That's the catcher

The pitcher is the other way
You'll never hit the ball with your back to the pitcher...

People who know me IRL, know that I am not a sports nut at all, I know the rules, I watch games occasionally, but the only stats I can rattle off from memory under any conditions have to do with large systems computing. But I thought I'd take a stab at some sports metaphors just to be a little more mainstream. Tell me how you like it in the comments.

Regular readers will not find it surprising that I have more stories to tell about how lawyers just can't follow instructions. In grade school you learn to follow instructions. In business you follow instructions or you are shown the door. But in the legal field, steeped in ancient traditions dating back to when most of the population was illiterate and didn't know any better, these pompous assholes feel they have some God given right to do what ever the hell they please on your dime and you should be OK with it. By the way a lawyers dime is worth about $300/hour, so I'm betting most of you would stoop over to pick that one up with both hands full of groceries.

First what's the goal

The very first thing you want to do in any team project is agree on the goal. Here's their goal, this is mine, let's not try to run the wrong way. When swinging at The ball it helps to face the pitcher not the catcher. Sound ridiculous? Sure - because it is.

This is the client's life, the client's money, how can these lawyers just do whatever the hell they want with reckless abandon?

But they do... One reason is a severe conflict of interest... more on that is a future post.

Do we really agree

OK, once you get the asshole oriented in the right direction you need to keep him there. Like a little kid in a candy store with a sugar high, these jerks are going in every direction. Lawyer's are known for lying and skillfully manipulating words on the edge of truth, but as the paying client you have a right to expect more.

When a lawyer reaches an agreement with his client on a course of action, the client should expect that is what will happen unless the lawyer gets back to him about some problem implementing that course of action. It's fine for the lawyer to be reviewing the course, but he shouldn't spin the wheel without telling the client he changed course, especially when the results to the client will be changed.

But they do... because they think they know what is best and that you'll just have to live with it like all the stupid clients before you.

Practice Swings

I have lost track of all the various minor and major infractions over the last 2.5 years, there has been a bunch and sometime I'll go back and review them, but for today's post let me just start with three big ones that happened this year, three wild swings that hit me, the client, right up side the head.

Strike 1 - Release the money

The year started with a simple goal, my money has been held far too long, I'm going into foreclosure for the second time and I had enough assets to literally buy the house so for it to go into foreclosure is absolutely unacceptable.

After an argument, he agrees, he commits to bringing the issue up at a hearing with the judge and argue it to a decision. An argument, I'm paying the bills, I'm setting the priorities and I'm talking about loosing the house and you are worried about the opposing counsel's feelings, I think we have a serious gap here.

So as usual, I sit in the hall, while the learned one, goes into chambers to argue the intricacies of the law. After more than half a day he comes out, makes a motion with his hand, we're done. So how much money will be released? Oh I didn't bring that up! Why not.... Well that's another (dumb) story...

So I say, make good on this, get a hearing scheduled, no we'll wait, why? Well to schedule a hearing on this topic, he'll be asked why it didn't come up last time and then he'll have to admit that he went back on his agreement and put his client at financial risk. That would basically be admitting to malpractice, hell would freeze over first. So faced with the choice of admitting a mistake and correcting it or risking it will blow up, he chose the latter.

I'm screwed... So what happened, was it a reasonable risk? Hell no! I held things together between the creditors as best I could, but one wanted to play hard ball. I offered proof that a release was forthcoming, I offered proof that the funds were available and would have been under my control had it not been for the hired bitch. No, No, No, we'll see your ass in court. I said look, the lawyers are gonna take it all, you go to court and I'll have nothing left by time you get a date scheduled. Don't care, we'll find something, we'll take your house. Nice people, think of a big bank that begins with C and ends in E. So that's where I'll be on 9/5. My lawyer lost the bet and I'm the one in court.

Strike 2 - Discover the Fees

This is a giant problem, I can write several posts about not only how your own lawyer can screw you with unauthorized fees but how the opposition can screw you with made up fees. For the purposes of this strike, I, as the person with a better ability to pay (yep the guy, or for you more successful females, that's YOU), I will be obligated to pay the opposition fees for the privilege of the hired butch making my life miserable.

So what are we talking about, I nag and nag my lawyer to get the hired bitch's fee through formal discovery since she isn't cooperating and my wife claims she never gets an invoice (first sign of very serious trouble). So he gets something, claims to get a $30K reduction and all seems well.

OK let's see that in writing, didn't we all learn that in grade school? Delays, not a good sign, some tap dancing going on. I finally get it, first the creative book keeping was stellar, but then there are columns cut off, with the fee per specialty (senior, junior, paralegal) and the actual charge. So no total charge, no court transcript documenting the judges agreement, no AJE.

I'm screwed... Normally when the case is over you have to settle up, or in my case, they wouldn't allow the case to end until the funds were seized. But the hired bitch had an ace up her sleeve the QDRO that was going to release more of my funds to my wife that she could attach. So what did she do, she held up the QDRO with the intent to see how I would recover financially. If I do well she will aggressively sue on my ex's behalf for alimony while her invoice is still "fluid". This exposes me to an undue risk after the divorce should be final. And it's not for my ex or my son its for lawyers, as if I haven't contributed enough. If her invoice was finalized and settled (as bar ethics dictate) and my ex retained her to come back at me for alimony you can bet her fight would not be one tenth as aggressive as it would be when she stood to seize the alimony for back fees. Evil? Abuse? Absolutely!

Strike 3 - File a Motion

When the court order for release of funds (QDRO) was still incomplete 2 months after the final decree ordered it and 4 months after I had seen a nearly final draft, I started becoming at risk for the non-payment of debt that went to my ex along with this release of funds. I posted on the dual standard where my lawyer said I would be held in contempt if it was not done in a timely manner and then he sent a kiss ass letter to the hired bitch... So I nagged him and finally when the pressure from the creditor became extreme and a new lawsuit was looming, I called him and firmly said that a motion to show cause, request for sanctions and attorney's fees must be made to force the court ordered action of the hired bitch.

He agreed, but he never did it. Why? They only play hard ball with clients, not their cherished brethren lawyers.

I'm screwed... so after after six months I finally get the QDRO agreement releasing $60,000 for my review and approval. After 2 days, the hired bitch faxes a 24 hour ultimatum to my lawyer who sends it to me at the end of the next day. What did she do to me after 3 days, same thing I asked my lawyer to do to her after 5 months - file a motion to show cause, request for sanctions and attorney's fees.

Strike 3 - Your out mother fucker

I leave messages for my lawyers, what are you doing about this mess, no response, guess they are celebrating a long holiday weekend, which is fine if you are ready for Wednesday. This is just too much unenjoyable screwing.

You're gonna get screwed... I haven't fought this long and this hard to just roll over and give up. As Sir William Thatcher said, "It is not in my nature". And on the occasions I feel I can't go on, I have lot's of people (who I value) to remind me that. Remind me to seek calm, clarity, focus, renewal, breathe, and then go out and do battle. I did not choose this course, it was foist upon me and I will not stand staring at the bat that has appeared in my hand, I will summon all my strength and swing and when I connect it will be out of the park.

Plan B and C and D

I contacted a very strong trial attorney who handles divorce and criminal defense. I saw him in action when I was on jury duty last year. He is impressive in the County Superior Court, he argues to a jury, on life and death criminal charges, he can rip a witness apart on the stand, not the game of footsey practiced in the Kangeroo Kourt of Domestic Relations (no offense to my Aussie friends lol).

I have already reviewed my case with a legal firm specializing in financial disagreements.

And I will clean up this post and put it into a form of legal malpractice and name my lawyers and opposition counsel as co-defendants with contributory negligence.

Moral of the story

Lawyers must be managed and even then they are dangerous. (jqism)
Lawyers do not want to be managed and will resist vigorously (jqism)
Lawyers should never be invited into a marriage, three or four is a crowd. (jqism)

T-1 Day

One day before I am due in court over the strike 1 issue and my pussy lawyer has been mum, MIA. My college buddies (both genders) want to see me for lunch, don't see them much. What do I do? Spend more time on legal bullshit that has already stolen 2 years of my life or live my life?

Both! As best I could. I get ready to see my friends and while driving I called the pussy. He was in rare form, a bitch, obnoxious and full of self righteous indignation, he is ESQ and I am not. Well la de fuckin da, these assholes are displaced persons, they belong in the dark ages of serfs and royalty, back when people accepted the restrictions of their birthright, before they realized that in a free society a man can truly "change his stars" (another reference to that movie).

So what does pussy want to talk about first prior to my ass being in court tomorrow? He wants to talk about strike 3, he wants to satisfy the hired bitch before saving my ass from his fuckup in Strike 1. Can you believe it? I couldn't, so while driving I reached for my tape recorder and turned it on while I left him on speaker phone and had him repeat it. Then he danced on strike 3 and totally ignored strike 1. I said look, she screwed around with the QDRO and I have bigger fish to fry, she was the 5 month delay and you both are hassling me in 5 days, get back to me in 5 months if you want to complain, otherwise that is the end of the topic. Now about tomorrow!

He doesn't know, the senior partner is handling it. Well that's good because the pussy is just not cutting anything. And although I got my usual monthly invoice with his divorce hours, yeah three months after final decree with no hearings and no conversations. But there were no hours for the credit lawsuit even though he described actions of the senior partner. This has two major advantages, first the senior partner is senior for a reason and it shows, and second it appears as a tacit admission that the pussy screwed up and the firm feels responsible. The other alternative explanation that they are being a nice guy cause I was their biggest customer and they bankrupt me is so implossible that I'd believe little Martians are living in my backyard shed first.

The aftermath

Things went fairly good all things considered...

The court hearing was quick and went OK... In fact it went so quick that I missed it. Downtown traffic and parking are just too variable so I arrived to the 21st floor courtroom 15 minutes late, just in time to see the senior partner leaving. Guess who called, concerned, and slowed me down getting to court on time. A sweet, sincere sounding voice on the phone, to wish me luck. My ex! Can ya believe it. Jeckyl and Hyde in real life. I didn't marry a bitch, I'm no dummy. I just didn't probe the depths of her multiple personalities to see the stowaway. WIWL.

The next hearing is scheduled for Dec 5, pre trial is scheduled in March 2008. This is the superior county court, with an even higher case load, so a trial will probably not take place until 2009, maybe even 2010. This court handles all civil suits in the metro area and all felony criminal cases. Our municipal courts only handle small claims, traffic and misdemeanors. I talked to one of the two dozen sitting judges while on jury duty and the case volume makes the domestic relations court look trivial.

I'm no where near out of the woods, the major bank is threatening to foreclose (4th attempt) on my home even though they are an unsecured debt (not a mortgage holder), this will take more time in court as they will have to compete with the primary and secondary mortgage holders of record...

Meanwhile the creditors who worked with me and participated in the divorce settlement will be paid in full with no write offs by the end of the year. How? By competing with the other lawyers over the spoils of the financial divorce bloodbath. And who's idea was that, the greedy lawyers? Fuck No! Mine, because for 30 years of my adult life I have never stiffed anyone and just because these greedy bastards thought they should be first in line for everything doesn't mean I had to play their game.

The junior lawyer (and his predecessors) saw me as an impediment to their achieving their own agenda. The senior partner appreciates my idealism and has the confidence to not feel threatened by my challenges. In that way we are similar.

After leaving court, instead of taking my usual 80 mph 20 minute sterile freeway commute home, I took the scenic route and added 3 hours to my ride home via a slow drive along the lake front, stopping to get out and walk the water front. I didn't smell any roses, but I did "Take Time" to listen to the lake.

Status: Finalized on - 09/06/07 5:00 am
Note: comments contain significant new material

Musical inspiration by Sixx A.M. "Life is Beautiful" from "The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack"
"There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home ... When you've lost it all, that's when you finally realize that life is beautiful"