It’s close to Father’s Day, so it is important for the court declared winner to degrade the NCP (Non-Custodial Parent) and remove any traces of Fatherhood that may still exist. As I said the road to Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS) starts with being condemned as an NCP and then degrading the NCP until the very recognition as a parent is successfully removed.
First, my ex offered restricted visitation for Father’s day that was not compliant with the court order. It was a take it or leave it offer. I took it, how much do I want to pay for principal. The timing would be difficult also, it was done last minute to reduce my ability to get it heard by the court. What? Violate a court order, you can’t do that. Oh yes you can, don’t be naïve, it happens every day.
When my ex came to pick up my son, he had taken off his pants belt and was fooling around with it and the buckle broke. I looked at it and said, “Oh, I can fix this”. My ex started to make a big scene, demanding it back, she was going to take it to someone and pay them to fix it, rather than allowing the NCP to fix it for his son.
For PAS to work, it is important that the child not look up to the NCP. I could tell, from 15 years experience, the look in her eyes, the expression on her face that if I did not let her have her way, it would turn ugly very soon. When only one person cares for the child, they find themselves making sacrifices for the greater good. And if you complain about your compromise, you are viewed as petty. Even though the sum total of all these compromises is extremely unfair and damaging to the NCPs self esteem.
She no doubt, accurately predicted my response. I use anything as an opportunity for teaching. I would have shown my son how the buckle attached, I would explain what a rivet is and how a screw could be used instead. I would have drilled a new hole in buckle and attached it with a machine screw.
This also would be a Father/Son bonding opportunity. My Dad fixed my belt and showed me how. If you've never noticed, this kind of thing can be said with much pride and joy on a child's face. I believe this is important in a child's emotional development.
But anyone wanting to reserve their court ordered right to commit PAS on the NCP needs to interfere with Father/Son bonding and if you can do it just before Father’s Day, so much the better.
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8 comments:
Your ex wife really sounds like she needs to be on some kind of medication!! I guess you can take heart in knowing that as long as you keep trying to stay in your sons life one day he will realize the truth. I know that's not much solace right now while your missing him so much, I feel so bad for you but I feel worse for your son!!! no child should ever be put in the position she's putting him in!!
She stopped therapy and medication a year before she filed for divorce so that she could pretend that it wasn't an issue in her fitness as a parent.
Many times a parent speaks of their disappointment and pain as I have, but you are quite right the bigger damage is the child. I, as an adult, have a variety of coping methods, but the children don't.
And then the other problem is the child misses out on opportunities they never were aware of.
If I ran the court, shared parenting would be the default and this kind of crap would result in custody going to the other parent.
But today's court is very open to this type of unfair treatment.
The judge actually told me that I had a "good parenting plan" because it allowed for post decree mediation instead of litigation, even though my son's legal Guardian characterized it as "disgusting" because more restrictions were added to what she felt was plenty.
I am soooo sorry JQ, the word control freak perfectly describes your ex wifes hold on the situation.
Atleast you have here to vent, its not much but I am sure it helps you cope.
Thanks, Lara. Yes, control of everything. Control Freak could have been an alternate title.
Oh it does help vent, and its a sounding board, readers give me ideas, that this stress has blinded me to. So it is helpful.
There is the satisfaction of knowing, that rather than keeping this ugly little secret, its out there, for others to see, to learn from, and maybe to improve the system one day.
If we can make a change then the pain is not for nothing..
I can't help but wonder why the very women who claim to love their children do so much to leave holes in their hearts. Is it out of vindictiveness and sadism, an unyielding desire to make everyone suffer? Or is it out of some unwillingness to accept a way of life that doesn't suit them perfectly? Could it possibly be some horribly twisted notion of love?
On a less philosophical note, you could probably use her history of mental illness (she presumably took meds for a reason) as a weapon against her. I should know; I've been on meds for much of my life, and neglecting to take them can end many court battles quickly.
An Update: She bought him two new belts. OK fine. But it still would have been a unique lesson for my son to see how to fix something he broke and understand that things just don't replace themselves. But in her effort to control everything she wouldn't let that happen.
Anon, the love for our child is blinded by hate and bitterness for me. She needs to control me post divorce and our son is the simplest most effective way. That and her need to control things in general including my son's life.
PS: My email address is in my profile.
Her fitness as a parent, whoa baby, that is the Titanic hitting the Iceberg. This will be a couple of posts.
Oh yeah, I tried unsuccessfully to get several of her parenting flaws considered, but they were not. Why? Better lawyer and a very screwed up system.
In 45 scheduled court appearances including 10 days scheduled trial there was not a single bit of acceptable sworn evidence. The trial dates were "shadow", phony, informal, not following court rules, no court reporter, no guarantee of protections under the consitiution. What? Yeah! So it all came down to who could bullshit the judge better, now do I have to tell you who that was?
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