Season's Greetings

It's been a while, I've been thinking about posting here for some time. Got tied up in a variety of issues. I hope to get back to posting here...

I can't believe how time flies, whether or not you are having fun. I haven't had time to write on this topic, other issues are crowding them out for now. For several years I wrote prolifically so I'll draw upon that in a writing melody of sorts.

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First I wish everyone the best, I said it the best here...

Freedom of Religion -- "OF" not "FROM"

Around this time of year I'm reminded of how far we've sank, from a land where government serves the people to when the reverse is true, from the founding Father's seeking freedom to practice their religious belief's to now when courts impose and restrict religion with all the veracity of a communist government, all by changing one simple word.

When I grew up marriage was a bond with God, "until death due us part", now the courts run rough shod over "what no man shall put asunder". And now Divorce has replaced Marriage in lasting forever with the courts imposing jurisdiction "post decree".

" So if I don't know you, I wish you Happy Holidays for whatever your beliefs dictate this time of year. If you are a fellow Catholic or Christian then I specifically wish you a very Merry Christmas as we look forward to the joy of Jesus Christ's birth and his second coming. if you are a Jewish friend I wish you (a belated) Happy Hanukkah, we differ in our view of Jesus, but we share a common Old Testament and belief in the Almighty God.

And no matter what you believe I wish you all a prosperous and Happy New Year and the hope that citizens will switch off reality TV, so they can participate and take control of our government as was intended. Don't drink the Kool Aide, question the propaganda (organized lies), its not pretty, but it is reality. Good night and may God bless you even if you don't believe. "

Click here for the whole message.

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Seeing your loved ones during this holiday is something many of us can take for granted. But after divorce, this isn't always possible.

I last wrote about this in a post titled "Place your bets on what my son's visitation for Christmas will be"

" First off, since my ex wanted no visitation for me and I wanted shared 50/50 parenting, the plan concessions are unique and complex. There are four ambiguous schedules that need to be merged. Why? Lawyers wrote it, ..."

I go on to explain how lawyers play hardball with children as pawns to be used as leverage. Games are played, faxed demands, threats, just days before Christmas.

As I write this, less than one week from Christmas, I only have a general understanding of when I will see my son for Christmas, as to when I'll see him during his Christmas vacation that started yesterday -- your bet is as good as mine.

Click here for the whole message.

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For a little more detail on how Christmas went, with Lawyers involved each step of the way see these two posts I wrote in 2007.

" This can be a difficult time of year when you are suffering. I know, I have been preoccupied with my difficulties and its hard to enthusiastically wish someone a Merry Christmas when you are under such stress. I hope you all can be diverted from this stress for at least a short time and try to have a wonderful Christmas. ..."

" When I said good bye to my son in the backseat of her car, she was waiting outside to talk to me at the other side of the car. When I closed his door, she said in a sad tone, "Merry Christmas John". It wasn't her usual snippy sarcastic tone. I was caught off guard and simply replied "Merry Christmas" in a flat emotionless tone. Odd, why did she bother? A slight attack of a conscience buried underneath all that vengeance? ..."

Click here for the whole message.

" At the very last minute as we sat in my lawyers office, a Fax was delivered. It was yet one more demand. Sign the agreement today or you will not see your son on Christmas or Christmas Eve. ...

The longer you wait the more painful she will make it, the more your son will loose access to you. Is this BIC? "No!" says the lawyer. Why is it allowed? "It is our [expletive] system, we've discussed this before", says the lawyer impatiently and indignity. This is extortion, isn't it? "Yes" says the lawyer. ..."

Click here for the whole message.

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So its the end of another year, and decade, let's all hope the next ones are so much better than the last...

Status: Written 12/20/09, dated 12/30/09 to float on top of any posts I write this year.

No Foolin

Yep, its been four years since we both filed for divorce and I'm still in court. I am scheduled to appear this month and next. That may not sound too surprising, unless you realize that we received a final decree almost 2 years ago.

So why are we still in court? Because the final decree isn't final, it was issued because I ran out of money to pay the Divorce Industry Parasites. It was also issued because the State Supreme Court has guidelines on case load management that say contested divorces with children should be "disposed of" within two years. Ours wasn't. why? Because I had saved and invested well and had pockets too deep for the lawyers to empty in two years.

My ex has a perverse sense of timing, she originally had planned to separate on April 1st, 2005. I found this out only a few weeks earlier. Instead she left with my son a few days earlier before April 1st, went on a 2 week spree of taking assets while I was preoccupied with trying to figure out where my son was.

I didn't really want a divorce for a variety of reasons. I don't believe in divorce. I don't think its good for children. I filed because I was told it would be the only way to assert my parental rights after she kidnapped my son.

I was told that it was important to file first. As Plaintiff, I'd likely be favored to "win" the divorce case and any controversies. And I did file first, by just several cases, which should have secured my envious status as Plaintiff. But it didn't. It seems that lawyers (sworn officers of the court) often give advice on how to circumvent court procedures. My ex evaded service (likely on her lawyer's advice, just as mine advised me later), thus causing my complaint "to fail for lack of service". Unfortunately my lawyer at the time (later fired for incompetence) did not advise me of this seemingly standard evasive technique, so I accepted service and was thus named defendant (presumed loser). It took the court over two years to inform me of their pre-ordained assumption.

So four years ago I was taken as a fool and since then I've learned a lot. People are still being fooled every day. That's the business of the Divorce Industry Parasites. And making money off others' misery is very profitable (and sleazy, I might add).

For more background of my divorce see my companion introduction page.

So on this April Fools Day, remember not to be fooled. And if you are talking to a lawyer, know that you will be taken as a fool. (jqism)

Chickenshit

Do we have a new trend? Are the corrupt officials actually afraid of jail? Or maybe they are afraid of the best TV investigative reporter in our market who is famous for his ambush attacks on the guilty.

The sheriff resigned. Just like the county recorder's brother. Neither one of them put in a fair day's work. There was more digging into the sheriff's background and a closet full of skeletons was coming to light. This time it wasn't so much the print media as our best TV investigative reporter. He's the one who got the county recorder's brother too.

The sheriff claims he had a stroke in 2006 and all of a sudden after appearing in the local news for several evenings in a row, decided to retire on doctor's advice for health reasons that didn't seen to bother him the last 3 years. More likely a lawyer's advice than a doctor's. He's been in office over three decades.

So how will he be replaced? By the county political party machine. As they said on the news, "politics as usual". When is his resignation effective? April 1st, guess we're the fools, the joke is on us.

On the one hand its good to get the corrupt person out, but what's next? Can they just resign and it all goes away, "no harm, no foul"? Is voluntary resignation sufficient punishment? Not in my mind. Don't get me wrong, its a good first step, but only a small one. But its a small step that many don't even take.

Too bad my famous judge and his famous auditor brother didn't resign. They are both employed, drawing money and only an occasional headline. They aren't chickenshit, they have big brass balls. They don't care about headlines, because after a while they fade away, but their power doesn't.

Maybe it's not fair to call the sheriff and other guy chickenshits. Maybe they were doing the honorable thing? Nah! I doubt it. I think they know the media too. And resigning takes the wind out of the media sails. And it just may be the key for them to skate free of their just punishment. I guess I'm bothered that this will allow them to get out of jail free. It shouldn't be that easy.

But then my judge has escaped his just punishment and he's still drawing over $121,000 in taxpayer salary. I wonder if he's working more than three hours a day? I doubt it, old habits die hard.

Especially when you not only think you are above the law, but you know it.

Well here's hoping that we have a new trend of resignations as the rats abandon the corrupt government ship.

Law Enforcement is corrupt too

I mentioned that the federal government took the unusual step of not involving local law enforcement in their investigative efforts of corruption in our county governement. The easiest and normal course of action would be to issue subpoenas for the needed info with the involvement of local law enforcement. Instead FBI agents from 3 states were assembled to do dawn raids on county officials residences. Logistically this is much more difficult, since you can't trust that you will get what you are after you have to take out lots of materials (truck loads), take it to a secure warehouse, inventory it all, and then keep it secure.

Original speculation was that the county prosecutor would be implicated since he also acts as the lawyer for the corrupt county officials and should have known of their wrong doing. Actually a classic conflict of interest because he advises corrupt officials that should be prosecuted (by him). But judges are a member of the same labor union (bar) of the people they are to manage (lawyers). So the judiciary is fraught with conflicts. He's been in the spotlight but no strong allegations yet. Guess they are still going through the warehouse of material.

But our county sheriff is attracting attention now, apparently he advised someone how to avoid a subpoena (like the ones he's charged with serving), he has relatives on the payroll (like my judge's brother did), and he only shows up to work 1 day a week, but has no trouble cashing his $110,000 pay on time. Hmmm, assuming an 8 hour day (unlikely), that means he averages 1.6 hours a day, slightly more than half of my judge's 3 hour day. That would be a theft in office of $88,000 per year. Maybe he and my judge ($75,000 per year theft) should share a cell.

The key word is should. But they won't, and that's the sad state of justice in our corrupt county.


Update1: The sheriff resigned, just about insuring he won't be be sharing any cell.

Update2: The State Attorney General raided the sheriff's offices today (03/26/09) on the suspicion that evidence was being destroyed.

Corruption, a family affair

Our town has some big political names. My judge has a big name, big enough to work 3 hours a day and still get promoted. After our media had run more than half dozen front page articles on our "worst family court in the state", they moved to county government and found my judge's equally famous brother had 90 friends on the government payroll. After another half dozen front pages, they even ran a headline with the famous corrupt brothers together on the front page.

Our TV media ran a story on another corrupt political family name. This one was just a county laborer, sort of the lesser known in the family. I'm sure his name got him his job and got his supervisor to look the other way as he did just about everything (errands, shopping, etc) but his job on the county clock. Well our crack investigative reporter tracked him down pushed a mike in his face and got the door slammed in his face. They took their surveillance to the only untainted county commissioner who said he'd start proceedings to fire him. So the guilty guy, unlike the big names, decided to resign and save embarrassment. That is ironic since his more famous brother was run out of a powerful position for viewing porn on the county computers on the county clock.

What perked up my ears was talk that this laborer who earned $65,000 / year (not bad pay) could be prosecuted for "theft in office" for turning in a false time card. Wow, that would be an interesting precedent that my judge escaped from. He was found to work only 3 hours per day on his $121,000 job, thus stealing $75,000 per year. If he were criminally prosecuted for this it could end his career (well deservedly so).

But my judge did so much worse, he created false "shadow trials" to hide his absence. He allowed the lawyers to steal their clients blind by his absence and lack of supervision. I wouldn't be surprised if his total impact was over a million dollars a year, which adds up in a decade. He allowed over $100,000 to be stolen from me and I'm just one of his many cases.

Here's how I think things will go, and the thieves reactions seems to bear this out. The little guy is in danger, even with his name. He could go to jail. But my judge, the fat cat, will skate free. That's the nature of our screwed up justice system, put shoplifters and laborers in jail, while county commissioners, auditors, and judges get a free pass. I don't condone any theft, they all should be in jail. But they won't be, and that's the sad state of American "justice".

Corruption begets more corruption

Our town is running a cottage industry on corruption, it is so extensive that Federal agents from neighboring states are being brought in to handle the extensive workload. It all started when our local newspaper ran a story on my judge's 3 hour work day and the rampant corruption in our county's divorce court. Interestingly, six months earlier I had an interesting conversation with the senior editor about that very subject.

After my judge made the front page, following additions discussed other judges, ruined lives by the court's inefficiency and how dismally our courts compared to other large county's in the state. The daily exposes caught the attention of the State Supreme Court that is charged with overseeing the county courts. They came to the conclusion that our county's court system was the most inefficient in the state. Not rocket science when you consider that none of the judges worked a full day.

Then the local media moved onto county government, one headline even had the famous named brothers on the front page, one was my judge working a mere three hours a day, the other as county auditor with 90 political friends on the government payroll.

Now the supreme court is considering suspending or disbarring a pair of pit bull lawyers. When I complained about my ex's pit bull tactics, bystanders assumed I was talking of this team being investigated. I wrote about them in a post entitled Circles of Hell.

There are 23 pages of allegations including lying to judges, not filing required paper work, wrongful allegations against the opposition. While this firm is synonymous with pit bull lawyering, they are by no means alone in reputation or questionable practices. My ex's lawyer practiced all these bad habits too. Maybe the State Supreme Court could investigate some more powerful lawyers in our court.

If the judges worked full days for their $121,000 per year salary and managed the lawyers who practice before them, then maybe these abuses could not occur. When I personally reported the violation of civil rules on handling of subpoenas by opposition counsel, my judge's reaction was one of amusement. He chuckled that a mere lay person such as myself caught my ex's 25 year veteran pit bull breaking the rules. It mattered not that I am college educated, a professional, and intelligent. I have no JD, and in our courts that makes me subhuman, an opinion shared by his boss, the administrative judge as reported in the same newspaper at his re-election. The judge did take the unusual step of requiring all parties to stay until an AJE was signed by all parties. But proper management would have called for disciplinary action up to contempt and sanctions. That just doesn't happen in our courts, hence the State Supreme Court's label as "worst court in the state".

Legal disclaimer, I do not know, nor have I had dealings with the lawyers mentioned in the media. I am merely republishing the media's investigative findings. My allegations of similar behavior are against the parties in my litigation covered by my legal notice.

Search for the good...

Your mind can do many things, worry, ruminate or meditate. The later being more productive. In the midst of divorce your world seems like its collapsing. It's easy to see only the bleak, to fall so far that the daylight seems faint.

Reflect on good times, pray, listen for God's answer, plan, count your blessings. During a divorce, this isn't easy at all, but it is necessary.

A few years ago (during lent) in the height of nasty litigation that literally kept me up all night until I collapsed in fatigue, I participated in a retreat based on the teachings of St. Ignatius founder of the Jesuit order. I remember commenting to my group that I saw so much evil in the court system (ours is under state and federal investigation for corruption) that I could not see God's good anymore. Intellectually I knew it existed, emotionally I was blind to it.

St. Ignatius advocated seeing God's good in the world, in a sunset, in nature's beauty, in your fellow people. He also developed a set of spiritual exercises and discussed levels of prayer. We've all "talked at God", he advocated reaching a level where you quiet your mind and listen for his answer.

During this time it is easy to see evil, its all around us. It takes effort to search out the good in the world and to be comforted by it. It's easy for our lonely mind to ruminate on our misfortune, its hard to meditate and hear God's direction. It's easy to worry about the future, its hard to find the confidence to take control and direct it.

So when you are alone and tempted to worry, ruminate, and be depressed over your plight, work hard, struggle, to do something better with your solitude. If you can't, I understand, many times I have difficulty too, just keep trying. Even better, find some support to help you.

Best wishes on your journey...

PS: This is the season of lent and I just completed a 3 day Lenten Mission. It was good, but I long for more.

No Prep, No Problem

It's that time again, I go to court at the end of the week. So I figure it's time to set the agenda. I am Pro Se, so I called the opposing lawyer. I ask what we're going to accomplish at the hearing.

"I don't know, my client hasn't called me. It's just a pre-trial, we'll discuss it there."

Translated: "I don't get paid to prepare for court."
Expected result: "Nothing will get accomplished, but we'll schedule another hearing."

How do these pompous assholes have the balls to call themselves professionals? Do you know any professionals that go to a meeting without an agenda and without preparation? That's a trick question. Irresponsible people who do that are not professionals by definition.

What a waste of money that could go to my son. Maybe four years from now my ex and her slow uptake will admit that, just like she recently did about her first lawyer.

Well I'm not going in unprepared. Never have, never will. As a favorite quote of mine goes - "It's not in my nature". I will file an affidavit with the court stating facts that support my request to restore visitation as no evidence has come forward to continue to justify its being withheld. It was easy really, I just wrote down what we discussed in the last two hearings. Maybe seeing it written down the third time will be a charm. I hope so.

Why don't lawyers prepare? Its a conflict of interest. If they prepare, it will result in efficiency, and that will reduce billable hours, and that is the worst thing a lawyer can do. (jqism)

Politicians are ...

how can I say this...

Politicians? Insert your expletives here.

I was at a large job fair recently and there was a booth from our US congressional representative. He wasn't there of course, he's in Washington, DC, there was a "staffer" manning the booth.

This guy was getting softball questions, I figured I'd challenge him a little. I asked him what our representative thought of his home town these days, the corruption, the federal dawn raids, the state supreme court investigations of 3 hour work days and fluffing cases on unelected visiting judges.

His body language gave him away, he was uncomfortable. Why? Is he tied into the local corruption? He is a local staffer, spending his time in our town, not DC. I wasn't indicting him or his boss. I was just saying that our hometown boy needs to come home from DC and "talk to some of the local movers and shakers and move some out and shake some up".

So what does someone who is uncomfortable do, deflect! I asked if we needed a law that makes it illegal for a judge to work 3 hour days (like mine did, as investigated and reported by our major media outlet). His response, well that's out of their jurisdiction, our county courts are subject to state law, it would have to be a federal court for our US congressman to consider legislation. OK, 2 points for the technicality, bullshit deflection. I repeated my challenge, our hometown boy needs to come home from DC and talk to some people here.

He handed me his card, encouraged me to write to the congressman, and dismissed me, no doubt happy to see me go. I'll have to remember his name, in case he ever seeks election.


So how would I complete the sentence?
Politicians are full of shit!
Leave your comments on how you'd complete the sentence.

Do you know HTML?

Today my son and I were doing one thing and my ex was doing her own thing at another table. While I was away from my laptop keyboard for a moment, my young son (from memory, just observing me), launched KompoZer an open source web building tool, like a Dreamweaver Lite and started building a web page. He wanted to spice it up so he launched Word and searched for clipart, then dragged it from Word to KompoZer.

He wanted some words to be big, bigger than Header 1, so he asked. Hmm, well, that's not a standard feature, we'll just edit the source HTML. He watched and read along with me the HTML source code that was generated by KompoZer. Rather than old style (pre XHTML) coding, I used a CSS style tag. Last time I showed him a simple JavaScript, I haven't shown him the more complicated version I wrote to cope with Microsoft's attempt to break javascript.

I showed him the customized iGoogle home page I set up for him, with Nasa photos and his favorite comics. I started to show him a Google Site where you can use their Web builder software since he can't install KompoZer on his Mom's or a library computer.

But here's the interesting part. My ex is looking at this job lead and it specifies that a "familiarity with HTML" is needed. She asks me, Do you know HTML? Duh, yeah, I thought. I responded, Yes and as a matter of fact, our son is getting familiar with it too.

So maybe he'll help her with that, just like he helps her with other computer questions.

She seems to be letting up a little on her technical phobia. Maybe she thought about it a bit and realized that the web site we set up presents no danger. Certainly not that she took my word, she probably consulted a bunch of non-technial friends who couldn't see what her fuss was about.

Actually her phobias aren't limited to technology. She woried when my son watched me use power tools or did any kind of work around the house. It didn't matter that I taught him saftey (wear eye protection) and the dangers of power tools and that he couldn't use them at his age. I actually spent time in court over that. Have any of you been called into court because your child saw you use a powertool? Sound crazy? Because it is?

Well he apparently learned a few things. When the handle fell off her briefcase, my son said no problem and repaired it for her. Guess he's getting to be a little handy man.

She should be happy I spend time teaching my son how to be a boy so he can help her with her problems. Maybe someday she'll admit the obvious. I'm not holding my breath, it will take a long time. It took her 4 years to finally admit that lawyers had ripped us off, but she still didn't learn her lesson on that one either. Some people are just...

Tech Phobia

As I mentioned on Valentines Day we had a disagreement about a web site for my son.

My ex has a long history of tech phobia. For one birthday before separation she gave me a pair of web cams and said this is how you are going to see your son. A bit of a cruel streak too. But then she won't let him use it because Oprah said that web cams make child prostitutes. As if Oprah is technically competent to understand the Internet and protecting children on it. I actually have extensive experience in networking technology, advised the state government ISP, supported global networks, worked on computer security, and even set up the work from home network that my ex still uses.

My son has a little club and he wanted a web site for it, so he asked his Dad who has a career in computers and has plenty of web sites (that she is thankfully ignorant of). He asked me to set up a membership application and email it to his mom. She about jumped out of her chair, don't put her email on the web site. OK, I'll use an email address that I set up for my son. It contains his initials. She was worried about that. How is someone going to compromise my son's safety from a password protected web site with just his initials? The email isn't listed on the password protected site, its embedded in HTML. He actually doesn't access this email address directly, I get it and forward it to her.

Paranoia and ignorance are a dangerous combination (jqism).

He wanted to include a membership roster and I said no to that one as she was about to have a stroke. Here again, a first name isn't really a problem, its when sufficient personal info is given to identify the person and location. No location info is specified or even implied (on purpose).

I had to take his first name off everything to satisfy her which also deprives him of pride of ownership of the site that he is sharing with friends. I showed the web site to another educator of young children I work with and she thought it was neat and had no concerns.

I think my ex got over her concern now, maybe she called Oprah and got the OK, I don't know.

I don't mind debating these issues with my colleagues in the computer security industry at a logical level, but I'd rather not entertain my ex-wife's emotional hysteria or Oprah's sensationalism. Working in the computer and educational environments for 20 years and being selected to advise the state ISP and library systems on these and other network issues I feel confident in my ability to review and eliminate risks of internet access by my son. Unfortunately my ex doesn't share this confidence, she lets her roller coaster emotions be her guide.

I guess you can see my sarcasm and frustration, but I really take a more calm and logical approach. My ex takes an emotional leap to pedophile or death as the consequence to many perceived dangers. I know this has caused credibility problems with my son as I wrote in a previous post where my ex actually told my son he could die of tetanus from handling a (rusty) railroad spike. He knows that's not true and I really see no point in exaggerating.

As for use of technology, it's going to happen, it's everywhere. Rather than tell doom and gloom stories, crying wolf, and attempting to ban it, I know my son will respond better to giving logical rules.

Status: Second Draft - Last Updated 02/18/09 11 am

Valentine's Day for the Divorced?

Some people talk about celebrating divorce, I see little to celebrate.

First the divorce wrecked havoc on myself, my ex, and worst of all my son who didn't deserve this.

Second, many people equate divorce with freedom. Not me, I am still faced with her because of my son. Ask me again in a decade when my son is an adult.

St. Valentine's Day holds some special meaning for me, while planning to celebrate it in some romantic way, my ex (and her perverse sense of timing) announced her decision to end the marriage. No need to discuss anything or work on it for the sake of our innocent son, just do what she thinks would make her "happy".

So how should divorcee's commemorate the day?

As for me, I'll be spending it with my ex. Yee Ha! (sarcasm!) Since my ex insists on supervising my visitation, it looks like I'll be spending time with my son and my tag along ex on Valentine's Day. How many people will be doing that? I don't particularly want to see her any day let alone Valentine's Day. My focus will be on my son.

At another divorce blog I like a lot, someone posted a Valentine's Day cocktail.

Let's see what drink would be appropriate? My usual drink is CC and Ginger. A smooth Canadian Whiskey and a not too sweet mix. 7 & 7 is too sweet.

But for this occasion I think that the better choice would be a "Snake Bite".

2 oz of Yukon Jack over ice with a splash of Rose's Lime juice.

No substitutions - Yukon Jack is a strong (100 proof) Canadian Whiskey with a unique taste (strong bite).

Yukon Jack is the "black sheep of Canadian Whiskeys", "a taste born of hoary (gray or white with or as if with age) nights, when lonely men struggled to keep their fires lit and cabins warm."

Yep that will be my Saturday toast. I checked and I have the ingredients.

If you don't have that, then how about a "Screwdriver" (to celebrate being screwed by your divorce).

2.5 oz vodka
4 oz fresh orange juice

Cheers...

Guess I'll have to stop by here on Sunday and let everyone know how it went.

Feel free to comment here and tell me how you plan to "celebrate" the day or how it went.

Update:

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So I had a decent day, despite my ex being there as a tag along and being a pain. Actually I had two days... On Friday I went swimming with my son for a few hours. My visitation is supposed to be four hours on the weekend, usually on Saturday. When I asked her about Saturday (Valentine's Day) she seemed a little curt, less than enthused. I suppose she could have tried to schedule it for Sunday, but she didn't. Maybe in some perverse way she'd rather see that I wasn't with anyone else on that day. I had been dating last year, but am not seeing anyone now.

My son called me a few times on Valentine's Day morning, asking me to bring some things. The court said 4 hours, she said 3, no one tells her what to do, but it turned out to be 6 hours. On the one hand she left us alone a lot to make calls or whatever, on the other hand she had to be her controlling self. She insisted he do some school work. So we did.

We had some fun too. I brought him a bouquet of Tootsie Pops, Valentine's Day cards (from me, my parents, and his cousin), and some brownies with real frosting just like his aunt (my brother's wife) made him a few weeks ago. See my ex only makes "healthy" brownies without frosting (kind of like a hard chocolate cake, yuk). My son is tall and thin, he doesn't need to be on a diet. I could see her getting ready to raise a fuss when I brought out the brownies, but she bit her tongue and let him have it.

He was making some labels and it wasn't working so we figured it out. We had a bit of a disagreement when my son asked me to set up a web site for him. Her protectionism and control kicked in. More on that later in another post. After I got home, my son continued to call me about the web site.

In the evening, I watched some movies, dabbled on the web (for my son), had a couple of snake bites and relaxed.

All in all, a decent day. Could have been better, but these days I have to be (somewhat) happy with what I can get (jqism).

Status: Second Draft

Our courts don't work !

A reader of my post from Dec "My ex is a control freak" commented:

"I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you're dealing with a major control freak. I'm not sure how the court system works where you are but here in NYC she can't just change your visitation without going to court first. If I were you I would tell her that your visitation will remain the same until the court says otherwise, or somehow document the fact that she has not been allowing you to have your scheduled meetings with your son. That will play in your favor in future proceedings. Speak with your lawyer and find out what is the best plan moving forward for both you and your son's sake."

Thanks for the empathy... How do our courts work here? They don't, not just my opinion, our newspaper reported that our State Supreme Court has labeled our county divorce courts as inefficient, non-compliant, slow, and the worst in the state. What's been done about it. Nothing ! Actualy worse than nothing, see this post.

No one, and I mean no one, tells my ex anything, she doesn't answer to me, she doesn't answer to the courts, and she doesn't even answer to God (not yet anyway), when her religion frowned on the divorce, she changed it.

Our divorce courts pick a winner (residential parent) and a loser (NCP). I was designated the loser. My rights are practically unenforceable. Offically, my asswipe court order says we have shared parenting. BULLSHIT. See the long list of visitation problems I have had. But as I said before, I don't settle, I fight, but its an uphill battle.

My ex wanted to allow me 1 hour per week. The magistrate bumped that up to 2 hours after school 1 day a week and 4 hours on the weekend. I pointed out that this is still short of my (fairly limited) court ordered 4 hours after school 3 days a week. She did make a concession to allow one overnight and possibly some extended weekend visits.

At this point in time I can not afford a lawyer. That's not necessarily a bad thing, they don't work well in this county either as my many legal abuse posts show. Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'll get my visitation back, but it is a slow process that started in Nov 2008 and isn't likely to conclude at our next hearing in March 2009.

I do thank you for your encoragement, it helps me continue the fight for what is right.

Label Explanations

I will define the label use here in the future....


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Status: This new post 01/11/09 will be left here for a month and then moved to the beginning of the blog in 2006. Added some terminology info including my famous "jqism" on 1/24/09

Cutting off your nose to improve your face

My ex is aggravating, so finally after keeping silent about her for the first few years of this blog I'm going to tell you a little about her. You'll notice a new label on this and some previous posts - Ex. I'll use this new label for posts that describe my ex. So if you've ever wondered about her, click here, and see all the posts I've labeled as Ex.

You know the old cliche - Cutting off your nose to spite your face... Sounds stupid, but its a cliche because it is so true. That's how cliches become cliches.

What causes people to do that? Stubbornness. Ego. They'd rather be right, even if it hurts.

We were going to meet at the pool so I could see my son. She called 15 minutes before we supposed to meet to tell me he had a headache and may be getting sick with a sore throat and earache, so no pool. She said she'd give him Tylenol and call me in 30 minutes to see if he felt up to a visit at the library. I called her in 33 minutes (she's habitually late) and she said he was feeling better and was up for a visit.

So I head over to the library. Surprise, they closed early due to the poor weather. We had about a foot of snow and it took me over an hour just to snow blow my driveway earlier today. The roads weren't that great but the snow had slowed and it was passable. No problem for people used to this climate. So I call her several times and she isn't answering. So I go to her place, right next to the library to catch her before she leaves and ask where we'll meet (neutral ground, not my place or hers).

She is still dallying (wasting time) and my son is already and waving to me from the window. I tell him the library is closed. She comes out and repeats it in disbelief. So she says lets meet at the community center (where the pool is) but just spend time in the lounge area. OK.

Her parking lot was a mess, I almost got stuck. She had one foot of snow all around her car and on top of it. She was going to need to shovel the drift behind her car just to get out of the close parking spot she was in. But I made another observation, if she left her spot that had no snow in it (just around it), someone else would get it and she'd have to park in the unplowed parking lot that was nearly a foot deep throughout, possibly getting stuck like I almost did.

So I offered to drive her and my son the less than 1 mile to the community center. She quickly said NO, she would not accept a ride from me. She'd rather spend the time (cutting into my already shortened visit) digging her car out only to loose her spot and get stuck in the unplowed parking lot when she returned.

She doesn't think much of my driving because 7 years ago I got into two bad accidents caused by an undiagnosed sleep disorder while working long third shifts and commuting 100 miles per day. Never mind that this problem is diagnosed, treated, and hasn't reoccurred. So I offer that she can drive my car, the same make and model as hers except that it is newer, if that would make her more comfortable.

NOPE! So I help her clean off her car and move the 1 foot of snow from around her car as my excited son sat staring bored from the window inside (she didn't want him out in the cold). So we finally arrive at the community center nearly 2 hours after we were scheduled (by the court) to visit.

And when it was over, I'm sure she had fun in her unplowed lot. But she didn't have to lower herself to accept a short ride from me.

They say that your post-divorce relationship when you have kids should be business like. A business like relationship doesn't include stubborn ego manic behavior. It would recongnize and appreciate a win-win scenario (keep your parking spot, share a ride, save time). Four years after seperation and she's still got to be in control.