I-N-T-E-N-S-E

Wow, that was intense.

My lawyer is good, lot's of credentials, but now I know why he is partner, rather than senior partner. Plan A was OK until the opposition took out some teeth. It would be simpler to concede and move on, but completely ineffective, it depends on good will which has been absent to date.

So the senior partner goes to work on me, get it over with now, it will be better for everybody, Plan A does that. I respond, but it won't be over, there's no good will. Look at these events. Back and forth we go, OK, he understands that Plan A won't work, let's define Plan B carefully, what should it be? Back and forth we go, negotiating, defining, then we agree. He shows me some holes in my Plan B, he shows me some addons in his Plan B. He ties the plan tightly to the root goals.

Now I've had decades of experience in negotiating quarter million dollar computer contracts, in focus groups, planning sessions, etc., but this guy was impressive. Finding common ground, finding the root requirement, and then a creative way to meet it. This is not your typical divorce firm, they are the premier collaborative law firm in the area. Collaborative law seeks a solution, meeting on common ground, traditional (adversarial) law seeks the opposition on opposite ground. It's no accident I chose them. Although it was a very pleasant surprise to see just how good this senior partner is and that he is putting his full weight behind my case.

After 70 minutes of intense discussion, I was spent, so I stopped off at a diner and had a slow recuperative brunch. So I am satisfied that this is moving forward in a direction that will benefit my son and myself.

Status: First Draft

Won't budge

As I introduced in my "I'm in Shock" post earlier this week. Opposing counsel tried to pull a last minute sabotage.

Well I got word Friday morning, she's not budging, her big brass balls are intact. In fact she even figured a nice lie on how to sell her sabotage.

OK, bitch, now I'm pullin out the stops. Plan A + B.

So talking to my lawyer Friday afternoon, he guessed part of Plan B, he's pretty smart (as lawyers go) that's why he isn't fired. Bring in the senior partners, throw the whole firm behind this.

That will be the unexpected curve ball that the one trick pony will be challenged by.

Ah, but even the senior partner was surprised and impressed as I laid out the rest of Plan B. We'll be adding some heat to that curve ball.

There are no guarantees, I know. But this effort will not have failed for lack of principles or by playing someone else's rigged game.

PS: No offense meant to females in general by my language, just the two involved.

Sense of timing

My wife has a perverse sense of timing. It is way beyond coincidence.

Here are some examples (no, it is not a complete list)

• Ask for a divorce for Valentine's Day
• Files for divorce on April Fool's Day
• Subpoena day before Father's Day
• Object to Christmas Visitation the day before Christmas Eve
• Sabotage the final Parenting Plan the week of (both) my Birthday and Thanksgiving

Accident, I think not.

For this year's Thanksgiving, she has hussled my son out of town for the entire long weekend.

Ah, but what do they say about those who live by the sword ?

See this has given me extra time. Time she hopes will punish me, sitting lonely in my four walls to dwell on my undeserved punishment.

Well, I have news for her...

First, knowing her intention to ruin the holiday, as she did last year, I prepared a simple Father & Son Thanksgiving before she could get him out of town. Simple but traditional meal of Turkey, Stuffing, Gravy, Cranberry so he could enjoy a celebration with me.

Second, my extended family invited me to a large celebration on that day.

When my son contacted me by cell phone on Thanksgiving evening, my caller ID showed he was in the care of my 13 year old niece who is much more interested in boys twice my son's age. Where was my wife, busy? She was no where near my son.

Third, despite the toll this has taken on me, my mind remains sharp and up to her games. More importantly up to the legal challenges as you'll see in my next post.

Child Support to the Dead

Many of you have talked about how unbelievable certain situations are. It amazes me when I find situations that are even worse. But it offers no solace that my situation isn't the worst, it makes me disgusted that this system is allowed to exist.

Would you believe that if your ex-wife dies and you have the children full time that you still continue paying support to your dead ex and pay a lawyer and wait to get a court date before you can stop paying? Sound nuts? It is !

Well check this out...
The Angry Dad: Paying a dead ex-wife
From: Ohio news

Chances are the money will not be refunded and will go to her estate and her benefactors which are not likely to be her ex or even her minor children. Probably she has no will at that young age and it will be consumed in probate.

I heard a similar story of a wife who was arrested & jailed for drugs, the ex had the kids, kept getting support taken out of his pay and had to pay a lawyer to get it fixed.

This is certainly a system gone mad. Oh, just stop paying you might suggest. Ah but then the enforcement kicks in, seized funds, lost driver's license, etc.

A Loose-Loose-Loose proposition.

This system is broken. It must be fixed, ASAP!

Thanks for Children

My youngest Uncle is the family spammer, but no big deal a couple of filters route his stuff to his own mailbox. But every now and then he forwards a real gem, so here it is:

Some people complain about the cost and trouble of raising children. In a divorce it can be even worse. But there are some advantages...

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite. You get -

• Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
• Glimpses of God every day.
• Giggles under the covers every night.
• More love than your heart can hold.
• Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
• Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
• A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
• A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
• Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

You never have to grow up. You get to:

• finger-paint,
• carve pumpkins,
• play hide-and-seek,
• catch lightning bugs, and
• never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:

• keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
• watching Saturday morning cartoons,
• going to Disney movies,
  
• wishing on stars,
• to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets,
  
• to collect spray painted noodle wreaths, hand prints set in clay, and cards with backward letters.

There is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:

• retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
• taking the training wheels off a bike,
• removing a splinter,
• filling a wading pool,
• coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
  
• coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:

• first step,
• first word,
• first date, and
• first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.

You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, So one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!

Thanksgiving Shoutout

Well let's see, I guess in somewhat chronological order.

• Ancestors & Grandparents - who went through various hardships to immigrate to the US. Including multiple crossings, getting separated by WW I, learning English and successfully establishing themselves in the US.
• Parents - Certainly it was easy to critics various aspects of growing up, but they worked very hard despite significant challenges to remain a stable family and improve the odds for my brother and I, allowing us to be college educated and in professional careers. I owe them a big apology as I apparently have failed in meeting those two goals for my own son, despite my best laid plans and preparation.
• Work opportunities - thanks to those that saw my enthusiastic and gave me opportunities to do more in any 5 year period than some might do in a whole career.
• Thanks for the influence of my Uncle and Cousin who were taken from this Earth way too early, we could have had so much to share in these intervening years.
  
• Thanks to all those I've met along the way.
• Thanks for the wonderful travel opportunities I have had, throughout the United States and Europe, the people I've met and the fun I've had.
• Thanks for the wonderful opportunity to find and meet my overseas relatives and exchange so much about our respective families an ocean apart.
  
• My brother (and his family) who was so helpful during the first week of my son's kidnapping.
  
• My older long distance cousin who has been so much help since early in the divorce.
• Thanks to my recent off-shift buddies who understood my scheduling needs and switched shifts with minimum fuss, even though our supervisor had a problem with it where none existed.
• Thanks to my new divorce support friends and my online Blog friends.
  
• And such a special thanks for my son who is truly an ever changing miracle, I am so sorry about this mess and it's effect on you. If there was a way to undo it I would.
• And of course, Thank God, for all I have been given and helping me through so many difficult times in my life.
  

I'm in shock

I was pissed going in...

Then I get the first surprise, a bunch of updates from the opposition. OK, I get through them, PITA (pain in the ass). I just wonder why you didn't give them to me en masse instead of going page by page. Half the time it seemed like I was helping him write the wording.

But he saved the "best" for last. My lawyer says, Oh they want to make some other changes I don't agree with.

• Completely remove the binding nature of the mediation.
  
• Have all mediation costs go to me.
  

Well non-binding mediation only works with those who are reasonable. Binding mediation would be quick, cheap, and not likely to be overturned in court. The fee structure was fair.

So I ask ---- WTF ?

That completely defeats the whole purpose. That takes us back to square one. What's the story? He asks, Well is that a deal breaker for you? WTF again! I ask, What do you think? Well I want to be sure we're on the same page. Well I want to know what kind of bulls--t stunt this is and what makes her think she can get away with it.

Well more things were said, but this strategy must remain completely confidential. I don't want the problems that SolarisGal or Shattered had with the opposition reading their Blog. I can't risk that the pit-bull bitch getting any wind of the f--kin atomic bomb we have planned for her and her big brass balls. In fact I even have a plan B, I've been workin on that I won't even share with my own lawyer. When the plan goes public, I'll post it here, but it shows just how terrible this system is.

After that blow, I got home. I had three court documents in my mailbox. My f--kin mailbox, I so hate to look at my mail, or my driveway to see if the sheriff is there serving another helping of my wife's harassment. I don't answer my phone until I check caller ID, unknown caller never gets answered. I don't answer my door until I look out the window to see who's in the driveway. One time the bitch served me while my son was over, wasn't that exciting.

My son's coming today, throw the court documents in a drawer, unopened.

One time my wife's lawyer tried to get an order to forcibly enter my home to seize documents. She proceeded as if the order was granted, it wasn't. I have an order baring litigants from "entering upon lands". I have it posted on my garage, By Order of the County Court Vol nnnn Page nnnn.

In the mean time, will an initial bluff work, waiting for the battle cry, waiting for the bomb to drop, I am in a self protective shock. The calm before the storm. Will it work, will it be finished? Can't ruminate, can't worry, have faith, have strength, be ready, be strong, God help me, please.

When I got home Tue afternoon, I only had 30 minutes to quiet my mind, before my son would get off the bus. Push all the shit out, switch gears. OK, I'm ready, go next door where his bus stops.

My son shows me his Turkey project from school. Get his homework out of the way, he was cooperative today, he knows it, he breezed right through it. He was still in school mode, making up quizzes for me. Some drawing, playing with a digital camera. He's getting over a cold, we stayed in, talked to him about the differences in throwing a football with "spiral" pass. Dinner and it's almost time to go.

After he left, it caught up with me, just collapsed, fell asleep for 3 hours. Woke up, needed to do some shopping. This process has all the stress of a heavy workout with none of the benefits.

Status: First Draft

I am so F--kin Pissed

This is so much BullS--t!

Only hours from the ultimatum and I've been up a good part of the night. I still see very sloppy errors in this Parenting Plan.

Well I am not having this thing rammed down my throat, they can all kiss my ass.

You will need a little background here. Screw being nice. Let me give you some dirt.

My Wife

My wife is the sort to hold very long term grudges, well beyond what anyone would consider healthy. As a teenager, her father made an unpopular decision and moved from a home she apparently loved, and I mean loved. Her reaction, decades later, she talked of an intense hate for her father over that decision. She talked of her need to make sure he knew how terrible he was before he died.

Silly me, I counseled her on this obsession. I told her that hate would only eat her up, that her father, if he actually understood her, would be amused. That he just would never understand how bad he was (mainly because he's a real mean a--hole, I should have gotten to know him better before marrying her, and realized that she does have his genes). I've seen him harass his daughter-in-law to the point of tears, and she's a strong willed woman (nurse) just not prone to that kind of emotion. I actually think she transferred some of her hate for him to me.

She is the type who can not be satisfied. Through out this divorce, ever increasing demands have been made of me. I have conceded to many of them or negotiated some common ground. But the pattern is clear to anyone, meet the goals, raise the bar, repeat.

I have told everyone, she needs help. This case can not be resolved as long as the bar continually rises. She'll never be happy unless she is in complete control. She would be the type of person to kill someone then bring them back to kill them again.

Her Lawyer

My wife's lawyer is a snake, no it's not that I don't like her nor am I making a figurative slur. No this women can tip toe on the line of the law like a well trained ballerina, except at her age and occupation she is not anywhere near as fit. Many people who know her secretly joke that she has a bigger pair of brass balls than any man in court. She is famous throughout the state.

One of her skills of course is deception and reneging on agreements. Last fall my lawyer negotiated an increase in visitation from 4 to 8 hours on school days off (no weekends). My lawyer (18 years in divorce court) was very proud of this accomplishment against such an adversary. Since my wife's lawyer made the motion for parenting time allocation first, she was controlling the motion. I asked repeatedly that a motion be filed on my behalf but that was deemed redundant. Talking about calling the kettle black, lawyers are the very definition of redundant. I was in the hall when her lawyer told mine she would journalize the new visitation hours.

She never did, my lawyer never followed up. After six months of having just a few school days here and there extended. At 10:30 pm before Spring Break I was told by my wife that she was advised to revert from 8 hours to 4 hours. I fought this ever since then, all through the (second) summer I got half the time. I fired that lawyer, demanded a Pro Se appearance, and protested directly to the trial judge. But they all stick together and they'd move Heaven and Earth not to admit their own mistake.

Progress Since April 2006

So we have discussed the intent and spirit of this parenting plan and the justification for me to make so many concessions. If this year taught me anything it has been forget intent get it in writing.

Two very important foundations of this plan are binding mediation required before post decree court action and the parenting time allocation. Well after my own lawyers indignant response to my questions on this and many hours of review of Revised Code and cross referencing all clauses in the 30+ page agreement I saw that

• Binding Mediation could be bypassed.
• The 50/50 Christmas Break visitation was negated by careless merging of sole custody and shared custody plan clauses.
• My visitation was actually shortened by 30 min per day.

My lawyer, as many do, takes this all in stride, no big deal, they violate the intent, take em back to court. Look A--Hole, maybe you chose to live your life in court, but I didn't, not at your rates. After almost two years, it isn't F--Kin fun anymore. Stop the F--Kin ride, I want to get off before I puke. Now I'm not one to shy away from a business fight or even a personal attack, but this involves my son and it is just an obscene abuse of an innocent child. Plain and simple and there isn't enough sugar in the world to coat that turd to make it taste any better than the shit that it is.

So What Happened

I was nice, I said I didn't see the clause. He said, so you're an expert. I thought so you're an insecure neurotic? Just save the ego and point out the clause. Well it isn't there. I insisted, it must be. Oh yeah he says as if it's no big deal. It is a big deal, the 30 pages are worthless if it has to go to court for every little BS prank she tries. What is so F--Kin hard to understand, if the intent is X, then write X. Geez.

He asks am I still your lawyer, we had a big disagreement. I responded well that happens between people sometimes. He wanted a yes or no, I'm pissed, I didn't give him a yes or no.

He starts complaining about how long this is taking. I said well let's stop complaining about that, every concern I have brought is valid. Opposing counsel is in control, take it back. [Stand up, be a man, don't tell me her balls are bigger than yours]. You need to meet the goal we agreed on, unfettered access to my son. I have made the concessions that you've asked. [But we have not met that goal, JUST DO IT].

So half way through he's looking at his watch, his computer is getting a ring tone for incoming email, his intercom buzzes, his Treo keeps makin some kind of noise and people are doing sign language through his window. He says we need to finish this today so I can sign it.

I look at him and I said in a very firm and confident voice. "That is not happening, it's not the way I do things". We can finish reviewing it, you give me a final draft, and I'll get back to you. [Tell me, who makes a 15 year deal without reading the updated agreement, a naive idiot].

I could tell he was pissed. It's not just you I'm dealing with, he says, I've got six others. I start to write down, Plaintiff, Custody Eval, GAL, Judge, [that's only 4] I stop writing and look up at him puzzled. [Don't exagerate, we're all under stress] He says never mind. [Hey you signed up for this stressed out job.]

I told him, look I'm not having fun with this either. I'm just sticking to the original goal. I haven't raised the bar, I haven't made new demands. I'm reasonable, you need to take this up with the opposition. He's looking like a vein will pop. I said, hey get help, make the others take a stand. [Damn this shouldn't be about ego, just meet the goal].

My wife wants to restrict my driving because of a sleep disorder which has been under control for three years. She has a night blindness / panic problem and frequently drives our son over 60 highway miles to her family's home. I asked that she should have her long distance driving restricted to daylight hours. He asks is that a deal breaker? Well you propose it and tell me the response or remove all the driving restrictions, I'll take either. They won't agree to no restrictions for you nor restrictions for her, so is it a deal breaker? Why, what reason? No reason.

I said look, I'm not deciding something without a reason. I'll tell you what, tell the Guardian that she often drives my son 60 miles on a limited access highway and when it is dark she will panic and say she can't see the road ahead. There is heavy truck traffic and few exits. When we were together and I was fatigued, this would wake me up and scare the living shit out of me, my adrenalin would be pumping because we're going 70 mph and the driver next to me says she can't see the road. So ask the Guardian what her opinion is of the best interest of the child. OK?

Tell me, is that so f--kin hard? Why do I need a lawyer? I know what needs to be done and how to do it. I'm just too frustrated and impatient to play their damn stupid little games.

Am I being unreasonable? Tell me, please.

Next

Well it wouldn't be my case if something major didn't happen at the end of the day. I thought I was pissed going in, oh there was something much worse in store. That will be the next post.

But in the midst of this serious challenge I am going to make an effort to find inspiration in Don Henley's words and remember that my perseverance through challenges have molded me into who I am.

I will also try to take solace in the faith that God has put me on a path for a reason that only HE understands and that HE wouldn't put me here if HE didn't think I could handle it.


Status: First Draft, updated Wed 11/22 5 am.

Watching music videos
U2 and Green day - The Saints Are Coming,
the song for the many cheaters out there - Pink - U + UR Hand
and a bunch of others

Thanksgiving

When we go through pain, it is so hard to maintain perspective.

May we all take a lesson from Don Henley...

Listen to it at:

Windows Media
Real Audio

My Thanksgiving from his album Inside Job

(Don Henley/Stan Lynch/Jai Winding)

A lot of things have happened
Since the last time we spoke
Some of them are funny
Some of em ain't no joke
And I trust you will forgive me
If I lay it on the line
I always thought you were a friend of mine

Sometimes I think about you
I wonder how you're doing now
And what you're going through

The last time I saw you
We were playing with fire
We were loaded with passion
And a burning desire
For every breath, for every day of living
And this is my thanksgiving

Now the trouble with you and me, my friend
Is the trouble with this nation
Too many blessings, too little appreciation
And I know that kind of notion well, it just ain't cool
So send me back to sunday school
Because I'm tired of waiting for reason to arrive
Its too long we've been living
These unexamined lives

I've got great expectations
I've got family and friends
I've got satisfying work
I've got a back that bends
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my thanksgiving

Have you noticed that an angry man
Can only get so far
Until he reconciles the way he thinks things ought to be
With the way things are

Here in this fragmented world, I still believe
In learning how to give love, and how to receive it
And I would not be among those who abuse this privilege
Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge

And I don't mind saying that I still love it all
I wallowed in the springtime
Now I'm welcoming the fall
For every moment of joy
Every hour of fear
For every winding road that brought me here
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my thanksgiving

For everyone who helped me start
And for everything that broke my heart
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my thanksgiving

Copyright © Don Henley

Best wishes and may we all see past our current circumstances and find our own thanksgiving...

Birthday

Good time with my brother, great dinner, lot's of time to talk.

My son was very excited about my birthday. He topped a cake with his matchbook bulldozer and various sized & colored rocks (chocolate like M&Ms) looked cool. He had some thoughtful gifts he picked out. We had some good fun.

Time flies by. Just wish she'd let up with her BS.

Back to the grind, only one more day before the Lose-Lose-F--Kin-Lose Ultimatum.

Ultimatum

Faxed my lawyer my concerns over latest draft & called him. You want me to read this or is it a rant. Well I'm not in a habit of sending you things I don't want you to read, believe me I have other outlets for a ranting and that's lucky for you.

Well we've discussed this before, there's no room for negotiation. Well I think siting a revised code section on terminating the agreement under a heading labeled modification when there is another heading labeled good faith is the height of hypocrisy. He tried to respond but he mispronounced, choked up on some form of the word hypocrite.

Imagine that, a lawyer who can't spit out the word hypocrite. I wonder why?

Well on Tuesday you're either going to sign the damn thing or litigate (another $100K for phase III full trial). One or the other before you leave.

Well I missed two calls on my cell phone and I could tell they were from my wife. Her ringtone is "Don't Phunk with my Heart" by the "Blackeyed Peas". I glanced at the clock, it was almost time for my son to get out of school.

So here's my wife trying to reach me, I'm figuring there's some problem picking him up, and my lawyer giving me her crap on the other line.

I was pissed. I said "I don't like ultimatums" and I hung up, and called my wife.

You know what she wanted? To tell me she forgot some plans she had for our son, so he'd be to my place two hours later on my decade birthday.

Wow, good faith. Can't even behave until I sign the damn slanted agreement.

When my lawyer called back, I told him what she wanted. I told him for the last 40 years she's done what she wanted and she'll do it for the next 40 years, so this piece of paper isn't good for anything more than ass wipe.

I'm loosing my patience. It's not right for my son and everyone knows it, but they have their head so far up their ass, playing their game the way they always do.

Wrecking lives and moving on.

Check the comments, I may post more.

Call Backs

Want a call back from your lawyer, don't hold your breath.

But when the lawyer calls you... Well certainly you want to drop everything. They, the exalted ones, are worthy of being the most important thing in your life.

But what if you already know, he's just calling to get me to sign my son's life away on this BS "Parenting Plan" because he can't get the bitch to budge. Well, I'd like badly for all this to go away, but I don't want it to go away badly. See the pun, the important difference.

So he pulls this, "Call me back, I'm concerned about you, when you don't call back". Oh yeah, I bet you were up all night pacing the damn floors, like me, sure. If you were, drop on over, you know where I live.

Well I've got news for you... You are just a paid employee, I despise your business, I tolerate your presence by court order. That's right, I was ordered not to represent myself. It's a little more complicated than that, so as to keep a little toe over the line of legality, more details later. You aren't my friend, you aren't my relative.

So, I'll treat you professionally, but realize that I too, am busy, I am researching legal issues you gave up on, I am making plans with my son for my big decade birthday (go ahead and guess), I am negotiating with my wife for holiday time with my son. So signing an agreement that already is being violated just isn't number one on my list, just as I'm not number one on your list.

I know it's all about appearances while in court, but do me a big favor, drop the pretenses between us, because I can't live in this virtual legal cesspool for long without coming up for air once in a while.

So cut the shit, you presumably are concerned about me, you want to show it, get me my son. Anything else, I don't want to discuss. Call me when you have something about what's important, otherwise work on what's important.

Am I impatient, damn straight you would be too after two years of this torture.

Note: This started as an update to a draft of my Do As I Say Not As I Do post but it made that post too long and it is so important to me that I thought it should stand alone, even though it fits in that category.

PS: In the interest of full disclosure, this lawyer has been better than most on the pretences between us, except for this parenting agreement. Which just shows how bad it is.

Oh, BTW

On the subject of legal nuttiness...

One of the very first and major complaints of the Parenting Plan document was that the structure was so screwed up that a modification clause that was intended to apply to the whole document strongly implied a limited scope to only one subsection.

Well, this latest nth revision properly renumbers the document, removes information that would have violated privacy laws, refers to it properly, BUT...

the original problem is still there....

How whack is that? How could you correct everything else but the original problem.

Well, actually I didn't want the clause anyway, so here is my annotation:

" Still incorrect placement and numbering, but leave it here to create future ambiguity and thereby a valid future argument for equality. This clause is mislabled, it has to do with terminating agreement. Apparently Plaintiff is entering into this agreement in bad faith and already setting up an easy exit. This contradicts Exhibit A Section XX(n) which requires Good Faith from both parties. "

It was either this or "Hey idiots..."

Better yet, how could you be so careless and expect to be paid hundreds of dollars per hour. Well that's our screwed up Domestic Relations system.

Micromanaged Visitation

In a hypocritical effort to play the game and also to appease my son's constant requests to see me, my wife sometimes lets me have some extra time with my son. But she plans it out, so it's not really free time, it seems more like an arranged date.

For example, I'll drop him off at this resturant and then you can take him to this movie and then I'll pick him up in front of the theatre 10 minutes after it should be over. We weren't in the resturant long before she called to tell me what she thought my son should order. I expected her to call me in the theatre for more advice on what I should get at the snack bar.

I guess since she's not organizing my life all the time she is filling that gap by micromanaging my son's life. And this is what really bothers me. Oh does it bother me. I wish I could turn back time to when I was putting up with her BS. I'm an an adult, at least I can defend myself.

Out with my son

I was out to lunch and a movie with my son. He was looking all over the restaurant. They had a saddle and the stirrup looked funny.

He said Daddy that isn't right, he looked at the other side & discovered the problem. The belt holding the stirrup was fastened the wrong way onto the saddle and so the leg pad slid down next to the stirrup, the fastener needed to be moved up.

He said, we have to tell someone. The manager had come by our table earlier, so we found him and my son explained it to him. The manager was kind of surprised.

He's really fun to watch sometimes. Another joy to add to the list.

Needed a break

Well after going through the Parenting Plan for the nth time time (I've actually lost count), I just needed a break. I'm sittin in my place, eyes blurring out over the screen with all this legal crap. So what am I gonna do at the last minute on a Friday night.

I was going to go out & see a band, didn't have time to check them out. So I figured I'd see a movie. Went there, lot's of couples trying to decide. I walked up and said, one ticket for Babel. The chick said, what, how many? I looked at her and said, I'm going stag tonight dear, just one, she smiled and said have a nice time. It was an interesting movie. Engaging. Much better than sitting around stewing about my problems.

Gotta follow my own advice. Little positive steps. They add up.

Fond Farewell

Just wanted to bid a fond farewell to two favorite Bloggers on my Blogroll.

We're all happy that Shattered was able to reconcile and we all wish her well.

Recent emails with SolarisGal indicate she is doing very well despite her husbands foolish decision to move forward with the divorce. Why her husband and mistress feel a need to harass Solaris is beyond all reason. They both need to reflect on why they can't let her be. We'll miss SolarisGal's Blog.

I'd like to thank them both for their support. They are always welcome here as readers/commenters or can email me directly.

Do as I say, not as I do

Have you ever heard this from
your parents when they were frustrated?
Have you ever said this to
your children in frustration?
(I hope not).
When was the last time you heard it?

Do you expect to hear it from your $300 an employee?

Probably not. Well he didn't exactly say that, but he might as well have. Why the hell do these lawyers think they're such hot shit? Do they think their crap doesn't smell? I don't think I've met one yet that wasn't full of himself, full of, er, ... well yeah, that four letter word - shit.

Authors Note: [Words in brackets are my thoughts not my/his words].
Come on you don't think someone would say that out loud!

Parenting Plan Document

Since I work in the computer industry (the industry, not diddlly PCs, more on my large system bias on another Blog), I'm in the habit of asking for everything "machine readable". So my lawyer hesitates, well you can't just edit it, how will we know? [Duh], mark revisions or compare document.

No, [we're lawyers, we haven't joined the 20th century] we mark in the margins [must be why all legal documents are double spaced], so the updates are clearly visible. I said, fine, just send it [bitch you work for me, at such high rates why can't simple stuff be done, it is so aggravating] [PS: Actually I'm wrong and that's why it is so frustrating, see the lawyers really don't work for their clients, they work for the courts or themselves, but the client is just the financier, when you understand this truth, things make better sense]. My handwriting sucks and they don't make typewriters any more, good thing I wasn't good with them either, so I annotated the document with comments, endnotes, color coded highlighter and an explanation addendum.

In court, at the last minute, he gives me a paper document with some major revisions in a light highlighter, but not all revisions. How do I know what's included/excluded? Oh look it over. [Uh, but that wasn't good enough for you.] How about a machine readable copy now. He looks at me in disbelief, yeah flash drive [opps 21st century, over a century a head of you, my bad]. He just hussled off into the safety and seclusion of the court room while my sorry ass is out in the hallway.

• [Chicken S--t]
  
• [Oh my mind was racing, if he accepted a flash drive, should I encrypt his disk and trade it for his excessive fees]
  
• [Oh come on, you've thought about it, holding these pompous humanoids hostage]

I guess that I was supposed to whil away my time in the hallway comparing the documents line by line. What a great diversion from sitting in the hallway like the illiterate, overly-emotional, sub-human a--holes, they must think we are. Really, would you treat anyone that way if you didn't think of them that way? Doubt it. F--k it, even if I found one missing clause I wouldn't be able to get his attention anyway.

So I pulled out my laptop, with down loaded Domestic Relations Revised Code and annotated the sections applicable to my case and specifically referenced in my parenting plan document.

Later, I did get the parenting plan document, not marked up, but machine readable. So no big deal, compare documents and if that wasn't good enough I have a whole set of tools (editors, advanced search and compare, regular expressions, grep) so no 20th century for me, damn it.

Open mind

As for the most contensious part of the parenting plan, the supervision, my lawyer finally admitted it was onerous and he himself (single and childless, how the f--k would he know) would have difficulty accepting it. In fairness, most lawyers would hold out through pain of torture and death to actually admit that. I have to give the guy credit for being candid.

Another professional I consulted said, "Keep an open mind". Say what? I am the one with the open mind, I am the one constantly compromising for the last two years, constantly jumping through new hoops like a damn circus animal.

But what of the party chick half my age who might supervise me. Where did you find that out - facebook? No, myspace. Well that's her private life, I'm sure she's professional in her supervision. Yeah sure.

• I guess I'll meet her in the bar for drinks & discuss that.
  
• Oh you can't do that, it would be a conflict.
  
• Oh no, I'd do that before she was assigned to my case, then it would be her conflict to explain to her employer [oh God that is devious, forgive me].

• Professional's mouth drops, no words come out.
  
• Cat got your tongue, or is your reasoning just too flawed?

• I broke the silence.
• Maybe other's could have an "open mind" and actually dare to see that everything I do is in the best interest of my child.
  

And what's with this decorum crap anyway?

And when my battery quit, court days can be sooooooooo long, I got an extension cord, found an outlet in the hallway, locked my laptop to a large bench, and recharged it. Oh F--k decorum. I'm so tired of these overly sanctimonious phony pretensions. These dingbats would be wearing powdered wigs if they weren't so damned uncomfortable.

My wife, no doubt following instructions, it's so unlike her, dresses in a matronly frumpy outdated attempt at business attire and sits motionless staring straight ahead.

• Does this make her a good mother?
  
• Does this show respect for the court?
  
• Or is this some game for the gerbals they call clients?

I tried their game, sitting in the hallway like a compliant a--hole. It didn't achieve my desired results, I was getting eaten for lunch. In business, no results, off to plan B.

• So I petitioned the court to fire my lawyer.
  
• Motion denied. Temporary setback.
  
• So I informed the court 5 min before a hearing that my right to due process was being denied.
  
• This is called a "stunt" or a "push".
  
• Results achieved, enter the inner sanctum.
• Court order, you may not represent yourself, you must hire a lawyer.
• But I did get my time in front of the judge to make my points.
• They were uncomfortable (they don't mix with non-lawyers)
• I walked the walk [such a trite cliche, sorry]
• Now the judge knows me, stops in the hall to talk and shake hands. I think there is respect for me because I followed through.
  
• I don't think he notices my wife.
• The case is moving toward conclusion, not as fairly as I wanted, [but was it ever going to be fair, I think not], but it's the first time in over a year it's moved at all.
• In business, we'd call this establishing a long term relationship. Not a bad idea, considering all post decree motions will be heard by the same trial judge.

Also see my more recent Call Backs post at Call Backs.

I started to add that post here but it made this post so long and it is so important to me that I thought it should stand alone, even though it fits in this category.

So what's the moral?

• Don't do as they say or as they do!
• Be an individual, be your own person.
• Don't follow, dare to lead and carve your own path.
• Don't accept, Question.
• Or you can play someone else's game by someone else's rules. Rules that you probably will never learn.
• The difference is if you loose someone else's game you are a victim, if you follow your own rules, you are responsible for your destiny - good or bad.
  
• Nah, that was all just a rant, I could be wrong [apologies to Dennis Miller].
• I'm really not sure, I offer it to the reader to consider and decide for themselves.
  
• [What the hell do you think I was going to do? Tell you what to do, like some kind of hypocrite?]
  

Comments & Questions welcomed and encouraged.

Status: Second Draft - 11/16
Background music while composing this :
Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Beethoven's Last Night

Deadbeat Slur

The words "Deadbeat Dad" are a hateful slur and have no place in civilized speech.

Sorry for spending so much time on the "deadbeat" topic, but I'm having severe trouble with it now. I have so much more material to post, I just underestimated how badly I'd be hurt by the deadbeat process.

Just to provide a little more detail, my support order is $40 less than my mortgage. A mortgage for a nice home in the best school district in the metro area if not the entire state. I also have as much as over 2 years held in advance (although 2/3 was taken by lawyers off the top) over my continuous objections.

Why should these lawyer leaches be allowed to take money specifically held for child support, my other creditors don't have this option. Although this is a typical political problem, take the money for one pretext (lottery for schools, SSI for seniors) and spend it on something else.

Some people have been attempting to make this slur more palatable by calling it "Deadbeat Dad and Mom". I don't know that it makes any difference to the reader, the image is still the same.

The reason a Deadbeat Declaration is a slur is

• It is made without due process
• Often it is made in error
• It is made without regard of ability to pay
• It feeds on an emotional plea for the child
• It is administered by a hypocritical system that takes money from the child
• It propagates an un-American Guilty until Proven Innocent mentality

The slur serves no purpose:

• It tells you no facts, it is left to your imagination
• It disguises the true problems that lie in the system that takes money from the child
• The remedies applied actually make it even more unlikely that the child will be properly cared for

For all these reasons, let's treat "Deadbeat ..." as the hateful slur that it is and remove it from our language.

Lawyer's are nuts

and I can prove it....

One of the ten cognitive distortions that makes up the foundation of Cognitive Therapy (CT) is black and white thinking(1). As a person who works with low level computer issues often with binary or hexadecimal representation you could say I have a good "occupational hazard" excuse for black and white thinking. Add to that my disciplined upbringing with clear right/wrong delineations.

But I have come to understand the problem's with black and white thinking, have come to see the gray in between and see things on a spectrum with two extremes.

But my "special*" friends in law who are very creative in making up stories, virtual worlds to live in, play acting, etc. are surprisingly black & white thinkers.

When I complained about the latest proposal he countered, than you want to litigate (third phase, will cost another $100K) ! Well no I responded. Then you must accept the proposal, any changes will be a deal breaker. Why? It's very slanted (what a deal for the opposition, not for me)! But it's better than what they wanted, (sole custody) he countered. But that's unreasonable, I responded. What do you want, he asks in total lack of understanding?

I want you to see the gray between the black and white. I want you to see the spectrum is from mother sole custody to father sole custody with shared parenting in the middle. I want it to move toward balance. I want it understood by the judge that this proposal is making me give up what I shouldn't. It asks me to trust that in the future some trick won't be pulled by a party who has proved untrustworthiness repeatedly for two years.

Don't worry, you'll get it, no more tricks, he assures me with some groundless confidence. But the definition of a crazy person is someone who does the same thing (swallow their increased demands) and expects something different. I suppose the technical name for this would be unrealistic expectations(2).

Don't you just hate it when they think that you are a worry wart when you are having your life ripped to pieces by a bunch of strangers who could give a shit about you. Um, CT calls that minimization(3), another cognitive distortion.

I'm not worried, that would be anxiety with no good cause. I have plenty of cause for real concern.

• My son getting 1/3 of the support money.
• Two years of litigation and still not done.
• Tons of money blown for what?
• Unchecked antagonism, and bar raising every time I meet a new set of demands.
  

Nothing has changed, why should the antagonism, go away, why should the bar stay stationary? Only a crazy person would think everything is OK. But he feels it will be OK, despite the overwhelming history and evidence otherwise. CT calls this emotional reasoning(4). This is closely related to Déformation professionnelle(5) , the tendency to judge things with a bias related to your own profession (oh do they have this one bad).

I'm not crazy, are you? I see gray, do you? I may be emotional, but my arguments are based on facts, are yours?

Maybe circumstantial, but I think significant enough. I'll step through some other signs of their occupational mental illness and how they apply to our "friends*" in law to further prove beyond any doubt, they really are nuts.

Should we pity them, No, I think not. But I think a good jolt of electro-shock might be in order. If it didn't cure them, it would be a good punishment. win-win.

A concept lost on most lawyers. See Black and White only allows them to understand win or loose, nothing else, nothing in between, and in their quest for the win, they miss the win-win opportunity and capture the loose-loose result for their clients that the lawyers themselves do not understand.

It is the reason lawyers are the brunt of jokes. Lawyers, open your eyes and minds to other possibilites, there is a whole multi-dimensional world of Colors out there beyond Black and White.

* - don't mean that in a good way.

First Order of Business

Well, it's important to make sure we act "in the best interest of the child" (ITBIOTC or BIoC). I wish they'd use an acroynm, they say it so often it's like reciting your ABCs with that special single letter "LMNOP". So what did the Guardian propose BIoC? Well let's seize 11 months of child support - 8 for the lawyer, 3 for my son - BIoC of course.

When my son gets a little older, looks up these orders on the net and says "Dad, BIoC, that's BS". I'll have to say, yeah, even my lawyer knew that, if you'd like, we can take court action, I'd be glad to help you draft your civil complaint. It'll be a great father & son project for his social studies class. But I'll wait until he gets the class assignment or curious to look it up himself.

Just Follow the Directions

Most of us have been nagged about following directions from kindergarten through your Driver's License Test, so it should be pretty automatic and routine for most adults.

Ahh, but lawyers are special, I very specifically said, that I may not be home for the entire weekend and that my lawyer should call my cell. Did he? No, he left a message at my home that I got about 11 hours later.

He knew I had things to discuss prior to trial. When did he finally call me, just hours before the court time. Great, lots of time to mull it over. Oh but as a client, don't even think about not following their directions.

Oh What a Tangled Web

Finally got a hold of my lawyer (see Circles of Hell) and also spent more time reviewing this convoluted proposal. Probably only 3/4 through, getting late Saturday, so I guess we'll be cramming it in on trial day.

SO FAR...

• My lawyer finally admits the truth, this agreement is so far slanted her way that it really isn't a shared parenting agreement at all, it's sole custody with a little thin veneer to disguise it (and offer a tiny crack for me).
• But he's quick to point out, that if I work the system, the way my wife has, comply with all the intrusions to show I'm not hiding anything then the agreement will shift much more in a shared direction.
• He says nobody cares if the supervisor is a hard core junkie, when they say jump, you jump, you comply, then you'll be considered a good guy.
• Ya don't have to be a good parent, she's not, just a good litigant. That's what makes the world go around.
• He even said to me, "you know you are right, you have very well thought out arguments, and when this is over, I'd love to sit down and have a drink and discuss them. But right now they don't mean a damn, they won't get you across this problem".
  
• The agreement contains safeguards for it never being truly shared by stipulating which laws will be applied, including as they are now written, so that if the law is re-written to be more fair, it will never benefit me.
• It is very blatant and stands out like a sore thumb, it actually says the father will be held to law nnnn.nn (X)(x)(n-n) and the mother will be held to a different law.
  
• The laws were written to apply to all parties one would think from a very careful reading.
  
• The laws constantly refer to other sections, Revised Code, Administrative Code, Federal Code, it's more tangled then well stirred bowl of spaghetti (part of the Lawyers Full Employment Act).
• And of course there are so many listed exceptions or "unless ordered by the court".
  

So what have we learned...

• The (tangled web of) law is full of deceptions and dirty tricks.
  
• Remember the cliche "Ignorance of the Law is no excuse" or suffer the consequences.
• It's a sleazy cheaters game, it's not fair, it's not justice and if you think it is you are dreaming or a fool or both.
• Get a rule book, learn to play.
• Try not to go crazy with your new dual personality - real world and virtual legal cesspool world.
• Follow my brother's advice - "Don't let the bastards get you down".
• Follow my advice - "Don't give up your principles without a fight or a protest".
  

Reminder: See recently updated Legal Notice here
Status: Rough Draft Sun 1am, will be updated next week.