Alec Baldwin's Book

Alec Baldwin wrote a book titled A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce based on his and three other men's experiences that will be released soon. This post is based on the excerpt released here. In my previous post I was quoting Alec in his ABC interview. Here in this post I am quoting from his book excerpt. Where emphasis is added it is my own, where indented comments appear that too is my response.

Alec's Book

"Because of the scope of the problem this book explores, the issues raised could never be fully articulated through my own case alone. Therefore I have chosen three men to share their own stories and perspectives. All of them have changed their names and the specifics of their identities. One of the subjects is an amalgam of different individuals' stories, including my own."

According to the excerpt the following topics are examined in his book:

• Prenuptial agreements
  
• The decision to file for divorce
• Divorce strategies and assessments for couples
  
• Selecting an attorney. Is word of mouth all its cracked up to be?
• Private mediation versus going to trial.
• Observations on judges, forensic accountants, custody evaluations and evaluators, collateral witnesses, child psychologists and other court appointed therapists.
• An examination of actual custody/ visitation strategies.
• The newly divorced parent's life and the hopeful prayer of constructive co-parenting.
  
• The political influences on current family law. How the political apparatus of lawyers, judges and feminist groups assault fatherhood and impact custody.

Alec mentions that his book covers the range of high to low profile and high to low asset divorces (no doubt because of his three contributors).

Alec's excerpt

I found myself nodding in agreement as I read each paragraph of the first half of the excerpt which discusses his feelings as he beat his head against the stone wall of the system. The second half is his personal story of how they met, married, then things went awry.

Alec describes the intense emotions, the need to vent to anyone who even brings it up, the toll of the intense emotions that finally leave you "spent" and "hollowed out".

This can not be good for a person, their health, their relationships (personal and professional), or their ability to contribute or be productive in society.

He goes on to describe the spent feeling and your thought that you just want to put this behind you.

I had always wondered how this widely spread injustice hasn't resulted in rioting in the streets, and I think Alec has hit on it. The injustice is so traumatic because it involves such basic needs as family, that almost like a post traumatic stress reaction, the victims are unable to fight back. Again, this is just a terrible thing to do to a person, with wide consequences.

"They "wrote off" not only their first marriages, but their children as well. Many went on to remarry. The chance to "make things right" meant starting another family." He went on to say that he could never understand this.

Actually Alec is contradicting himself. He admits that his anguish was so intense he contemplated suicide. I'd have say that is the ultimate "write off".

Before you criticize the people Alec is referring to, consider just how much anguish a person is going through to come to the point of "writing off" those they love or contemplating suicide. Hopefully no one who hasn't been through this can even imagine it.

"The problem lies not only with antagonistic lawyers who perpetuate conflict, but also with the judges who sit idly by and do nothing to rein them in."

Why would anyone in his right mind think the solution to a troubled marriage would be more antagonism? The problem is they have allowed greed to override their mind. The court takes a bad situation and makes it so much worse. But if the judges MANAGED the case and the lawyers tactics the situation could be improved.

Divorce court is as much a solution to a troubled marriage as gas is a solution to a fire. It makes it infinitely worse. (jqism)

"The truth is that we maintain a system in which destroying one's ex-spouse, not effectively resolving conflict, is the order of the day."

The reason for this is a very strong profit motive. This needs to be removed. We can no longer afford to reward bad behavior.

"As all divorce litigants should eventually realize, attacking the other party is not in anyone's interest, especially when children are involved."

How interesting that Alec understands this while Kim abuses it.

"Everyone knows little good ever comes out of our legal system, only varying degrees of bad."

I believe this is true, but I feel even stronger that this is exactly why they are in need of massive changes to bring their actions in line with their forgotten mission.

"I ignored the less than subtle message that tells non-custodial parents, especially fathers, to abandon such hopes and face the realities of this system. Walk away, we're told."

When the system gets too big for its britches it imposes its will on its victims as a demonstration of its power over them, rather than serving its constituents. This is clearly a system out of control, needing to be reeled in and get in touch with its true mission.

"I had a contentious divorce because I wanted a meaningful custody of my daughter."

This is exactly when a contentious divorce does the most damage and not coincidently is the most profitable to the divorce industry.

Status: Rough Draft - Last Updated 09/23/08 3 am