Tough on Lawyers

This is the third legal firm that has represented me. And if I could, I’d bounce them, but it is unlikely to happen. The lawyers would probably call me an unreasonably demanding client. That may be true only in their strange world where they believe their time is worth more than several dollars for every single minute regardless of whether they achieve any results.

I will admit to be demanding, but no more demanding than the demands made of me by others or by myself. What do I have to do to earn stratospheric income. Well let me relay to you the closest thing to that, I call it my project from hell. While our startup firm was going under (see Tagged V2) we came across a big opportunity. Over six months full time consulting as a working project leader on a large data center move. The technical challenge was well within my area of expertise, I had done about a dozen similar projects, most people never get an opportunity to gain that much experience. The billable rate is over $100 per hour, total revenue over $150,000. That would do it, that would save the company.

Opps they forgot to tell me something. It was a political hot potato, the project failed twice before, and heads did roll. Just saying the project name sent people scampering in all directions for cover. The guy I was replacing saw me as his savior and liberator, I never saw someone so happy to leave a job. Now the way things work, I get less than half of billable. So I’m working hard, what else is new. What do I do for that. Zero defects, no performance hits, on deadline or bust your butt, oh yeah risky changes in the middle of the night and manager’s meetings first thing in the morning (will anyone notice I didn’t go home). To bring the project in on time at the end of 6 months, I worked 6 weeks, 7 days/week, 10 hours/day, no days off. Results – success. I managed work of six people. During the last 3 weeks, one issue was so critical that staff was assigned in shifts for 24/7 coverage.

All for net $40/hour plus bonus. Damn I’m a bargain. So when some yahoo wants six to nine times that, with no deadlines, no guarantees, plenty of defects on bankers hours. And then screws up. Well than I’m kinda tough on them – f—kin pussys. So let’s summarize.

	Real World	Lawyer’s World
Billable Rate	$125/hr	$250-350/hr
Paying for	Results	Regardless
Results	Defined / Guaranteed	Whatever
Hours	24/7 as much as it takes	9-5, maybe a Sat
Provider Expectations	Zero defects/impact	No guarantees
Provider Exclusivity	Client is free to seek other providers (any number of alternate opinions)	Client is exclusive to lawyer upon appearance until judge accepts withdrawal (no 2nd opinions)
Time Frame	Firm Deadlines	No time estimate at all
Insulation	Customer insulated from impact	Impotent to protect client from opposing parties license to F—K
Client Treatment	Very responsive, loosing a large client can destroy the company	As a meal ticket
Client Response	Return page within 15 minutes 24/7.	Return calls in several days or a week.
Client Load	Only as many as can be handled without impacting service	As many as possible, service degradation is not considered.
Number of Clients	Six	Dozens
If client is dissatisfied	Bounced out the door, better cash any checks before they get a stop payment.	Need to ask permission from judge who can deny it. Payment for poor services will be seized by court order.
Reaction to client complaint	Make it right with the meter stopped.	Well you can discharge me if you want.
Potential Impact	Major data center disruption, million dollar potential loss.	Destroyed lives.
Results	Success	Still Breathing, failure is an option.

Note: Updated Table Entries in Bold Orange.

I don’t start out as a demanding prick. I give them latitude, I know they’re weak. But after I’ve asked for something for six weeks in a row or been asked to provide the same thing for the sixth time, I become impatient. I don’t particularly like that behavior from an elementary school child, let alone an adult who calls himself a professional. Oh, they have a lot of clients, so did I, that’s no excuse for poor service in my book.

Is it reasonable for me to measure lawyers on the real world in which I live or their world?


They don’t think so, I do. We disagree.

PS: So why am I pissed at my current lawyer, read the comment.

Last Updated: 1/10/07 2:30 am