Another sleepless night, so many questions and no answers.
When do you admit defeat? How long do you delude yourself that hope exists? Can you really “change your stars” in real life, outside of a Hollywood movie? Do you fight to the death? Or give up and move on?
In the BIC, what damage is done by the child seeing your slow death verses getting it over with quickly by simple abandonment?
She was looking for a guy years ago, she’ll find one, so my son will get a step-dad who could give a shit, except for spending the child support money.
I told her out loud last night. “If she can’t give me reasonable time with my son for me to be a real father, then she might as well skip all visitation.” I’ve tried to make the best of a shitty situation and it’s still shitty. I don’t want to be a half-ass Father.
Maybe that is selfish. Maybe I’ve beat my head against the wall for too long. I’m sure I need some kind of relief. But the foe is relentless, and that is the point. It seems a shame to fight this long only to loose.
I might as well be dead. Oh, not by my hand. Stress kills and this is killing me, of that no one who knows me has any doubt.
I’ve learned a lot, I fought a good fight, but at some point you have to admit the obvious. Is it time? Or do I soldier on until death takes away the pain?
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9 comments:
NO!!!! it is NOT time to "admit defeat". Please don't give up. Know that your son will always know that his daddy tried and tried again to spend more and more time with him. Know that he will remember this and he will eventually hold your X responsible for it. Know that a child does not forget!! Please keep fighting for your child, he is soooooo worth it.
My heart hurts for you John.
Your mental health concerns me.
Maybe see your dr. and have a med for stress and anxiety prescribed?
It would be my guess that if you talked to your dr. he/she would see that you are a prime target for all kinds of medical problems.
Please consider this.
Karin, I see your point, but the discouraging thing is that I do not see this ending, ever, as long as she is alive.
Oh the divorce will be finalized, that's a court requirement. But the parenting plan is a non-plan that leaves every issue open for post-decree mediation.
jd, concerned, seen, considered, failed.
There is no way to live under this constant unrelenting pressure and not have it take it's toll.
As I said above, it will not end until one of us ends.
I would need a month in a monestary or a lobotomy to deal with this crap. My personality doesn't help, I am not ignorant so I am cursed with the ability to see what is wrong and have nearly an unlimited number of ieas about how to overcome it. But I am only one person and my efforts are growing futile against the entrenched machine, it appears there is nothing I can do about it. Ignorance truly is bliss, and I have seen to much and will not have bliss.
Oh there is a third choice, that the court will do the responsible thing and not allow itself to be used as a vehicle of torture. Let's be realistic, I'm a statistic, there are so many others in the same predicament or even worse.
We live in the dark ages of Family Law. One only hopes that the culprits will be held accountable.
Too late, I said things in frustration last night and the wheels are in motion to take away all visitation.
Point, Game, Match - to the system.
Oh JQ. That is not the news I was hoping to hear. I agree with Karin. Someday your son will be old enough to see the truth. I hope you can stop what you have started. Best of luck and stay strong my friend. Keep fighting the good fight.
I'm so sorry, John. Although I strongly agree with Karin, sometimes there comes a time when we just have to let go. It's a very difficult and personal decision to make, but sometimes it can turn out to be a wiser one. The cost of this court battle is not worth forfeiting your son's future education, as one example.
(Although this wasn't your idea, pity your stbx wife can't see past this)
The one thing that your son may be able to appreciate is the fight you had to be with him. He can read the blog himself at a later time. You really showed how much you put (and lost) into this terrible and needless fight.
My only regret is your retiring so late in the game, when a lot of mental and emotional energy have already been consumed.
Well they did an Ex-Parte evaluation without me (on purpose). They told me it would be 7pm and it was 4pm. They assured me I'd be notified and they did after it was over.
My lawyer advised me to chill out and not go, I had intended to go.
Now the Guardian (who has given me shit since I fired her friend) and opposing counsel will make motions to the court. I'll review the court's Ex-Parte rules to see if they can freeze me out of that too, although I remember one trick a lawyer showed me when I was Pro Se on a civil suit where you can prevent someone from timely notification.
Will have to go back to daily reviews of the online court docket.
An interesting day. I was told that the evaluation would be at 7pm. This is the same time as my weekly St. Ignatius Retreat (founder of the Jesuit order, learn to recognize Gods good on Earth).
The opposition parties pulled a stunt and held it at 4pm without telling me, so I was free at 7pm.
I attended the retreat, tonight's topics included "Hard Spiritual Desolation" the feeling that things are hopeless, that God has abandoned you and how to deal with it.
Certainly a very timely topic for me.
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