has done for years) is a completely foreign concept. No one would accept this error rate, lack of billing information and threats from any other biller.
They say that they are not allowed to fix mistakes by law, no matter how they were made, or even if you show them proof of payment or error.
I'm told they often don't start the collections at the right time. Instead of reading the support order they arbitrarily start it when they want to. They usually start you off too early, so you're already a deadbeat. Hey, in my case they were only several thousand off.
When they seize assets, it's because you owe them right? Wrong, they seize whatever they can get, completely unrelated to what is owed. The seizer and the person who knows what you owe don't speak. In my case they seized 2.5 years worth. Well at least my son was taken care of right? Wrong again, he didn't see a nickel for 6 months, because my wife refused to agree to release the funds. That way I stayed in arrears. Then she filed criminal charges to have me put in jail. Didn't the lawyers & court straighten it out? You'd think so, they spent months playing games with my son's money. Too bad someone wasn't looking out for him, ah but there was a Guardian to look out for his best interest, she also came to these hearings to join in the games.
How was this going to be fixed, I fired my lawyer for this incompetence. There was another hearing scheduled to determine if I would be allowed to fire my own lawyer, the judge refused. At the next hearing I informed the bailiff, just prior to it starting, to hand the judge a note saying that I was not properly represented, that my counsel was hostile, and my right to due process was being violated. Finally the judge let me in chambers (you wouldn't believe what goes on...). In 30 minutes I caused it all to be resolved. How? By bringing evidence of my wife's lawyer's lies (see in chambers no one is under oath, they can and do lie).
The final deal, first take the legal fees out of the 30 months worth of support. My lawyer got 10 months worth for his poor representation and the Guardian got 5 months for looking out for my son's best interest (um, sarcasm here). There was another 5 months taken out for some joint marital debt leaving only 1/3 left over for child support.
The back child support, now up to 5 months was paid directly to my wife. This was not communicated to the enforcement agency so they have relabeled me a deadbeat. My choice, suffer the penalties or pay 5 months support that I don't have or owe.
Our state calculates support once a month. If you are paid some other way, weekly, biweekly, etc. You are always either ahead or behind, if you're behind (no fault of your own, depends on your employer) and a seizeable event occurs, your assets will be seized and held as mine were.
If you loose your job or income is reduced, you will be required to pay the previous amount for at least 6 months before an adjustment is considered.
So the next time you hear about a deadbeat, ASK was it Dad or the Bureaucracy?
Did he even owe it at all? In my case it was a deadbeat system, with deadbeat lawyers and even a deadbeat Guardian.
The end result is that all this has beat me up beyond recognition.
That's the real definition of a Deadbeat Dad, someone who has been beating himself against the Deadbeat Bureaucracy.
Dads don't leave, they're beaten by the bureaucracy and chased away.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
On a lighter note
We're all influenced by pop culture, so occasionally I'll toss in a personal favorite that relates to the BLOG.
Movie: Scent of a woman
Al Pacino plays a salty wounded veteran who has the gift of charm. Much as many lawyers do. This movie is a masterpiece on so many levels.
Warning - This film does portray contemplated suicide (in DVD chapter 11), although his chaperone does detect and prevent it in a very dramatic scene. It shows how quickly things can erode, from the elation of driving the Ferrari to the realization that "I'm not drivin anymore". The well meaning chaperone, nearly triggered the death of his charge.
The Ferrari scene (in DVD chapter 10) is very funny until Al Pacino stops driving. Press chapter advance twice (to chapter 12) after Al Pacino gets out of the car if you'd like to avoid the disturbing sequence.
Scene - Near the end (watch DVD Chapters 12-14 for the fullest effect) Al Pacino defends his charge at his disciplinary hearing with his impassioned lines. From DVD Chapter 13 "The Colonel Speaks Out"
Remaining section is Draft Status - More updates later...
Other great scenes
There are so many great scenes in this move...
Discussion
You see so many parallels in this movie. Al Pacino's careful use of words that are misleading without being an outright lie. The drama of the disciplinary hearing, how the unprincipled party line player Mr. Willis was to be rewarded while the Mr. Simms was to be ruined. Both did not want to betray their classmates, but Mr. Simms did it with honesty.
When watching the beginning of chapter 12 and seeing just how pathetic and cowardly Mr. Willis is, you can't help but see the terrible irony in how he could be a "worthy Baird man", a future leader. And when the Colonel calls into question the types of leaders that are being formed, how the dean attempts to quash him to maintain the hypocrisy.
But in the end, it is the Colonel's carefully chosen, strongly presented advocacy that wins the case. The outcome had absolutely nothing to do with the facts. You can see, that just as in Divorce Court, truth, justice, and principles are absent. This is what leads to disappointing or surprising outcomes. We all learned the propaganda in school, our system falls far short.
Moral of the story
Movie: Scent of a woman
Al Pacino plays a salty wounded veteran who has the gift of charm. Much as many lawyers do. This movie is a masterpiece on so many levels.
Warning - This film does portray contemplated suicide (in DVD chapter 11), although his chaperone does detect and prevent it in a very dramatic scene. It shows how quickly things can erode, from the elation of driving the Ferrari to the realization that "I'm not drivin anymore". The well meaning chaperone, nearly triggered the death of his charge.
The Ferrari scene (in DVD chapter 10) is very funny until Al Pacino stops driving. Press chapter advance twice (to chapter 12) after Al Pacino gets out of the car if you'd like to avoid the disturbing sequence.
Scene - Near the end (watch DVD Chapters 12-14 for the fullest effect) Al Pacino defends his charge at his disciplinary hearing with his impassioned lines. From DVD Chapter 13 "The Colonel Speaks Out"
"If I were the man I was ... I'd take a flamethrower to this place"
"I've been around ... I have seen, Boys like these ... their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that."
"You think you are ... but I say you are executing his soul, and why"
"I don't know if [he] is right or wrong... [but he] won't sell anybody out to buy his future! And that my friends is called integrity, that's called courage"
"I always knew what the right path was, ... but I never took it, you know why? It was too damn hard! Now here's Charlie, ... he has chosen a path, it's the right path made of principle, that leads to character"
Copyright 1998 Universal Home Video from Scent of a Woman
Remaining section is Draft Status - More updates later...
There are so many great scenes in this move...
Discussion
You see so many parallels in this movie. Al Pacino's careful use of words that are misleading without being an outright lie. The drama of the disciplinary hearing, how the unprincipled party line player Mr. Willis was to be rewarded while the Mr. Simms was to be ruined. Both did not want to betray their classmates, but Mr. Simms did it with honesty.
When watching the beginning of chapter 12 and seeing just how pathetic and cowardly Mr. Willis is, you can't help but see the terrible irony in how he could be a "worthy Baird man", a future leader. And when the Colonel calls into question the types of leaders that are being formed, how the dean attempts to quash him to maintain the hypocrisy.
But in the end, it is the Colonel's carefully chosen, strongly presented advocacy that wins the case. The outcome had absolutely nothing to do with the facts. You can see, that just as in Divorce Court, truth, justice, and principles are absent. This is what leads to disappointing or surprising outcomes. We all learned the propaganda in school, our system falls far short.
Moral of the story
An apology
First big distinction, principles vs. stuff.
I'm all for negotiation on everything but principles. I'm the one who has constantly looked for ways to a mediated solution in our divorce.
I know its not clear, I haven't told you enough details yet, but I've been pushed beyond compromise of stuff.
So if a lawyer is a dung beetle, what does that make me, the client who might sell out his principles from sheer exhaustion?
A prostitute? That's what it feels like, all sleazy and dirty.
I'm too hard on myself. I know, I've stood up better than most. I had to, years from now, when my son asks,
That's my principle and damn it I will fight to the death. Without principles we're just animals.
I apologize if the reader will think I'm too hard on them when they've had to compromise their principles. Don't take it personally. I understand the anguish you went through or you may go through in the future. We all have limits.
Let me be very clear, I am not criticizing the victims of this terrible system that attempts to corrupt your principles. I am criticizing, in the strongest way possible, the system that does it to you.
Am I right or wrong? I don't know, I have followed my principles, and that's all I can do.
There's only one real judge, and he isn't in a courthouse wearing a robe, and that's the only judge I care about, the real one, that created me and my son.
Do what ya gotta do, just make sure you decided and some sleazy system didn't force you to violate your principles without your knowledge or protest.
I'm all for negotiation on everything but principles. I'm the one who has constantly looked for ways to a mediated solution in our divorce.
I know its not clear, I haven't told you enough details yet, but I've been pushed beyond compromise of stuff.
So if a lawyer is a dung beetle, what does that make me, the client who might sell out his principles from sheer exhaustion?
A prostitute? That's what it feels like, all sleazy and dirty.
I'm too hard on myself. I know, I've stood up better than most. I had to, years from now, when my son asks,
Dad, did you do everything you could, did you fight for me?
Damn straight kid, with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my strength! It nearly killed me, but you are worth it! You are my son, you know it, I know it, and F--K those who interfered.
That's my principle and damn it I will fight to the death. Without principles we're just animals.
I apologize if the reader will think I'm too hard on them when they've had to compromise their principles. Don't take it personally. I understand the anguish you went through or you may go through in the future. We all have limits.
Let me be very clear, I am not criticizing the victims of this terrible system that attempts to corrupt your principles. I am criticizing, in the strongest way possible, the system that does it to you.
Am I right or wrong? I don't know, I have followed my principles, and that's all I can do.
There's only one real judge, and he isn't in a courthouse wearing a robe, and that's the only judge I care about, the real one, that created me and my son.
Do what ya gotta do, just make sure you decided and some sleazy system didn't force you to violate your principles without your knowledge or protest.
Don't tempt me!
Can you tell? It's not a good day, lot's of posts. They took a while, some revising of raw emotion. I think I did OK.
My lawyer called me for a meeting today, I asked for an agenda, didn't get one. He knew my agenda, many problems surrounding prevented visitation, another child support error of $3000 plus. This one is even dumber. The court took the money directly from my employer, paid it directly to my wife and did not inform the enforcement agency. So now they are threatening to take my IRS refund, driver's license, and passport.
Did you know the dead beat dad limit will be reduced from $5000 to $2500 in Oct 2006? Great, that's well within their tolerance for round off error. Now even more Dad's can be extorted for debts they don't owe.
What did I accomplish at the lawyer's meeting? I was yelled at for some of the 2.5 hours and told I'm a poor litigant and it didn't matter if I was a good parent the court wanted me to toe the line, be a good actor, don't demand your rights, take what they give you with a smile.
My agenda? Little progress. My bill? Over half a grand.
When I left the meeting, I had car trouble which meant I couldn't meet my child and would loose out on some of my very limited visitation. When I did see him, he was upset.
So pardon me if I'm pissed, OK?
I was going to say that lawyers are weasels, but that's an insult to weasels. I think they're closer to dung beetles, but even that's an insult. Do you know why? (I just wrote this joke).
What is the difference between a dung beetle and a lawyer? I'll accept two answers.
I'm questioning my idea of anonymity. I was so bold today when the lawyer asked if I could keep his answers confidential that I said sure, from the other parties, I'll just post it on the internet. We both chuckled.
Go ahead - Make my day!
I swear if these bastards keep on provoking me, you're going to see, names, dates, docket numbers, and records posted here.
So stay tuned!
My lawyer called me for a meeting today, I asked for an agenda, didn't get one. He knew my agenda, many problems surrounding prevented visitation, another child support error of $3000 plus. This one is even dumber. The court took the money directly from my employer, paid it directly to my wife and did not inform the enforcement agency. So now they are threatening to take my IRS refund, driver's license, and passport.
Did you know the dead beat dad limit will be reduced from $5000 to $2500 in Oct 2006? Great, that's well within their tolerance for round off error. Now even more Dad's can be extorted for debts they don't owe.
What did I accomplish at the lawyer's meeting? I was yelled at for some of the 2.5 hours and told I'm a poor litigant and it didn't matter if I was a good parent the court wanted me to toe the line, be a good actor, don't demand your rights, take what they give you with a smile.
My agenda? Little progress. My bill? Over half a grand.
When I left the meeting, I had car trouble which meant I couldn't meet my child and would loose out on some of my very limited visitation. When I did see him, he was upset.
So pardon me if I'm pissed, OK?
I was going to say that lawyers are weasels, but that's an insult to weasels. I think they're closer to dung beetles, but even that's an insult. Do you know why? (I just wrote this joke).
What is the difference between a dung beetle and a lawyer? I'll accept two answers.
- A dung beetle performs a useful function and a lawyer doesn't.
- A dung beetle eats shit, a lawyer makes you eat shit.
I'm questioning my idea of anonymity. I was so bold today when the lawyer asked if I could keep his answers confidential that I said sure, from the other parties, I'll just post it on the internet. We both chuckled.
It reminds me of (Pirate's of the Caribbean) when they asked Captain Jack his purpose on the dock and he said to steal your ship which was actually his true purpose, but the guards didn't believe him.
My child has a very well developed sense of intellectual curiosity. The making of the movie featurette on the DVD is a great way to show your children that it doesn't have to be scary, it's make believe, and that the fights have lots of precautions.
Go ahead - Make my day!
I swear if these bastards keep on provoking me, you're going to see, names, dates, docket numbers, and records posted here.
So stay tuned!
Principles
The economic reality of the Domestic Relations process is that far too frequently it involves compromising your principles.
This is because lawyers are very handsomely compensated ($200-$400) for hours spent rather than results produced.
There is also a wide spread jaded mentality in the legal system. They deal with the gory mess of destroyed relationships constantly. If they really cared, they'd go crazy. They could care a little, but it's easier to pretend to care and steer the client into what's easiest for them. This is when their compromised principles (taking money for no results is only the very first one of many) starts to impinge upon yours.
When your spouse wants the better TV that you should be entitled to and your lawyer advises not to spend 2 billing hours on obtaining an easily replaced commodity for $300, they're giving you practical advice, you should probably just follow it and move on.
Early on, when my lawyer said that an initial Child Support error of $3,000 occurred frequently and that it would cost me more to fight it than to just pay it, I was shocked I was paying a lot of money for the "learned advice of council" that I should pay a bill that was due to sloppy bureaucratic work and lazy legal advocacy.
I spent one aggravating day making phone calls through this bureaucracy and filed an appeal that asked that they simply "enforce the order as written as is their mission". Two weeks later I received a call from a state agency informing me that my appeal was accepted and an order was issued to the county to immediately correct the error.
My lawyer was surprised, "Oh you're the first", BS. Am I a bad Dad for not wanting to pay the erroneous amount? No, that's too easy, that's an emotional excuse. My wife (as I'll explain in detail later) is using my son as an income source, much of the large child support award does not go to him in any way or shape. I have generously spent money on him in addition to the child support award.
So what does this teach us?
If you staunchly defend your principles to the end, you'll be burned alive by the system. Be mindful of when your principles are under attack. Question why, declare your principle, if it must be compromised or broken, make sure that the right people (at least your lawyer) understand that this is happening with your knowledge and under protest.
To give up your principles without so much as a whimper, is to degrade your very soul.
This is because lawyers are very handsomely compensated ($200-$400) for hours spent rather than results produced.
There is also a wide spread jaded mentality in the legal system. They deal with the gory mess of destroyed relationships constantly. If they really cared, they'd go crazy. They could care a little, but it's easier to pretend to care and steer the client into what's easiest for them. This is when their compromised principles (taking money for no results is only the very first one of many) starts to impinge upon yours.
When your spouse wants the better TV that you should be entitled to and your lawyer advises not to spend 2 billing hours on obtaining an easily replaced commodity for $300, they're giving you practical advice, you should probably just follow it and move on.
Early on, when my lawyer said that an initial Child Support error of $3,000 occurred frequently and that it would cost me more to fight it than to just pay it, I was shocked I was paying a lot of money for the "learned advice of council" that I should pay a bill that was due to sloppy bureaucratic work and lazy legal advocacy.
I spent one aggravating day making phone calls through this bureaucracy and filed an appeal that asked that they simply "enforce the order as written as is their mission". Two weeks later I received a call from a state agency informing me that my appeal was accepted and an order was issued to the county to immediately correct the error.
My lawyer was surprised, "Oh you're the first", BS. Am I a bad Dad for not wanting to pay the erroneous amount? No, that's too easy, that's an emotional excuse. My wife (as I'll explain in detail later) is using my son as an income source, much of the large child support award does not go to him in any way or shape. I have generously spent money on him in addition to the child support award.
So what does this teach us?
- Always question motives, don't give up on principles without reasonable investigation or protest.
- Use the age old legal tricks, escalate (county enforcement reports to state) and use carefully chosen words.
- Do your lawyer's job so they don't have to (because they don't care to) and so you don't have to pay for their uncaring half-assed attempt.
- As you will see later, you will not get through this process without compromising your principles at some point.
- When choosing a lawyer find out just how misaligned their principles are from yours. You don't want to be an impractical, stubborn, bad client, but you need the lawyer to understand that the overused "it's going to cost you" excuse will not be acceptable.
If you staunchly defend your principles to the end, you'll be burned alive by the system. Be mindful of when your principles are under attack. Question why, declare your principle, if it must be compromised or broken, make sure that the right people (at least your lawyer) understand that this is happening with your knowledge and under protest.
To give up your principles without so much as a whimper, is to degrade your very soul.
Copyright
Hey someday maybe I'll write a book.
So all my posts, links, webpages, and files are copyrighted, 2005-2006, all rights reserved.
Posts on this BLOG contain a permalink in the time posted at the bottom of the entry, feel free to use it rather than making a verbatim post.
So all my posts, links, webpages, and files are copyrighted, 2005-2006, all rights reserved.
Posts on this BLOG contain a permalink in the time posted at the bottom of the entry, feel free to use it rather than making a verbatim post.
Advice
I was married for over 10 years, one child. My wife decided she wanted a divorce and there was nothing to discuss other than when and how I would comply.
I have been tangled up in this screwed up Domestic Relations "process" for over 18 months. I have too much experience in what can go wrong.
The chronology of this BLOG may seem a bit strange. It will be a mixture of issues I have been analyzing for some time, interspersed with raw present day activities.
I am not a lawyer or doctor. Any advice I can give is based on my observations. When I give advice, its to help you understand what I have learned.
Try to apply it to your own situation, ask your own professionals what they are doing about it.
But be warned, this system is very disturbing. Understanding it better and not being able to change it can drive you crazy. I hope it doesn't.
It is impossible to fight an unknown foe. If the system is already driving you crazy, maybe I can help you understand why so your adversary becomes real, allowing you to take action. I hope so!
Surely multiple heads are better than one and together we can improve our situations. This is my dream, my motivation, I truly hope it can be realized!
Read on at your own risk (and hopefully our mutual reward).
I have been tangled up in this screwed up Domestic Relations "process" for over 18 months. I have too much experience in what can go wrong.
The chronology of this BLOG may seem a bit strange. It will be a mixture of issues I have been analyzing for some time, interspersed with raw present day activities.
I am not a lawyer or doctor. Any advice I can give is based on my observations. When I give advice, its to help you understand what I have learned.
Try to apply it to your own situation, ask your own professionals what they are doing about it.
But be warned, this system is very disturbing. Understanding it better and not being able to change it can drive you crazy. I hope it doesn't.
It is impossible to fight an unknown foe. If the system is already driving you crazy, maybe I can help you understand why so your adversary becomes real, allowing you to take action. I hope so!
Surely multiple heads are better than one and together we can improve our situations. This is my dream, my motivation, I truly hope it can be realized!
Read on at your own risk (and hopefully our mutual reward).
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Welcome to my BLOG
I hope we can learn from each other. I am exercising my right to free speech, these are the facts as I see them. I have made an effort to keep them objective, but they may contain my point of view and they may not be liked by the various parties involved in this long protracted litigation.
Tough, the truth hurts. I have not revealed my identity because I don't wish to prolong the litigation. Don't bother guessing if I'm implicating you, if the shoe fits, wear it. But in this day, it's likely to fit a lot of people, so statistically I'm not likely to be your opposing party.
You may disagree, please do so agreeably. If you can't, start your own blog and post there.
Tough, the truth hurts. I have not revealed my identity because I don't wish to prolong the litigation. Don't bother guessing if I'm implicating you, if the shoe fits, wear it. But in this day, it's likely to fit a lot of people, so statistically I'm not likely to be your opposing party.
You may disagree, please do so agreeably. If you can't, start your own blog and post there.
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