Getting divorced, loosing your spouse, breaking up the family is only the beginning. If that's as far as it went it would be bad enough. But it has a ripple effect that leaves no aspect of your life untouched. For the purposes of this post, I'll discuss it's social impact with emphasis in participating in school activities.
When it's a messy divorce, or if one spouse is manipulative, social relationships get tense, people feel a need to take sides or disconnect completely. Sometimes they will see things that make them tense. My lawyers choose to use service by certified mail to opposing counsel. My wife's lawyer chose to serve by armed sheriff to my residence (scaring my son on one occasion) and to my investment brokers business office. She probably tried to pull that stunt on my employer as well, but since my employer is one of the largest employers in that county, has their own security force closely cooperating with the county sheriff, that probably failed for those reasons. Nothing like making my neighbors a little tense about me when they see regular sheriff visits.
Then of course the harassment at work, repeated calls to HR, payroll, legal, and even interruptions to me and my coworkers at work. Last minute notifications, you need to be in court or deliver documents tomorrow. But I'm workin a shit shift, 12 hours plus 2 hour commute. I come home tired, exhausted, now I had to comply or be in contempt. Plenty of times I was threatened with contempt, many times by formal motion to the court. Just all part of the 66 motions against me 825% above the uncontested dissolution rate.
Oh but that was just the beginning, she practiced aggressive discovery, how aggressive? Motion to "Enter upon Lands" by force to seize documents and possessions. Since my lawyers were unable and unwilling to stop multiple attempts at forced entry into my home, I had to take action to notify police of this disruption and was advised to post notice. So in large print on my garage doors is a sign: "POSTED NO TRESPASSING BY COURT ORDER [jurisdiction] VOL [vol#] PGS [page#] Exclusive access is granted to petitioner, I grant access to no one." So she attempted to bluff her way in, so I had to add a second notice - "NOTICE: - opposition counsel has applied for but not been granted access to lands, any claim by anyone, must be proved and served in advance on my legal counsel, who will apply for an emergency stay."
And let's not forget how this all started, my wife's decision to violate a written agreement and advice of counselors on the moral violation of removing our son from his home without prior written permission. This was quite a wakeup call for our low crime suburban neighborhood when the police were called on a kidnapping complaint and brought the K9 unit, detective unit, and Police Lieutenant to the scene.
Of course the duty of the officers was to tell me that it was fine for her to take him, we live in a possession county where children are the property of either parent. They threatened my brother with arrest for blocking my driveway and when I told the officer what I thought of him he unsnapped his side arm and informed me he felt threatened and may need to use force. "You're gonna shoot me?" I asked, "You think I'm gonna take down three officers and a K9 with my bare hands?"
What effect did this have on my neighbors? On my relationship with my broker? On my job? Well, it got me canned eventually!
When the officer's refused to let me say goodbye to my pajama clad son as he was strapped into the car, what effect did that have, will it have, on my son. My son did ask, "Daddy why were the barking dogs making you go away?" BIC?
In divorce, it's usually a choice - winner and looser. Well actually the lawyers are always the first winner, but taking them out of a picture, someone will be given the custodial rights and usually a lot of other things. This is an artifact left over from divorce with cause which is very uncommon now. In divorce with cause it might make sense. If it is a divorce of convenience or an unadmitted cause then it produces a victim rather than justice.
My wife and I had always been active as school volunteers. The first school year I mounted a successful information campaign letting everyone know that I was to be an involved father. So what happened the following year, my son's teacher chose her. Now we were involved in different activities, I helped with computers and my wife helped with journal writing. We weren't even there on the same days. Gosh if they choose me they coulda got a twofer (lol).
I was popular with the students and teachers. I'd arrive early at the lab, check all equipment, and fix anything before they started. The technical coordinator appreciated not having to run to the lab on an emergency call. If the next class was short a volunteer I'd stay over and do a double (just like work). Working at the elementary school is different, but 19 years on support staff and 10 years as an instructor at a University gives me some familiarity with educational environment. My son came home the first week to report that "The two of the assistants put together don't know what you do Daddy, I had to show them how to connect to the Internet".
Of all the times I've volunteered I've only been accepted by our Science Fair because the teacher doesn't decide this school wide activity. With elementary school being mainly staffed by women, doesn't it make sense to take advantage of a male volunteer? The head of the science program thinks so.
One wonders what my wife said to get me picked as a looser. Well maybe other people need a chance too. OK, am I other people? Now that decree is final and my wife has custody, it is my burden to contact everyone who has a relationship with my son and prove that I have parental rights, to assert those rights, and to enforce the order against my wife to cooperate in that matter. The order asks her to cooperate, not make it easy, not volunteer that I have any rights.
So who wins on leaving out a qualified volunteer? I really want to know. I'd feel better knowing someone won. It doesn't have to be me, but shouldn't it be somebody?
Status: First Draft - Updated 06/01/07 12:15 pm
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Whatsa Shit Shift?
There's all kinds of work hours you can arrange from M-F 9-5 to OT to OnCall to Off-Shift to Shit Shift. I got some Blogging ideas today and this is a little background for some upcoming posts.
I work in large data center support. The main difference between a large data center (a company that has billions in revenue) and smaller ones is the impact a data center problem can have.
In a large data center, serious problem resolution is measured in minutes, outages are measured in thousands of dollars per minute, lost productivity is measured in thousands of people unable to work.
This is not the career you choose for M-F 9-5. Even data center upper management does not have that luxury. The experienced technicians and 1st level managers are at the battlefront 24/7/365.
But we're not talking about PCs that need rebooting several times a day, or hard disk failures every year, or OS installs every other year. This environment is very mature, very stable, very regimented so you can live a fairly normal life, albeit with the electronic tether (text pager/cell/blackberry). You learn to go from deep sleep to coherent speech to logged on in a minute. The stray wrong number in the middle of the night wonders who they've got when you start asking them technical questions.
When my wife hinted at restricted visitation, I was very bothered. As a father who cares the idea of separation from my son was much more disturbing then separation from my wife, who was doing her level best to goad me into the divorce.
So what's someone in my line of work to do? I did the unthinkable, I lobbied, hard, for the dreaded shit shift and its perks that no one would take. Every time there was an opening, management would threaten sadistic rotating shifts to give everyone pain, disruption, and poor health. Unless the staff coughed up a sacrificial volunteer. Someone to stand up and say "Ey, I'll take it Cap'n."
And so I did, much to my wife's dismay. Why? Three days off, M, Tu, Wed and maybe more, and shift differential (extra money). Sounds alluring, all you need to do is work the shit shift at least 10 hrs/day Th-Sun. Oh there's more. Vacation is fine, but not Sat & Sun, you get'em all, 52 of each. Maybe a double (16 hours straight) now and then. Oh and since there are few takers, we're talking skeleton crew, maybe just you, maybe a 2 hour overlap with the next shift.
Big deal what's going on during the weekend. Plenty. Risky stuff, that may send you scampering like a gerbil. A large data center never sleeps, especially when they have offshore operations half way across the world. It doesn't take much to go wrong on a skeleton crew to cause havoc when your staffed at 20-25%. Or you could look at it as the volunteer may need to peak out at 400-500%.
I started that job with over 25 years experience, all high end, high demand support. So it was nothing new. I remember one of my excellence nominations where the person was astounded, "How can you juggle all this without freaking out?" "It's easy," I said, "first, I have the experience, second, I know for a certain fact I will solve it, more than half the solution is in my head right now, so why should I be stressed?" I don't think of that as anything special, I figure, do anything for a quarter century and you should be good at it. (jqism)
I figured get the extra time off, to spend with my son, it will be a good trade I figured. He'll be out for summer soon and I can spend three days a week with him. I figured wrong. My wife saw it coming so she took evasive action. First take her possession out of town (oh yeah, in our county and many across the United States a child is treated like property by the law). File suit, claim that a medical sleep problem (that is successfully treated) prevents me from caring for my son and asking for sole custody. For more about that tragic day click here.
Well I stayed on the shit shift in the hopes that one day I'd get a full day with my son, maybe even two or three in a row, that my home would be his too, that he'd sleep in his bedroom, but after two years, that was not to happen. It may someday as I prepare to enter post-decree action. But not likely this summer, the third summer he's never spent a whole day with his Father.
And the thing is, it wasn't a surprise. I knew it could happen. How? My wife threatened me often and convincingly that she would take her property (our son) from me. How convincingly? Good enough for a pair of counselors to caution her of the moral and ethical (but nor legal) violation it would be. Didn't that sway the court? Well no, all three legal firms I retained, did not bother to get that evidence submitted. Why? Cuz lawyers are lazy bastards, they have plenty of easy work they get paid the same high wage for.
Lawyers don't know what a shit shift is, and they certainly wouldn't volunteer to work one. What kind of fool am I then? One who'd take a shit shift, on just the chance, the off chance, that I could spend more time with the son I love. Well ya takes yer chances and sometimes ya come up short.
I work in large data center support. The main difference between a large data center (a company that has billions in revenue) and smaller ones is the impact a data center problem can have.
In a large data center, serious problem resolution is measured in minutes, outages are measured in thousands of dollars per minute, lost productivity is measured in thousands of people unable to work.
This is not the career you choose for M-F 9-5. Even data center upper management does not have that luxury. The experienced technicians and 1st level managers are at the battlefront 24/7/365.
But we're not talking about PCs that need rebooting several times a day, or hard disk failures every year, or OS installs every other year. This environment is very mature, very stable, very regimented so you can live a fairly normal life, albeit with the electronic tether (text pager/cell/blackberry). You learn to go from deep sleep to coherent speech to logged on in a minute. The stray wrong number in the middle of the night wonders who they've got when you start asking them technical questions.
When my wife hinted at restricted visitation, I was very bothered. As a father who cares the idea of separation from my son was much more disturbing then separation from my wife, who was doing her level best to goad me into the divorce.
So what's someone in my line of work to do? I did the unthinkable, I lobbied, hard, for the dreaded shit shift and its perks that no one would take. Every time there was an opening, management would threaten sadistic rotating shifts to give everyone pain, disruption, and poor health. Unless the staff coughed up a sacrificial volunteer. Someone to stand up and say "Ey, I'll take it Cap'n."
And so I did, much to my wife's dismay. Why? Three days off, M, Tu, Wed and maybe more, and shift differential (extra money). Sounds alluring, all you need to do is work the shit shift at least 10 hrs/day Th-Sun. Oh there's more. Vacation is fine, but not Sat & Sun, you get'em all, 52 of each. Maybe a double (16 hours straight) now and then. Oh and since there are few takers, we're talking skeleton crew, maybe just you, maybe a 2 hour overlap with the next shift.
Big deal what's going on during the weekend. Plenty. Risky stuff, that may send you scampering like a gerbil. A large data center never sleeps, especially when they have offshore operations half way across the world. It doesn't take much to go wrong on a skeleton crew to cause havoc when your staffed at 20-25%. Or you could look at it as the volunteer may need to peak out at 400-500%.
I started that job with over 25 years experience, all high end, high demand support. So it was nothing new. I remember one of my excellence nominations where the person was astounded, "How can you juggle all this without freaking out?" "It's easy," I said, "first, I have the experience, second, I know for a certain fact I will solve it, more than half the solution is in my head right now, so why should I be stressed?" I don't think of that as anything special, I figure, do anything for a quarter century and you should be good at it. (jqism)
I figured get the extra time off, to spend with my son, it will be a good trade I figured. He'll be out for summer soon and I can spend three days a week with him. I figured wrong. My wife saw it coming so she took evasive action. First take her possession out of town (oh yeah, in our county and many across the United States a child is treated like property by the law). File suit, claim that a medical sleep problem (that is successfully treated) prevents me from caring for my son and asking for sole custody. For more about that tragic day click here.
Well I stayed on the shit shift in the hopes that one day I'd get a full day with my son, maybe even two or three in a row, that my home would be his too, that he'd sleep in his bedroom, but after two years, that was not to happen. It may someday as I prepare to enter post-decree action. But not likely this summer, the third summer he's never spent a whole day with his Father.
And the thing is, it wasn't a surprise. I knew it could happen. How? My wife threatened me often and convincingly that she would take her property (our son) from me. How convincingly? Good enough for a pair of counselors to caution her of the moral and ethical (but nor legal) violation it would be. Didn't that sway the court? Well no, all three legal firms I retained, did not bother to get that evidence submitted. Why? Cuz lawyers are lazy bastards, they have plenty of easy work they get paid the same high wage for.
Lawyers don't know what a shit shift is, and they certainly wouldn't volunteer to work one. What kind of fool am I then? One who'd take a shit shift, on just the chance, the off chance, that I could spend more time with the son I love. Well ya takes yer chances and sometimes ya come up short.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
So what's the difference?
People throw the word divorce around like a meaningless word. What does it really mean? What is the difference between a contested divorce and an uncontested dissolution? They both end marriage, right? Well, here's the difference. Someone I met along the way has talked to me about the details of his dissolution. See if you can spot the differences.
Someone mentioned how many trees were consumed in this process. Since the beginning of my divorce action, my county has added 386 volumes of journal entries in the Domestic Relations Section. Each volume is hardbound containing 1000 pages. That is 386,000 pages of certified court documents. Of course each lawyer and each party also has at least one copy.
That is over 1.9 million pages for one large county in one state covering 2 years.
So think about that next time you hear someone casually throwing around the word "divorce".
Status: Second Draft - Last Update 05/29/07 12:45 am
| Method | Contested Divorce | Uncontested Dissolution | |
| Children | 1 | 3 | 33% |
| Custody | Restricted | 50/50 | |
| Uninterrupted Days | 0 | 7 | |
| Overnights | 0 | 7/wk | |
| Parties | 7 | 2 | 350% |
| Lawyers/ParaLegals | 5 | 2 | 250% |
| Court Officers | 3 | 0 | |
| Docket (entries) | 159 | 20 | 795% |
| Court Costs | $1,109 | $227 | 489% |
| Duration | 2 yr 1 mo 3wks | 2 mo 2 wks | 1110% |
| Litigation Costs | $100,000 | $5,000 | 2000% |
| Decree (pages) | 91 | 41 | 222% |
| Judgment Entries | 33 | 4 | 825% |
| Trial Dates | 10 | 1 | 1000% |
| Hearings | Lost Count | ||
| Scheduled Hearings | 45 | 3 | 1500% |
| Motions Filed by Plaintiff | 66 | 8 | 825% |
| Motions Filed by Defendant | 44 | 7 | 629% |
| Discovery (Reams) | 46 | 1 | 4600% |
Someone mentioned how many trees were consumed in this process. Since the beginning of my divorce action, my county has added 386 volumes of journal entries in the Domestic Relations Section. Each volume is hardbound containing 1000 pages. That is 386,000 pages of certified court documents. Of course each lawyer and each party also has at least one copy.
That is over 1.9 million pages for one large county in one state covering 2 years.
So think about that next time you hear someone casually throwing around the word "divorce".
Status: Second Draft - Last Update 05/29/07 12:45 am
Friday, May 25, 2007
POC3
Well I have my advance tickets to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. It's almost a 3 hour movie and I see my son for 4 hours, so we're talking tight squeeze. Nothing new there. My son had a blast.
It was playing in a big theater with stadium seating, he ran to the top row and sat right under the projector. A few times he stood up to see how it worked. I've prepared him for POC, he knows the fights are staged and can't be imitated. I packed a sandwich so he could eat during the movie. Since it was a long movie, at the end he told me he had to go to the bathroom. We ran out as the credits started and got back to an empty theater as the credits were still rolling and what did we see after the film logos. Well I won't say, but you need to wait to see it, it will tie a few more pieces together. Real POC fans should know that there is a tidbit after each ending credit trailer.
The reviewers aren't being nice, but I'm a fan. It completes the story. All the twisting plots come together.
For those taking younger children, there is action and violence. Not as bad as Braveheart, but about as frequent. The opening scenes with hanging's could be disturbing for some. Outright gore was limited. Watch for the boy, you won't understand his significance unless you see the tiny clip after all the credits at the end are through.
My girl Kiera (KK) takes on a variety of roles during this film, nothing you'd guess. KK is almost the main character in POC3. She has more screen time than any other I think. At times she looks ragged like one of the boys, at times like she stepped out of Vogue.
There are a lot of twisting plots that can keep an adult mind busy. For the younger crowd, they can still appreciate it without noticing those deeper levels. Some interesting special effects, like how the Flying Dutchman bursts to the surface and the whirlpool battle.
Capt. Barbosa returns along with his Monkey (Jack named after Capt Jack) to play the major captain seeking Capt Jack after the ending of POC2. But just as in POC1, Capt Jack can steal the screen when he appears. Davey Jones and the VooDoo lady play important roles, carrying on from POC2. If you want to follow all the plots, it helps to watch POC2 before POC3.
So is that it. Well, all the existing plot lines are tied together so it could end here. But Johnny did say he'd like to do Jack again. The ending does allow a POC4 if they want to. There is some interesting irony in Capt Jack's POC3 ending as it relates to a very much earlier set of circumstances.
By popular demand and as a service to my female readers, here's a little about Johnny Depp's role.
Johnny's character is surreal, he's at world's end being punished by Davy Jones. You'll be surprised how well Richards cleans up. Too bad he wasn't on screen more. His second appearance was very short.
Sorry girls, Depp doesn't show up for 30 minutes. Of the 2 hours and 47 minutes he is on screen for less than 2 hours. But that's still a long time. Depp's father, Keith Richards makes 2 short appearances and he looks cool, as the keeper of the code. His hair is styled similar to Depp's.
There are some interesting trust issues between some of the male and female roles which were hinted at in POC2 and become more clear in POC3.
Status: Second Draft - Last Updated 05/26/07 06:30 am
It was playing in a big theater with stadium seating, he ran to the top row and sat right under the projector. A few times he stood up to see how it worked. I've prepared him for POC, he knows the fights are staged and can't be imitated. I packed a sandwich so he could eat during the movie. Since it was a long movie, at the end he told me he had to go to the bathroom. We ran out as the credits started and got back to an empty theater as the credits were still rolling and what did we see after the film logos. Well I won't say, but you need to wait to see it, it will tie a few more pieces together. Real POC fans should know that there is a tidbit after each ending credit trailer.
The reviewers aren't being nice, but I'm a fan. It completes the story. All the twisting plots come together.
For those taking younger children, there is action and violence. Not as bad as Braveheart, but about as frequent. The opening scenes with hanging's could be disturbing for some. Outright gore was limited. Watch for the boy, you won't understand his significance unless you see the tiny clip after all the credits at the end are through.
My girl Kiera (KK) takes on a variety of roles during this film, nothing you'd guess. KK is almost the main character in POC3. She has more screen time than any other I think. At times she looks ragged like one of the boys, at times like she stepped out of Vogue.
There are a lot of twisting plots that can keep an adult mind busy. For the younger crowd, they can still appreciate it without noticing those deeper levels. Some interesting special effects, like how the Flying Dutchman bursts to the surface and the whirlpool battle.
Capt. Barbosa returns along with his Monkey (Jack named after Capt Jack) to play the major captain seeking Capt Jack after the ending of POC2. But just as in POC1, Capt Jack can steal the screen when he appears. Davey Jones and the VooDoo lady play important roles, carrying on from POC2. If you want to follow all the plots, it helps to watch POC2 before POC3.
So is that it. Well, all the existing plot lines are tied together so it could end here. But Johnny did say he'd like to do Jack again. The ending does allow a POC4 if they want to. There is some interesting irony in Capt Jack's POC3 ending as it relates to a very much earlier set of circumstances.
By popular demand and as a service to my female readers, here's a little about Johnny Depp's role.
Johnny's character is surreal, he's at world's end being punished by Davy Jones. You'll be surprised how well Richards cleans up. Too bad he wasn't on screen more. His second appearance was very short.
Sorry girls, Depp doesn't show up for 30 minutes. Of the 2 hours and 47 minutes he is on screen for less than 2 hours. But that's still a long time. Depp's father, Keith Richards makes 2 short appearances and he looks cool, as the keeper of the code. His hair is styled similar to Depp's.
There are some interesting trust issues between some of the male and female roles which were hinted at in POC2 and become more clear in POC3.
Status: Second Draft - Last Updated 05/26/07 06:30 am
Another big error
I just got a fax from my lawyer addressed to my broker who is also a defendant in this case, giving him the good news that the case is settled and a seizure of funds has been made. My broker is under court order to deliver the funds requested.
But he forgot something, I know, just from looking, but I checked my spreadsheets just to be sure. Thankfully the error is in my favor, for, ready, don't you want to guess, OK, $12,000. Do you think I'm gonna tell the asshole about it? Hell NO!
But JQ, you're stealing. Don't worry it will be caught, somebody's missing money. I don't know who yet. I have to read that convoluted, no cross referenced piece of shit document package that cost me $100K. And ya know what, I don't care. We'll see how long it takes for the idiots to notice and then I will practice my best outrage and indignation with the managing partners. Or maybe just deep somber concern.
I'll remind them how many times we've discussed this, how serious it is. Oh, BTW, I know how you can fix it, for my usual management consulting fee (depends on the terms of engagement and level of risk to you "remaining an ongoing concern") I will provide you with an analysis and risk mitigation. It's what I do (references provided). The good news is it's less than you charge, the so so news is its the same number of digits per hour (3). Too high you think. Not what you pay your PC jockeys.
I'm not a mom and pop PC jockey. I manage huge computing risks that can close large companies down. It's the special bet-your-job rate. I'll be happy to let you contact someone who got a nice discount on my rate because of a guaranteed 8 month engagement. The results - many challenges, some long 24+ hour days, on-time, client kept his job. And isn't that all you really care about?
JQ, it's unbelievable, how could this keep happening ----
Status: First Draft
But he forgot something, I know, just from looking, but I checked my spreadsheets just to be sure. Thankfully the error is in my favor, for, ready, don't you want to guess, OK, $12,000. Do you think I'm gonna tell the asshole about it? Hell NO!
But JQ, you're stealing. Don't worry it will be caught, somebody's missing money. I don't know who yet. I have to read that convoluted, no cross referenced piece of shit document package that cost me $100K. And ya know what, I don't care. We'll see how long it takes for the idiots to notice and then I will practice my best outrage and indignation with the managing partners. Or maybe just deep somber concern.
I'll remind them how many times we've discussed this, how serious it is. Oh, BTW, I know how you can fix it, for my usual management consulting fee (depends on the terms of engagement and level of risk to you "remaining an ongoing concern") I will provide you with an analysis and risk mitigation. It's what I do (references provided). The good news is it's less than you charge, the so so news is its the same number of digits per hour (3). Too high you think. Not what you pay your PC jockeys.
I'm not a mom and pop PC jockey. I manage huge computing risks that can close large companies down. It's the special bet-your-job rate. I'll be happy to let you contact someone who got a nice discount on my rate because of a guaranteed 8 month engagement. The results - many challenges, some long 24+ hour days, on-time, client kept his job. And isn't that all you really care about?
JQ, it's unbelievable, how could this keep happening ----
Status: First Draft
Emails IRL
I got two emails from friends IRL (in real life). Hey you guys are real too, and I like you a bunch because some of my other friends IRL haven't been much help during this time, but I haven't met you in person or known you for long.
These were from people who've known me a very long time. My older cousin has known me my whole life. A business colleague has known me my entire business career. Both are one of a small number of readers who have known me a long time IRL. As a kid, early career, early marriage and now this phase. They have a basis of comparison.
They don’t post, they email to my real email account. They’ve met my wife. I wasn’t going to share the Blog with anyone IRL. But these are people who can be trusted. After decades, friend doesn’t accurately describe things. Most of my relatives are unaware of my Blog.
They’ve written a lot of thought provoking items, it will take me time to thoughtfully answer you. I have been thinking of you both and your support. I will briefly respond…
To my dear cousin:
To my business colleague:
Status: First Draft - Last Updated 05/25/07
These were from people who've known me a very long time. My older cousin has known me my whole life. A business colleague has known me my entire business career. Both are one of a small number of readers who have known me a long time IRL. As a kid, early career, early marriage and now this phase. They have a basis of comparison.
They don’t post, they email to my real email account. They’ve met my wife. I wasn’t going to share the Blog with anyone IRL. But these are people who can be trusted. After decades, friend doesn’t accurately describe things. Most of my relatives are unaware of my Blog.
They’ve written a lot of thought provoking items, it will take me time to thoughtfully answer you. I have been thinking of you both and your support. I will briefly respond…
To my dear cousin:
- I love your email title, I’m gonna use it in a post…
- You are reading my mind on the lawyer’s intentions and my reaction. You can tell we’re related we think alike.
- Your idea about a letter to my son is excellent, will do
- My mother was referring to my wife’s lawyer
- You are on the opposite side of the list our Uncle is in
- Sometime I’m at my parents over the weekend, I’ll call you with free cell minutes, they’d love to talk I’m sure
To my business colleague:
- Nobody but the lawyers really win, but I did prevail on issues that others have lost
- I’ll be on the market soon, now that I’m not in court every week
- You are perceptive and articulate. Your emails are more challenging to respond too.
- Sorry I have a big back log of your emails but you raise very deep issues that require some thought to answer, they’re in my pending draft folders
- You have made some poignant observations that few would be able to make, I will redact as needed, keeping only info about me and post on the Blog because they show a side that others IRL haven’t even seen.
Status: First Draft - Last Updated 05/25/07
Congratulations from the lawyer
My lawyer calls, he sounds so upbeat and happy.
Lawyer: "You're free, you don't have to worry about going to court and the opposition lawyer anymore"
Me: "Yeah and I don't have to worry about making investment decisions anymore either"
The point is the lawyers won, my son lost. And my wife and I can check off a list of who prevailed on what. Maybe you could say I won, because I got something, the greedy bastards wanted the house too, but didn't get it. The judge said he would take it too, put it in the kitty for the lawyers to take.
But the safety net it took 15 years hard work to build? Gone, not to my son, not to her, to the lawyers. I'm not depressed about it (yet), I have known this would happen for some time. I'm more numb. Kind of like a punch to the solarplexes gasping for air in disbelief. Need to breathe (Hi Leigh).
And the flip side (jqism)... I always try to look at things on a spectrum, or two sides of a coin. Some people would be looking for a tall building to jump from. Many people would be far worse off had this happened to them. At least I don't have that feeling (as I write this).
If I didn't have a safty net, what would have happened ----------
Congratulations sucka, we won, you lost. But that's the system, the house always wins in the end. Remember that the next time you are tempted to go to court in the hope for justice. Don't be a sucka.
So who's the sucka in this game, that's another post.
Status: First Draft - Last Updated 05/25/07 11:10 am
PLACEHOLDER TO BE UPDATED TONIGHT
Lawyer: "You're free, you don't have to worry about going to court and the opposition lawyer anymore"
Me: "Yeah and I don't have to worry about making investment decisions anymore either"
The point is the lawyers won, my son lost. And my wife and I can check off a list of who prevailed on what. Maybe you could say I won, because I got something, the greedy bastards wanted the house too, but didn't get it. The judge said he would take it too, put it in the kitty for the lawyers to take.
But the safety net it took 15 years hard work to build? Gone, not to my son, not to her, to the lawyers. I'm not depressed about it (yet), I have known this would happen for some time. I'm more numb. Kind of like a punch to the solarplexes gasping for air in disbelief. Need to breathe (Hi Leigh).
And the flip side (jqism)... I always try to look at things on a spectrum, or two sides of a coin. Some people would be looking for a tall building to jump from. Many people would be far worse off had this happened to them. At least I don't have that feeling (as I write this).
If I didn't have a safty net, what would have happened ----------
Congratulations sucka, we won, you lost. But that's the system, the house always wins in the end. Remember that the next time you are tempted to go to court in the hope for justice. Don't be a sucka.
So who's the sucka in this game, that's another post.
Status: First Draft - Last Updated 05/25/07 11:10 am
PLACEHOLDER TO BE UPDATED TONIGHT
And now the fun begins - NOT!
So you get your final decree, and start your carefree life the next day, Right? Wrong!
Well to be accurate, having the hired bitch out of my life will be huge. Not having to go to the court house and sit around all day every few weeks will be great. Hell I’ll save plenty of money in parking and gas alone.
I have a lot to do post-decree, just like a wedding in reverse where so much planning is done for a single day. A divorce is a single day that ends with "You are now divorced, Good Luck in your separate lives" followed by a large list of things to do.
Well I start with four huge disadvantages, the time I would have used to prepare for the day was spent getting the divorce issues closed. I was called to full day court sessions for a full day every week of this month. Add another day or two in prep and review of that court date and that is a lot of time.
The second big disadvantage is the court’s decision not to decide. Why? It would cost another $100K. So what does that mean, well I continue with restricted visitation and the court orders a one-two year period of hurdles and mediation to provide a “path to normal visitation”. Of course any ass with half a brain could make the same determination with common sense in a few days, but we’re dealing with a “system” here.
Third is recovering from substantial damage inflicted during the divorce. -------------
Fourth is the extra steps that are entailed in a contentious divorce.
So what do I have to do, oh it’s not hard it’s just unraveling 15 years of intertwined stuff. First, get all final official court documents – parenting plan, separation agreement, division of property (DOPO), qualified distribution (QDRO), withdrawal of TROs , Divorce Order, Waiver of Judge.
These documents will be needed, referenced, maintained forever. Especially contentious ones like the parenting plan. The documents look like crap. I need them in machine readable format, then I need to add all handwritten updates, then organize and cross reference the document so it’s usable. Why not just reference the original scribbled document? At nearly 100 pages?
With these documents every thing that is joint must be severed. There are people who need formal notification. By default everything related to my son is allocated to my wife. I must notify, enforce, and verify that all the people related to my son recognize and respect my parental rights.
Oh yeah and there is the lawsuit against me that rendered a lien and another new one started last week. On advice of counsel I have been advised to take steps to avoid service. So maybe to achieve that I should go on a road trip to my Blogger Buddies.
So much is said and written about leading up to or restarting your social life, but this legal transition from final decree to practical freedom seems to be missing. I'll try to write some tips on this as I discover them, but I'd appreciate any suggestions you may have.
Status: First Draft - Last Updated 05/25/07 06:20 am
Well to be accurate, having the hired bitch out of my life will be huge. Not having to go to the court house and sit around all day every few weeks will be great. Hell I’ll save plenty of money in parking and gas alone.
I have a lot to do post-decree, just like a wedding in reverse where so much planning is done for a single day. A divorce is a single day that ends with "You are now divorced, Good Luck in your separate lives" followed by a large list of things to do.
Well I start with four huge disadvantages, the time I would have used to prepare for the day was spent getting the divorce issues closed. I was called to full day court sessions for a full day every week of this month. Add another day or two in prep and review of that court date and that is a lot of time.
The second big disadvantage is the court’s decision not to decide. Why? It would cost another $100K. So what does that mean, well I continue with restricted visitation and the court orders a one-two year period of hurdles and mediation to provide a “path to normal visitation”. Of course any ass with half a brain could make the same determination with common sense in a few days, but we’re dealing with a “system” here.
Third is recovering from substantial damage inflicted during the divorce. -------------
Fourth is the extra steps that are entailed in a contentious divorce.
So what do I have to do, oh it’s not hard it’s just unraveling 15 years of intertwined stuff. First, get all final official court documents – parenting plan, separation agreement, division of property (DOPO), qualified distribution (QDRO), withdrawal of TROs , Divorce Order, Waiver of Judge.
These documents will be needed, referenced, maintained forever. Especially contentious ones like the parenting plan. The documents look like crap. I need them in machine readable format, then I need to add all handwritten updates, then organize and cross reference the document so it’s usable. Why not just reference the original scribbled document? At nearly 100 pages?
With these documents every thing that is joint must be severed. There are people who need formal notification. By default everything related to my son is allocated to my wife. I must notify, enforce, and verify that all the people related to my son recognize and respect my parental rights.
Oh yeah and there is the lawsuit against me that rendered a lien and another new one started last week. On advice of counsel I have been advised to take steps to avoid service. So maybe to achieve that I should go on a road trip to my Blogger Buddies.
So much is said and written about leading up to or restarting your social life, but this legal transition from final decree to practical freedom seems to be missing. I'll try to write some tips on this as I discover them, but I'd appreciate any suggestions you may have.
Status: First Draft - Last Updated 05/25/07 06:20 am
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
A laugh a day keeps depression at bay
After describing the hired bitch and getting a good laugh. My mother mentioned a stupid thing that one of my Uncle's had done and how he was mad at them. She laughed and said serves him right for that insensitive comment he had made about your divorce. We talked a while about how to keep him mad so he wouldn't bother with us. We talked about setting up a situation where we could parrot his own insensitive advice back at him.
We were both laughing uncontrollably. We almost had trouble catching a breath. She commented well that was great.
So remember:
We were both laughing uncontrollably. We almost had trouble catching a breath. She commented well that was great.
So remember:
A laugh a day keeps depression at bay (jqism)
If you aren't laughing you aren't living (Carlos Mencia)
So who is the hired bitch?
Frequent readers know that I refer to my wife's lawyer as the "hired bitch", my lawyer once referred to her as a "fuckin cunt" which I thought was pretty strong language.My mother was saying how nice it would be to get that lawyer out of my life. She asked me to describe her. I thought and the best I could say is, kind of a shorter hair, more butch version of Anne Heche (pictured at right), but older, like her mother, and not good looking at all, possibly with an extra male chromosome. My mother laughed and said oh, now I have a mental picture. Do you?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Thanks for the crossed fingers
The divorce will be final Wednesday 05/23/07 at 10am.
The 10th trial date is the charm...
All the stops were pulled out, one senior partner helped with case preparation this morning, the other made a surprise appearance so they could double time the hired bitch and the magistrate. Both my wife and her lawyer were visibly distraught at seeing two lawyers representing me today. She was out gunned. She couldn't get to the magistrate because one of my lawyers kept him busy. Her newest property demand was cut 10 fold. Her tax demand stood, but I have an investment advantage of long term capital gains and settlement by alimony to fairly well offset that.
My firm demand for automatic visitation update on job hours changed was met with only a scheduling compromise. She wasn't happy about that at all, she wanted all weekends for herself. This will give me a 7 hour block per weekend, every weekend (alternating Sat & Sun). No one thought this possible, including my lawyers.
This is still a gigantic hit and hurts bad. She did fairly well considering what she should have been entitled to. But guess who the real winners are? Yup, the lawyers. Mine will receive $40K. Hers will receive $30K up to March 2007 plus preparation for 5 more days in court for another $7K to $15K. My wife's share of her legal fees will be $25K to $32K to be taken off the top of her $30K settlement from me. So her lawyer got her a net $5K to -$2K settlement for 12 years of marriage.
I am protected from the $30K reduction the judge imposed on her lawyer because of my active involvement in the case. I have been asking for more documentation. I made a final demand that I could not pay opposition fees without documentation. I do not find similar protections for my wife in the documentation I received today and reviewed so far.
There was the signing process, initialing all handwritten changes, so she couldn't renege while it was being retyped as she has often done. Then there was the divorce ceremony. "Parties raise your right hands, I do solemnly swear or affirm..." As Plaintiff, her lawyer started the questioning, Your name, age, address, lived in county 6 months, one child born, grounds for divorce, did you sign a separation agreement, do you understand it, is it fair and equitable, did you disclose all assets and debts, did you sign a parenting plan, do you believe it to be in the best interest of the child, is it your intention to get divorced?
Shortly after the questioning started, my wife held her hand to her face to hide her crying, her lawyer made a fuss, the magistrate handed her a box of tissues. Boy for someone who fought like a bitch ya sure can turn on the waterworks. I've seen her do this before. Her answers were barely audible.
Then it was my turn. When asked if I certain questions I left a long pause and looked at my lawyers before answering yes. I committed perjury on advice of counsel. The answer wasn't yes, but the game is, if you don't answer yes, you go back and pay the lawyers more. For the fair and equitable question I said, "I have disagreements", the magistrate stopped writing and looked up, "but on advice of counsel my official answer is YES"
I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, my lawyer almost shit, the senior partner smiled, he knew, it was my passive protest, he expected it, he was OK with it.
I had to open a bank account and post bond for child support and her lawyer was all pissy about completing that so I had to do it today, but that will work out because I rescheduled today's visitation for Friday and hope to take my son to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Opposition counsel wanted to go back to court tomorrow just to see proof of my bond posting. That way she could charge my wife over a months child support to make sure I posted bond which is what the enforcement agency already does for a 2% fee of the child support. Notice a pattern, all BIC, ya think?
My lawyers took me to lunch off the clock. The senior partner enjoyed my ideas so much he offered to take me to dinner and drinks. Or maybe he just wants to bribe me not to file a grievance.
My mood, relieved that I won't have the hired bitch to deal with any more. Most of my sadness was when my son was taken out of his home, so no tears being shed by me now. I've had over two years to get ready for this day.
I'm sad that so much time, energy, and money was lost, for what, my wife's need to extract what vengeance she could. It isn't like she got a better settlement, her lawyer will take much of it. But she bought into the hire a lawyer and I'll fix him bullshit. And it was all based on emotions, not fact, not law, she thought she was entitled to half of everything I had since birth. Well the law is since marriage. And you wasted a ton of money to prove that.
I'm concerned about my mid-term horizon. I'm on thin ice. The house is at risk.
One creditor has filed civil suit against me. So, I'll still be in court.
Still lots of stuff to do...
Phase III Trial avoided.
Phase IV custody mediation will start in a month...to last another year plus.
Status: First Draft last updated 05/23/07 06:45 am
The 10th trial date is the charm...
All the stops were pulled out, one senior partner helped with case preparation this morning, the other made a surprise appearance so they could double time the hired bitch and the magistrate. Both my wife and her lawyer were visibly distraught at seeing two lawyers representing me today. She was out gunned. She couldn't get to the magistrate because one of my lawyers kept him busy. Her newest property demand was cut 10 fold. Her tax demand stood, but I have an investment advantage of long term capital gains and settlement by alimony to fairly well offset that.
My firm demand for automatic visitation update on job hours changed was met with only a scheduling compromise. She wasn't happy about that at all, she wanted all weekends for herself. This will give me a 7 hour block per weekend, every weekend (alternating Sat & Sun). No one thought this possible, including my lawyers.
This is still a gigantic hit and hurts bad. She did fairly well considering what she should have been entitled to. But guess who the real winners are? Yup, the lawyers. Mine will receive $40K. Hers will receive $30K up to March 2007 plus preparation for 5 more days in court for another $7K to $15K. My wife's share of her legal fees will be $25K to $32K to be taken off the top of her $30K settlement from me. So her lawyer got her a net $5K to -$2K settlement for 12 years of marriage.
I am protected from the $30K reduction the judge imposed on her lawyer because of my active involvement in the case. I have been asking for more documentation. I made a final demand that I could not pay opposition fees without documentation. I do not find similar protections for my wife in the documentation I received today and reviewed so far.
There was the signing process, initialing all handwritten changes, so she couldn't renege while it was being retyped as she has often done. Then there was the divorce ceremony. "Parties raise your right hands, I do solemnly swear or affirm..." As Plaintiff, her lawyer started the questioning, Your name, age, address, lived in county 6 months, one child born, grounds for divorce, did you sign a separation agreement, do you understand it, is it fair and equitable, did you disclose all assets and debts, did you sign a parenting plan, do you believe it to be in the best interest of the child, is it your intention to get divorced?
Shortly after the questioning started, my wife held her hand to her face to hide her crying, her lawyer made a fuss, the magistrate handed her a box of tissues. Boy for someone who fought like a bitch ya sure can turn on the waterworks. I've seen her do this before. Her answers were barely audible.
Then it was my turn. When asked if I certain questions I left a long pause and looked at my lawyers before answering yes. I committed perjury on advice of counsel. The answer wasn't yes, but the game is, if you don't answer yes, you go back and pay the lawyers more. For the fair and equitable question I said, "I have disagreements", the magistrate stopped writing and looked up, "but on advice of counsel my official answer is YES"
I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, my lawyer almost shit, the senior partner smiled, he knew, it was my passive protest, he expected it, he was OK with it.
I had to open a bank account and post bond for child support and her lawyer was all pissy about completing that so I had to do it today, but that will work out because I rescheduled today's visitation for Friday and hope to take my son to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Opposition counsel wanted to go back to court tomorrow just to see proof of my bond posting. That way she could charge my wife over a months child support to make sure I posted bond which is what the enforcement agency already does for a 2% fee of the child support. Notice a pattern, all BIC, ya think?
My lawyers took me to lunch off the clock. The senior partner enjoyed my ideas so much he offered to take me to dinner and drinks. Or maybe he just wants to bribe me not to file a grievance.
My mood, relieved that I won't have the hired bitch to deal with any more. Most of my sadness was when my son was taken out of his home, so no tears being shed by me now. I've had over two years to get ready for this day.
I'm sad that so much time, energy, and money was lost, for what, my wife's need to extract what vengeance she could. It isn't like she got a better settlement, her lawyer will take much of it. But she bought into the hire a lawyer and I'll fix him bullshit. And it was all based on emotions, not fact, not law, she thought she was entitled to half of everything I had since birth. Well the law is since marriage. And you wasted a ton of money to prove that.
I'm concerned about my mid-term horizon. I'm on thin ice. The house is at risk.
One creditor has filed civil suit against me. So, I'll still be in court.
Still lots of stuff to do...
Phase III Trial avoided.
Phase IV custody mediation will start in a month...to last another year plus.
Status: First Draft last updated 05/23/07 06:45 am
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Do I have to tell you everything?
My lawyer finally calls, I ask, "So what is going to happen on Tuesday" (Trial Day # 10).
He mumbles, "Well you and your wife are going to have to come to an agreement on property settlement".
I ask, "Well how would that happen when we've had agreement for the last 4 proposals and then she changed her mind."
"I dunno", says the learned lawyer.
What a fuckin moron pussy. So what will he be contributing to the closure? A fee?
I ask, "So with these new demands, what commitment is there that this is the end?" Oh the opposition committed. "With a signature?", I ask. No! Well, then there is no commitment, how many times does this hired bitch need to renege on her word to start getting this shit in writing like I've demanded dozens of times?
So I tell him, Here's how it's going to happen. I know the facts and figures. I breathe the facts and figures. And this is as good as it gets. This proposal includes a $7000 gift. You want more property, no gift.
There is no way that much of the give backs I've agreed to can be justified, including the new ones. So either we go with the wilily nilly horse trade that the judge agreed to last week which includes her third increased property demand or we go anal retentive every dollar accounted for in the spreadsheet. But she can't have this fourth demand without going back to the spreadsheet and backing out willy nilly horse traded gifts.
Now that is the plan, that is the message for my lawyer to deliver. Take it, or calculate it and it will be much worse. But you can't juggle it this way when it's better for you, than that way when it's better for you. You think you deserve more, I'll show you down the middle splits, best case, worst case, DoS, DoD, any which way you want and they'll all be worse. I know the numbers. The deal gets no better than this.
Don't make me do it. She will not like the real numbers. She will be much worse off than this sweetheart screwed up math deal that you have offered her now. "Do you understand me? Can you get with this program for Tuesday?" "Yes" he says sheepishly.
Status: Second Draft Updated 05/20/07 09:30 am
He mumbles, "Well you and your wife are going to have to come to an agreement on property settlement".
I ask, "Well how would that happen when we've had agreement for the last 4 proposals and then she changed her mind."
"I dunno", says the learned lawyer.
What a fuckin moron pussy. So what will he be contributing to the closure? A fee?
I ask, "So with these new demands, what commitment is there that this is the end?" Oh the opposition committed. "With a signature?", I ask. No! Well, then there is no commitment, how many times does this hired bitch need to renege on her word to start getting this shit in writing like I've demanded dozens of times?
So I tell him, Here's how it's going to happen. I know the facts and figures. I breathe the facts and figures. And this is as good as it gets. This proposal includes a $7000 gift. You want more property, no gift.
There is no way that much of the give backs I've agreed to can be justified, including the new ones. So either we go with the wilily nilly horse trade that the judge agreed to last week which includes her third increased property demand or we go anal retentive every dollar accounted for in the spreadsheet. But she can't have this fourth demand without going back to the spreadsheet and backing out willy nilly horse traded gifts.
Now that is the plan, that is the message for my lawyer to deliver. Take it, or calculate it and it will be much worse. But you can't juggle it this way when it's better for you, than that way when it's better for you. You think you deserve more, I'll show you down the middle splits, best case, worst case, DoS, DoD, any which way you want and they'll all be worse. I know the numbers. The deal gets no better than this.
Don't make me do it. She will not like the real numbers. She will be much worse off than this sweetheart screwed up math deal that you have offered her now. "Do you understand me? Can you get with this program for Tuesday?" "Yes" he says sheepishly.
Status: Second Draft Updated 05/20/07 09:30 am
Friday, May 18, 2007
What silver lining?
Here are words that could only be written by someone who has been through it. And even in reading them and recognizing so much of it from my own personal experience, it still cries out how even the best words can only cast a fuzzy shadow of the true experience.
Just another disenfranchised father: What silver lining?
As my old friend said to me, "I talked to your parents and hear that you've been to hell and back", I responded, "I'm not back yet".
In his fourth paragraph "Personally, I think...", the author attacks two common notions, "standard visitation" and "glass half empty". The first time I heard of "standard visitation" was during my wife's surprise alternative to the mediator's suggestion for shared parenting. I couldn't believe it, "every other weekend, I see my son daily, that's my standard, who the hell came up with this standard?"
I think we should try an experiment, because words have not worked. For all current inflexible custody situations, we should switch custodial roles for a month and give the custodial parent the "standard visitation" or the substandard version their ex currently "enjoys" and give the non-custodial parent what their ex enjoyed. Do you think that might meet with some loud complaints? Why?
Also, just strike the placating line "half empty, half full" from your vocabulary. I excelled in math at an early age and there is nothing "half" in this screwed up equation. Not even close. The author is so much closer with his 15% full and empty glass discussion. It's not pessimism it's math.
Now here's the tough part, starting in paragraph six "There's a more subtle obstacle..." and going though paragraph 8 ending with "...finding a silver lining.", the author describes the most unbelievable insidious evil part of this whole process. The more you fight, the harder it gets. The system has a perverse need to dominate you and bring you under their control. Like a living organism with a primitive self preservation mechanism it fights back against it's unwilling victims. No where else have I seen the status quo so strongly fought for. Oh they'll spew rhetoric and circular arguments, but they're thinner than paper.
You may recognize this in what the court has criticized me as being a "poor litigant". I first heard this from the Guardian who is charged with the task of finding the "good parent", instead she talked about me being a "poor litigant". The judge even suggested that my "substandard" visitation was good (considering my "poor litigant" status). It was a big compromise from what the Plaintiff wanted. Who cares what she wanted, she's completely unreasonable even by the biased visitation standards?
I was the one given a private reprimand by the court for not wanting to cave into every unreasonable demand, for pointing out the multiple $5K errors in math, for complaining that the Plaintiff had not followed court rules and gotten away with it. All the while opposition counsel was buzzing around with new threats and demands. So when I caved, when I "gave the judge what he wanted" was that the end I had been promised. Hell No! The opposition continued to flaunt her will, despite the court's directive to settle and I once again am being asked to cave in some more.
In paragraphs 9-14 "So what am I talking about?..." ending in "...weakness in oneself.", the author discusses trite lesssons, fighting oppression, and the difference it makes when it is access to your children that is the subject of the fight. The classic "build a new life" just doesn't seem to go along with "without your children because you lost the court possession".
Continuing the fight is at odds with being a parent. In my early days, the fight was tolerable, and I was hopeful. In the middle, hope wained, and the battle took its toll on me and on my attention to my son. When I realized that, I reorganized the fight and tried as best I could to insulate my time with him from the ill effects of the fight. No calls, mail, legal work before visitation.
How can anyone give up the fight for their children and how can this not destroy them? The author points out there may times when the fight is idled, to allow one to regain their strength.
The author's discussion of "that which does not kill you makes you strong" in the last three paragraphs is interesting. The court and screwed up system would just be arrogant enough to claim credit for making you stronger, credit they surely don't deserve.
Sometimes I think, how could this be happening? It's unbelievable that it could be happening that often, on such a widespread scale, and still be allowed to occur. When I read a post like the link above, I realize that my worst nightmare is indeed true, it's not just me, it's not an accident, it is spread like a terrible cancer throughout our legal system even throughout the world. I wonder how many more disenfranchised parents will it take to overthrow the corrupt system? We must recruit allies from all corners. We can't wait for 51% of the families to reach this status.
What can you do?
Links: I have three internal links in this post, which should be easier to see because I modified my template, if you have trouble seeing them in your browser, please comment or email details. In my template, unvisited links appear as underlined maroon and visited links appear as blue that are change to underlined maroon when you hover over them.
Status: Second Draft Updated 05/19/07 at 8:30 am EST
Just another disenfranchised father: What silver lining?
As my old friend said to me, "I talked to your parents and hear that you've been to hell and back", I responded, "I'm not back yet".
In his fourth paragraph "Personally, I think...", the author attacks two common notions, "standard visitation" and "glass half empty". The first time I heard of "standard visitation" was during my wife's surprise alternative to the mediator's suggestion for shared parenting. I couldn't believe it, "every other weekend, I see my son daily, that's my standard, who the hell came up with this standard?"
I think we should try an experiment, because words have not worked. For all current inflexible custody situations, we should switch custodial roles for a month and give the custodial parent the "standard visitation" or the substandard version their ex currently "enjoys" and give the non-custodial parent what their ex enjoyed. Do you think that might meet with some loud complaints? Why?
Also, just strike the placating line "half empty, half full" from your vocabulary. I excelled in math at an early age and there is nothing "half" in this screwed up equation. Not even close. The author is so much closer with his 15% full and empty glass discussion. It's not pessimism it's math.
Now here's the tough part, starting in paragraph six "There's a more subtle obstacle..." and going though paragraph 8 ending with "...finding a silver lining.", the author describes the most unbelievable insidious evil part of this whole process. The more you fight, the harder it gets. The system has a perverse need to dominate you and bring you under their control. Like a living organism with a primitive self preservation mechanism it fights back against it's unwilling victims. No where else have I seen the status quo so strongly fought for. Oh they'll spew rhetoric and circular arguments, but they're thinner than paper.
You may recognize this in what the court has criticized me as being a "poor litigant". I first heard this from the Guardian who is charged with the task of finding the "good parent", instead she talked about me being a "poor litigant". The judge even suggested that my "substandard" visitation was good (considering my "poor litigant" status). It was a big compromise from what the Plaintiff wanted. Who cares what she wanted, she's completely unreasonable even by the biased visitation standards?
I was the one given a private reprimand by the court for not wanting to cave into every unreasonable demand, for pointing out the multiple $5K errors in math, for complaining that the Plaintiff had not followed court rules and gotten away with it. All the while opposition counsel was buzzing around with new threats and demands. So when I caved, when I "gave the judge what he wanted" was that the end I had been promised. Hell No! The opposition continued to flaunt her will, despite the court's directive to settle and I once again am being asked to cave in some more.
In paragraphs 9-14 "So what am I talking about?..." ending in "...weakness in oneself.", the author discusses trite lesssons, fighting oppression, and the difference it makes when it is access to your children that is the subject of the fight. The classic "build a new life" just doesn't seem to go along with "without your children because you lost the court possession".
Continuing the fight is at odds with being a parent. In my early days, the fight was tolerable, and I was hopeful. In the middle, hope wained, and the battle took its toll on me and on my attention to my son. When I realized that, I reorganized the fight and tried as best I could to insulate my time with him from the ill effects of the fight. No calls, mail, legal work before visitation.
How can anyone give up the fight for their children and how can this not destroy them? The author points out there may times when the fight is idled, to allow one to regain their strength.
The author's discussion of "that which does not kill you makes you strong" in the last three paragraphs is interesting. The court and screwed up system would just be arrogant enough to claim credit for making you stronger, credit they surely don't deserve.
Sometimes I think, how could this be happening? It's unbelievable that it could be happening that often, on such a widespread scale, and still be allowed to occur. When I read a post like the link above, I realize that my worst nightmare is indeed true, it's not just me, it's not an accident, it is spread like a terrible cancer throughout our legal system even throughout the world. I wonder how many more disenfranchised parents will it take to overthrow the corrupt system? We must recruit allies from all corners. We can't wait for 51% of the families to reach this status.
What can you do?
- Be aware of the problem.
- Be an informed voter.
- Inform others.
- Correct ignorance when you hear it.
Links: I have three internal links in this post, which should be easier to see because I modified my template, if you have trouble seeing them in your browser, please comment or email details. In my template, unvisited links appear as underlined maroon and visited links appear as blue that are change to underlined maroon when you hover over them.
Status: Second Draft Updated 05/19/07 at 8:30 am EST
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
No peace...
As I've said countless times, they always add something. She is insatiable.
Ten minutes before my son gets off the bus the lawyers call, my lawyer and the senior partner. Calling to tell me it's over? No, to tell me there have been more changes.
I protest, "you are interfering with time with my son". They push forward, they must discuss this now. I have made no changes, to my detriment, in two weeks. Why today?
I asked, "Have you forgotten where this discussion is to take place? At the newspaper's Metro Desk", the senior partner retorts, "I have more interesting cases, they aren't interested."
Well, I didn't challenge him on that one, but with the amount of documented abuses, including quite candid and unflattering recordings, I'd wager that they could spare some inches. I may just make an anonymous query to find that out.
What now? Some more money and some more stuff, and the new one, take the bed out from under me. Now she took the entire contents of two of the three bedrooms. Would she like to take the clothes off my back and see what she can get for them as a charity write off?
I have a major industry meeting tomorrow. That's when they wanted to cover all this bullshit.
I was assured everybody wasn't going to get what they want. That's why I was supposed to give up 7 grand. Now its much more. I am to be saddled with her tax burden in addition to my own.
So I stated that I am not available tomorrow. So the 10th Trial Date is scheduled in front of a magistrate because the judge will be on vacation, and he never works Fridays.
And the odds of 11th? Better than 50/50?
I will be plagued with her harrassment until death do us part. In today's screwed up society, Marriage is temporary, and Divorce is forever. (jqism)
Authors Note: Quotes have not been verified against recordings as verbatim.
Ten minutes before my son gets off the bus the lawyers call, my lawyer and the senior partner. Calling to tell me it's over? No, to tell me there have been more changes.
I protest, "you are interfering with time with my son". They push forward, they must discuss this now. I have made no changes, to my detriment, in two weeks. Why today?
I asked, "Have you forgotten where this discussion is to take place? At the newspaper's Metro Desk", the senior partner retorts, "I have more interesting cases, they aren't interested."
Well, I didn't challenge him on that one, but with the amount of documented abuses, including quite candid and unflattering recordings, I'd wager that they could spare some inches. I may just make an anonymous query to find that out.
What now? Some more money and some more stuff, and the new one, take the bed out from under me. Now she took the entire contents of two of the three bedrooms. Would she like to take the clothes off my back and see what she can get for them as a charity write off?
I have a major industry meeting tomorrow. That's when they wanted to cover all this bullshit.
I was assured everybody wasn't going to get what they want. That's why I was supposed to give up 7 grand. Now its much more. I am to be saddled with her tax burden in addition to my own.
So I stated that I am not available tomorrow. So the 10th Trial Date is scheduled in front of a magistrate because the judge will be on vacation, and he never works Fridays.
And the odds of 11th? Better than 50/50?
I will be plagued with her harrassment until death do us part. In today's screwed up society, Marriage is temporary, and Divorce is forever. (jqism)
Authors Note: Quotes have not been verified against recordings as verbatim.
What do you see?
A child having fun or an endangered child?
Some see a young child involved in creative play, hiding, pretending to be a spy, looking for other spies.
Others, who would prefer a more sterile environment for children, may worry, could he get hurt, could he be trapped in the trunk, could the car be started and moved, will he play in more dangerous locations?
Maybe you can't decide, you are concerned. Look closer. Why the umbrella? He's learned not to climb into an enclosed area, but he's creative, so he made a safe hiding place. While he used to pretend to drive the car when young, he knows it is dangerous. His father keeps the keys to the car away from him at all times.
Still unsure? How about some history. In the "protective" mother's care, the boy suffered two broken arms and one facial laceration all of which needed a hospital visit, but she only took him once, the father took him once after work (no attention all night) and the laceration never received attention because the father wasn't informed for some time. The boy also started a fire in the microwave under her "supervision" requiring an evacuation of the house. Under the "poor judgement/litigant" father's care? Nothing even close.
His father knows dangers, he also knows the dangers of stifling overprotection. He tries to strike a balance, he tries to teach without being alarmist. He encourages creativity while closely supervising and advising. Teaching while playing. Being involved.
But others disagree, they only see negative possibilities. They don't see the interaction between father and son, the love between father and son, the lessons taught. For them the issue is deciding which parent should win and which should loose. Which parent is custodial and which is non-custodial, necessary and superfluous, home and visiting.
How do I know these details? That boy is my son!
For thousands of years it took two parents to contribute to a child's upbringing, today's society believes one is good enough. History will judge this folly harshly.
Some see a young child involved in creative play, hiding, pretending to be a spy, looking for other spies.Others, who would prefer a more sterile environment for children, may worry, could he get hurt, could he be trapped in the trunk, could the car be started and moved, will he play in more dangerous locations?
Maybe you can't decide, you are concerned. Look closer. Why the umbrella? He's learned not to climb into an enclosed area, but he's creative, so he made a safe hiding place. While he used to pretend to drive the car when young, he knows it is dangerous. His father keeps the keys to the car away from him at all times.
Still unsure? How about some history. In the "protective" mother's care, the boy suffered two broken arms and one facial laceration all of which needed a hospital visit, but she only took him once, the father took him once after work (no attention all night) and the laceration never received attention because the father wasn't informed for some time. The boy also started a fire in the microwave under her "supervision" requiring an evacuation of the house. Under the "poor judgement/litigant" father's care? Nothing even close.
His father knows dangers, he also knows the dangers of stifling overprotection. He tries to strike a balance, he tries to teach without being alarmist. He encourages creativity while closely supervising and advising. Teaching while playing. Being involved.
But others disagree, they only see negative possibilities. They don't see the interaction between father and son, the love between father and son, the lessons taught. For them the issue is deciding which parent should win and which should loose. Which parent is custodial and which is non-custodial, necessary and superfluous, home and visiting.
How do I know these details? That boy is my son!
For thousands of years it took two parents to contribute to a child's upbringing, today's society believes one is good enough. History will judge this folly harshly.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
In case you think I have more to give...
Here's an email (with redactions) I sent to my lawyer (not the senior partner)... to make myself perfectly clear.
Other than to generate more fees and steal yet more money from my son, what reason would Plaintiff have for following action?I got a phone call from the senior partner assuring me that he'd personally make sure things stayed under control. Well it's about time.
[I included an excerpt from the court docket where Plaintiff had issued a subpoena last Thursday to my broker]
I had thought you had won this as separate property.
Plaintiff's continued bad faith, in this action and yesterday's threat has me deeply concerned that I was played a fool by signing this and I am concerned whether the judge will force her to settle or whether I'll get some new bullshit reason why "he couldn't force her" and at the same time you and the judge will try to force me into something new.
Meet me at the [Major Newspaper's] Metro Desk if you want to discuss that option with me.
If we can't try it under [judge's name], we can always use the media.
I'd like to know any reaction [judge's name] had, if he made any assurances that he would stop entertaining Plaintiff's folly, and when he has set a target for Plaintiff to finalize the agreements (or is it open ended).
My Tech Pride and Joy
Haven't made too much progress on building my ultimate PC lately, but here it is so far.
Here's a close up of the removable system drive. The top LCD panel cools a high capacity disk and monitors temperatures at critical points in the system.
System drives can be exchanged for multiple operating system testing. Removing the system drive renders the system physically inoperable.
Powered by a Soyo Dragon 2 Platinum mobo, Cosair Twinx memory, housed in a Coolmaster Praetorian aluminum case. Plextor optical drives.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Tag team - 3 on 1
Well it's been a long day. First order of business a private hearing with the judge, myself, my lawyer, and the senior partner. Opposition can wait outside, and man was she pissed, she just had to know what's going on.
So the judge gives me this threatening lecture about how he's going to screw me over good if I don't settle. So what if there is $7K of inequity on top of $13K. He'll make that look good if I force a trial. He'll take the house (Why? More money for the lawyers). He'll raise child support based on the highest imputed income he can justify, and he'll assign more of opposition's ever increasing fees to me because I have a better ability to pay based on large separate assets.
Did you catch that irony, see separate is just a word in divorce, it isn't treated as separate.
The judge was talking fast and sternly, to calm myself I stared at the worst rug I have ever seen on top of a human head. It brought an inner smile, here's this powerful man with this, this, eh gads.
But I was going to have my input, I wasn't going to sit there as a mute. It's not my nature.
He starts off telling me what great lawyers I have, I audibly laughed. He said no I'm serious.
He said we both (husband and wife) can't be happy, I responded, I understand that, I never expected this process to be happy, and I have no expectation of ever being happy with any part of this process in the future.
He said I got a great parenting plan, I was speechless on that one. It might be great for a convicted felon, an abuser, or a substance abuser, but since I'm none of those it pretty well sucks.
He said that I have large separate property interests, I said I had large separate property, I had even more before my wife scammed me out of $70K when my start up went bust then told me two months later that she'd been planning divorce for some time. It is my position that she already received a large part of my separate assets.
He tells me not to nit pick ($7K is only chump change, why stoop over to pick it up off the sidewalk). I respond that the last two weeks have been spent finding serious flaws in the mathematics of the proposal.
The senior partner says well, what do you think the judge said. I responded that he threatened me to sign the damn document or I'm screwed. No, No, No he didn't say that, says the senior partner, I respond it is simple to read between the lines.
We go over all my points and where things are. My lawyer makes a math mistake and has contradictory numbers on two different documents. I quickly pointed it out, the senior partner was following along with me and my lawyer was visibly shaken.
Too make that kind of mistake on final documents is serious.
Senior partners advice - sign it, give the judge what he wants. It will put us on the moral high ground, the ball will be in her court.
While I'm in conference with my lawyers, opposition barges into the courtroom, calls away my lawyer to threaten him that at trial she will require absolute proof of all brokerage transactions, over 15 years, even though these records don't exist.
Once again, she proves, she has the biggest pair of brass balls in the courthouse. While I sit there with the senior partner, I ask him, does that bitch know she is not supposed to barge in on opposition? She was also hanging out by judge's chambers earlier trying to listen in on the private conference.
What could I do? I let the judge know my objections, I made my position clear to all involved. But ultimately I signed away another $7000 under threat and duress. I expected it. So now the senior partner will deliver the signed separation agreement and divorce decree to the judge and opposing counsel.
So here's how it works out, within 10 days of execution:
So now we are awaiting my wife's signature.
So the judge gives me this threatening lecture about how he's going to screw me over good if I don't settle. So what if there is $7K of inequity on top of $13K. He'll make that look good if I force a trial. He'll take the house (Why? More money for the lawyers). He'll raise child support based on the highest imputed income he can justify, and he'll assign more of opposition's ever increasing fees to me because I have a better ability to pay based on large separate assets.
Did you catch that irony, see separate is just a word in divorce, it isn't treated as separate.
The judge was talking fast and sternly, to calm myself I stared at the worst rug I have ever seen on top of a human head. It brought an inner smile, here's this powerful man with this, this, eh gads.
But I was going to have my input, I wasn't going to sit there as a mute. It's not my nature.
He starts off telling me what great lawyers I have, I audibly laughed. He said no I'm serious.
He said we both (husband and wife) can't be happy, I responded, I understand that, I never expected this process to be happy, and I have no expectation of ever being happy with any part of this process in the future.
He said I got a great parenting plan, I was speechless on that one. It might be great for a convicted felon, an abuser, or a substance abuser, but since I'm none of those it pretty well sucks.
He said that I have large separate property interests, I said I had large separate property, I had even more before my wife scammed me out of $70K when my start up went bust then told me two months later that she'd been planning divorce for some time. It is my position that she already received a large part of my separate assets.
He tells me not to nit pick ($7K is only chump change, why stoop over to pick it up off the sidewalk). I respond that the last two weeks have been spent finding serious flaws in the mathematics of the proposal.
The senior partner says well, what do you think the judge said. I responded that he threatened me to sign the damn document or I'm screwed. No, No, No he didn't say that, says the senior partner, I respond it is simple to read between the lines.
We go over all my points and where things are. My lawyer makes a math mistake and has contradictory numbers on two different documents. I quickly pointed it out, the senior partner was following along with me and my lawyer was visibly shaken.
Too make that kind of mistake on final documents is serious.
Senior partners advice - sign it, give the judge what he wants. It will put us on the moral high ground, the ball will be in her court.
While I'm in conference with my lawyers, opposition barges into the courtroom, calls away my lawyer to threaten him that at trial she will require absolute proof of all brokerage transactions, over 15 years, even though these records don't exist.
Once again, she proves, she has the biggest pair of brass balls in the courthouse. While I sit there with the senior partner, I ask him, does that bitch know she is not supposed to barge in on opposition? She was also hanging out by judge's chambers earlier trying to listen in on the private conference.
What could I do? I let the judge know my objections, I made my position clear to all involved. But ultimately I signed away another $7000 under threat and duress. I expected it. So now the senior partner will deliver the signed separation agreement and divorce decree to the judge and opposing counsel.
So here's how it works out, within 10 days of execution:
- I will sign over one retirement account by QDRO.
- She will take on debt from two joint credit cards.
- I will transfer $29,000 for a property settlement to opposition counsel (not to my wife).
- Of this $29,000 settlement, my wife's lawyer will seize at least $18,000 for past fees.
- Of the $11,000 remaining in the settlement, her lawyer will seize at least half of that in current fees.
- I will transfer $12,000 for my wife's fees directly to her lawyer.
- I will transfer $40,000 to my lawyer for fees.
So now we are awaiting my wife's signature.
Game Day # 8 Part 2; T-5 hours
It's hard for me to keep count, I think this is supposed to be the rescheduled 8th Trial Date or maybe 9th, but there's been a lot of crap that has gone on just to make the count look less ridiculous than it is.
This stuff makes me so numb. My energy is so drained, my body so bruised, my mind so fatigued and distraught, beating against an unmovable object. You'd think when someone found out their secret games, they'd let them through the back door just to keep them quiet. But who am I kidding, I'd tell the whole world after they let me past their wall of dirty tricks. So either they know that or more likely they are so cock sure of themselves that they believe they are impenetrable, that no one can undermine their house of cards that generates big bucks from stealing with a smile.
They are no better than the common thief, in fact they are so much worse. A thief knows he is doing wrong. The divorce industry (and make no mistake, it is an industry) steals every bit as badly, but with the perverted, sadistic twist of doing it in the name of the law.
Today the stakes are higher. Another law suit has been filed. My lawyer will be taking actions against me (oh yeah, they can do that, the last one did, I've been through this before).
I got some sleep Sunday, I started back into the grind in the middle of the night, think I'll be going straight through. If I lay down, I'll probably be out for hours and miss the trial.
I'll have to improvise. We'll see. Once again I am threatened with contempt of court, fines, and jail. So my next post time is uncertain.
This stuff makes me so numb. My energy is so drained, my body so bruised, my mind so fatigued and distraught, beating against an unmovable object. You'd think when someone found out their secret games, they'd let them through the back door just to keep them quiet. But who am I kidding, I'd tell the whole world after they let me past their wall of dirty tricks. So either they know that or more likely they are so cock sure of themselves that they believe they are impenetrable, that no one can undermine their house of cards that generates big bucks from stealing with a smile.
They are no better than the common thief, in fact they are so much worse. A thief knows he is doing wrong. The divorce industry (and make no mistake, it is an industry) steals every bit as badly, but with the perverted, sadistic twist of doing it in the name of the law.
Today the stakes are higher. Another law suit has been filed. My lawyer will be taking actions against me (oh yeah, they can do that, the last one did, I've been through this before).
I got some sleep Sunday, I started back into the grind in the middle of the night, think I'll be going straight through. If I lay down, I'll probably be out for hours and miss the trial.
I'll have to improvise. We'll see. Once again I am threatened with contempt of court, fines, and jail. So my next post time is uncertain.
My neice and son...
got to spend some time together at her birthday party.
They both had tons of fun,
After the party she took him to the neighbor's pond to look for toads. My son needed to take a nature walk for his bfit4kids program at school. Well this qualifed.
Geese honking, flying just over the surface of the pond, wings beating the air audibly, and then the water landing, feet dragging on the surface and big splashes as they plop down. Ducks quietly floating in the small stream. My brother and I were following just behind as we see my niece carrying a net on a pole, her girlfriend carrying a little netted cage, and my son walking next to natural beauty near a state protected marshland.
Working on court crap will finish this post later...
So what's the big deal about cousins having fun together. Well for them its against the law!
I'll tell you more... about our fucked up law that interfere with kids having fun together.
They both had tons of fun,
After the party she took him to the neighbor's pond to look for toads. My son needed to take a nature walk for his bfit4kids program at school. Well this qualifed.
Geese honking, flying just over the surface of the pond, wings beating the air audibly, and then the water landing, feet dragging on the surface and big splashes as they plop down. Ducks quietly floating in the small stream. My brother and I were following just behind as we see my niece carrying a net on a pole, her girlfriend carrying a little netted cage, and my son walking next to natural beauty near a state protected marshland.
Working on court crap will finish this post later...
So what's the big deal about cousins having fun together. Well for them its against the law!
I'll tell you more... about our fucked up law that interfere with kids having fun together.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Feeding me to the Shark
So what does the lawyer propose? He'll request a hearing with the judge. He'll probably set it up like he did everything (except error-free math) for his client and I have unreasonable expectations, blah, blah, blah, he's not listening to me, why don't you threaten him for a while?
Then he'll want to go in there, so he can defend himself with phony excuses, and have utter silence when it comes to defending me. God how paranoid, right? Where did I dream up this one? Well the last time I went to a shark feeding, of course. See the judge (shark) doesn't eat lawyers, they are full of shit. (jqism) But when a tasty non-lawyer comes in it's his chance to stroke his ego while other lawyers cower in fear and keep silent. I've done it before with lawyer #2. I know the drill, and that part is good. but no matter how many good parts there are, feeding sharks is dangerous.
And that is tomorrow's task. So Monday could turn out good or bad, but the stress is guaranteed.
Then he'll want to go in there, so he can defend himself with phony excuses, and have utter silence when it comes to defending me. God how paranoid, right? Where did I dream up this one? Well the last time I went to a shark feeding, of course. See the judge (shark) doesn't eat lawyers, they are full of shit. (jqism) But when a tasty non-lawyer comes in it's his chance to stroke his ego while other lawyers cower in fear and keep silent. I've done it before with lawyer #2. I know the drill, and that part is good. but no matter how many good parts there are, feeding sharks is dangerous.
And that is tomorrow's task. So Monday could turn out good or bad, but the stress is guaranteed.
And the pendulum swings back
Well Friday night was nice. Then comes Saturday morning.
The mailman ringsd my doorbell. Certified mail. Who from, the court? Yep, the court. See what I mean by constant unrelenting grief. Well, you can take it back to the post office, I don't want it. That means that "service of court document failed as undeliverable". So time to search for my name in the court system dockets. Just what I thought CV-07-xxxxxx, a new civil action against me. Well there's a lot more to this story, the point of this post is to show how fleeting any sense of joy can be.
Several conversations with my lawyer on the various issues? His response - "I don't know what you want me to do". Simple observation - He's playing dumb. Translation - "I don't want to fix this, for any number of reasons". The obvious answer, which then generates a circular argument and increased fees is "Do your job asshole, and make an attempt to get these issues resolved, even if it means removing your lips from various' asses".
All in all, a rather poor Saturday morning.
The mailman ringsd my doorbell. Certified mail. Who from, the court? Yep, the court. See what I mean by constant unrelenting grief. Well, you can take it back to the post office, I don't want it. That means that "service of court document failed as undeliverable". So time to search for my name in the court system dockets. Just what I thought CV-07-xxxxxx, a new civil action against me. Well there's a lot more to this story, the point of this post is to show how fleeting any sense of joy can be.
Several conversations with my lawyer on the various issues? His response - "I don't know what you want me to do". Simple observation - He's playing dumb. Translation - "I don't want to fix this, for any number of reasons". The obvious answer, which then generates a circular argument and increased fees is "Do your job asshole, and make an attempt to get these issues resolved, even if it means removing your lips from various' asses".
All in all, a rather poor Saturday morning.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
A pleasant surprise...
Out of the blue, I get a call, late yesterday evening, I instantly recognized her voice, I haven't seen her in several years, I first heard her voice many years ago in college. We talked for over an hour, she was calling to let me know that a mutual friend was in town for a wedding. This is the same friend I mentioned (to some of you) who used to throw the do-not-miss parties.
So we arranged to meet in our old neighborhood. We talked for hours, it was great to see them again. We talked about old times, fun times, my divorce was an aside, oh BTW, for 2 minutes.
I hadn't done the math, I guess it has been 27 years since I first met these two girls. So many good times, so many memories. It was a great reminder of how good my life was, how good it could yet be.
So we arranged to meet in our old neighborhood. We talked for hours, it was great to see them again. We talked about old times, fun times, my divorce was an aside, oh BTW, for 2 minutes.
I hadn't done the math, I guess it has been 27 years since I first met these two girls. So many good times, so many memories. It was a great reminder of how good my life was, how good it could yet be.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
BTW, these are new errors
I just realized, you may be having a deja vu experience in reading my post about math errors. But this is a new set of errors. The last set of errors were related to manual calculations of home values (down payment, separate contributions, fair market value, outstanding mortgage debt, total equity, separate equity) . these calculations involve simple math. But they were done on a legal pad and miscopyed.
This new set of errors have a root cause of a completely new proposal from opposition. Well that's to be expected right? No. After repeated requests to participate in settlement talks since Sept 2006, the judge ordered the defense counsel to prepare a settlement at my expense and for the Plaintiff to submit objections to it. It was specifically intended that Plaintiff had lost the right to submit a proposal by being non-responsive for 6 months. So my lawyer (defense) submitted the proposal to the court, it went through several rounds of objections, then on the very last day, when supposedly all issues were resolved, she comes walking in with a completely new proposal.
Now you might think that the judge should simply inform Plaintiff that she must have her case files mixed up and this matter was done. Or failing the judge being awake enough to utter the needed words, as defense counsel (affectionately referred to as pussy, or fuckin ball-less pussy for emphasis), you would politely request that the judge re-instruct the Plaintiff. Of course you'd be dead wrong, because you don't think like a judge or a lawyer. And that's probably a good thing, because their thought process is nothing to envy.
One source of new errors were payments made outside the enforcement agency. Now this agency has plenty of trouble keeping track of what they do know, they sure won't handle what they don't know. It wasn't an accident that these payments were made outside the enforcement agency, it was made as a demand by the opposition, the same opposition who "forgot" to include them, the same opposition who got the county prosecutor involved, and who then portrayed me as a deadbeat to the judge as leverage to portray me in her artificially created bad light.
The fact of the mater is that once again, it has been proven, after the fact, that no time, in the two years when I have been repeatedly labeled as a deadbeat did I ever fall behind in child support and in fact overpaid substantially. But the judge was shown a correspondence from the county prosecutor showing I had exceeded the second threshold of deadbeat status, making me eligible for the state deadbeat poster program. So those of you who know my state may be able to see my driver's license photo online.
I complained to my lawyer that this was prejudicial and not accidental either.
Another new source of errors I alluded to is an area that would cause very adverse tax consequences. Another non-accident since her client had a similar transaction and she suggested a 30% offset to cover taxes, however on the same transaction she forgot to suggest that for me.
I will inform the court that both counsel's are mathematical idiots and either he gives me two days to evaluate each substantial change or he appoints a court CPA to deal with all math.
Is this reasonable, twice in one week, they have made $10K errors on a $100K settlement, that's 10%. The court's in a hurry, OK. How about this, stop changing things. Or how about this, I'll go with less checking if each counsel puts up a $30K cash bond and they submit to our state's triple damages statutory penalty for consumer fraud.
This new set of errors have a root cause of a completely new proposal from opposition. Well that's to be expected right? No. After repeated requests to participate in settlement talks since Sept 2006, the judge ordered the defense counsel to prepare a settlement at my expense and for the Plaintiff to submit objections to it. It was specifically intended that Plaintiff had lost the right to submit a proposal by being non-responsive for 6 months. So my lawyer (defense) submitted the proposal to the court, it went through several rounds of objections, then on the very last day, when supposedly all issues were resolved, she comes walking in with a completely new proposal.
Now you might think that the judge should simply inform Plaintiff that she must have her case files mixed up and this matter was done. Or failing the judge being awake enough to utter the needed words, as defense counsel (affectionately referred to as pussy, or fuckin ball-less pussy for emphasis), you would politely request that the judge re-instruct the Plaintiff. Of course you'd be dead wrong, because you don't think like a judge or a lawyer. And that's probably a good thing, because their thought process is nothing to envy.
One source of new errors were payments made outside the enforcement agency. Now this agency has plenty of trouble keeping track of what they do know, they sure won't handle what they don't know. It wasn't an accident that these payments were made outside the enforcement agency, it was made as a demand by the opposition, the same opposition who "forgot" to include them, the same opposition who got the county prosecutor involved, and who then portrayed me as a deadbeat to the judge as leverage to portray me in her artificially created bad light.
The fact of the mater is that once again, it has been proven, after the fact, that no time, in the two years when I have been repeatedly labeled as a deadbeat did I ever fall behind in child support and in fact overpaid substantially. But the judge was shown a correspondence from the county prosecutor showing I had exceeded the second threshold of deadbeat status, making me eligible for the state deadbeat poster program. So those of you who know my state may be able to see my driver's license photo online.
I complained to my lawyer that this was prejudicial and not accidental either.
Another new source of errors I alluded to is an area that would cause very adverse tax consequences. Another non-accident since her client had a similar transaction and she suggested a 30% offset to cover taxes, however on the same transaction she forgot to suggest that for me.
I will inform the court that both counsel's are mathematical idiots and either he gives me two days to evaluate each substantial change or he appoints a court CPA to deal with all math.
Is this reasonable, twice in one week, they have made $10K errors on a $100K settlement, that's 10%. The court's in a hurry, OK. How about this, stop changing things. Or how about this, I'll go with less checking if each counsel puts up a $30K cash bond and they submit to our state's triple damages statutory penalty for consumer fraud.
Showing my hand...
Obviously, one should not show their hand until the right time. At this point, it is moot. I've tipped my hand and I think they know it. They think I'm bluffing, they are willing to risk it, not because they have accessed the risk, but because they are so damn arrogant and cock sure of themselves. So why not share my hand and solicit ideas.
This case weighs heavy on my life for so many reasons. The closest thing I could describe it as is an obsession. But let's just correct that right away, I'm obsessed with preventing the destruction of my future. Faced with certain life destruction, I believe this is a normal, healthy, self preservation response. Faced with this level of destruction, can you go on with daily trivial life issues as if this looming annihilation is a minor inconvenience. Faced with four court ordered seizures totaling $50K (yes they can and did do this to me) would you be clipping dollar off coupons or direct most of your energy to preventing seizures? If you picked the first, I tell you flat out that won't be the case when this issue looms within your sight.
There is another process, denial and shutdown. Another alternative of self preservation, fight or flight. Flight to using the minds amazing ability to protect itself by turning off emotions or by slipping into depression to prevent the high stress and likely futile fight.
Under prolonged stress you may slide between these fight and flight processes. Over time I have built up the fight arsenal. Even under severe stress at Monday's meeting as I wait in the hallway for strangers to decide my future, I was updating my fight response. Watching for my lawyer and hitting the PG DN key as he approached. He knew. He glimpsed the familiar court heading required by our local rules. But arrogance prevents his accepting that I may do it. Even after I made good on leaving court, he is clueless that my other threats will also be carried out.
So what will be finished as I enter court next?
On Tuesday, I inserted a crow bar in their stone wall, called their bluff and opened the crack wide enough to walk through. I was not jailed as threatened. I think my chance went from 1% to 10%.
They practice intimidation so you are afraid to stand up to their self proclaimed power and in doing so they are able to get you to run in retreat, to victimize yourself.
I'm going to stand up to them, I will not cower in their intimidation, I will empower myself rather than allow them to intimate me into victimizing myself.
I will offer a way out, a compromise, a more balanced settlement. I will show them what my lawyer didn't care to. In a fair trial, my outcome would be much better, but here is a more balanced compromise, here is why the Plaintiff had better not continue chipping on the cantilevered support. It will fall on their head. Judge you don't understand why the Plaintiff should compromise. I'll give you some help with that. Oh and while I'm at it I'll demonstrate the lawyer's inappropriate fees and maybe you can rule on that too.
This case weighs heavy on my life for so many reasons. The closest thing I could describe it as is an obsession. But let's just correct that right away, I'm obsessed with preventing the destruction of my future. Faced with certain life destruction, I believe this is a normal, healthy, self preservation response. Faced with this level of destruction, can you go on with daily trivial life issues as if this looming annihilation is a minor inconvenience. Faced with four court ordered seizures totaling $50K (yes they can and did do this to me) would you be clipping dollar off coupons or direct most of your energy to preventing seizures? If you picked the first, I tell you flat out that won't be the case when this issue looms within your sight.
There is another process, denial and shutdown. Another alternative of self preservation, fight or flight. Flight to using the minds amazing ability to protect itself by turning off emotions or by slipping into depression to prevent the high stress and likely futile fight.
Under prolonged stress you may slide between these fight and flight processes. Over time I have built up the fight arsenal. Even under severe stress at Monday's meeting as I wait in the hallway for strangers to decide my future, I was updating my fight response. Watching for my lawyer and hitting the PG DN key as he approached. He knew. He glimpsed the familiar court heading required by our local rules. But arrogance prevents his accepting that I may do it. Even after I made good on leaving court, he is clueless that my other threats will also be carried out.
So what will be finished as I enter court next?
Motion of AppearanceWhy should anyone care or act, why not continue stonewalling, that has worked well so far? That is very possible, but not guaranteed. When an arrogant individual is cock sure of themselves and is faced with a scenario they never prepared for, it can have a shock value. If it has a 1% chance of affecting 10% of an unfair $100K settlement, would you do it, or is it chump change?
Objection to Fees
Schedule of Exhibits
Exhibit A – Response to Complaint for Divorce
Exhibit B – Parenting Time Issues
Exhibit C – Financial Settlement Issues
Exhibit D – Plaintiff Fees
Exhibit E – Legal Representation for Defense
Exhibit F – Agreements under Duress, Plaintiff Tactics – Delay and Intimidation
On Tuesday, I inserted a crow bar in their stone wall, called their bluff and opened the crack wide enough to walk through. I was not jailed as threatened. I think my chance went from 1% to 10%.
They practice intimidation so you are afraid to stand up to their self proclaimed power and in doing so they are able to get you to run in retreat, to victimize yourself.
I'm going to stand up to them, I will not cower in their intimidation, I will empower myself rather than allow them to intimate me into victimizing myself.
I will offer a way out, a compromise, a more balanced settlement. I will show them what my lawyer didn't care to. In a fair trial, my outcome would be much better, but here is a more balanced compromise, here is why the Plaintiff had better not continue chipping on the cantilevered support. It will fall on their head. Judge you don't understand why the Plaintiff should compromise. I'll give you some help with that. Oh and while I'm at it I'll demonstrate the lawyer's inappropriate fees and maybe you can rule on that too.
Senior Partner Notified of Chump Change
Sometimes in life you have to swallow turds. I have a gag reflex, I don't like turds.
I called the senior partner and asked a simple question, can you guys handle math? I am very irritated by math errors I would characterize as careless. I managed a half million dollars of public funds and if I made these kinds of errors I'd be fired and jailed. Call it a character flaw, an obsessive personality trait, I hung with accountants, purchasing agents and the CFO for any technology purchase over $100K University wide. That is where I set the bar.
If you can't do it, admit it, say it's out of scope, say get a CPA. Fine. But don't get this sensitivity crap that I'm criticizing you when I get terribly agitated by these errors.
To me chump change is what I carry in my wallet, less than a $100. If I loose more than that it's a problem. When you guys are making errors in the thousands or tens of thousands that is above my tolerance for error.
Errors are caused by haste, large roundoff, legal pad transcriptions, memory mistakes, improper use of spreadsheets and advocacy failures. They are all avoidable. They should be rare. This is the second conversation on this topic this week. Fix it.
My lawyer called 30 minutes later, with an improved tone. He'll be fixing them.
And if I hadn't done a very careful review (I admit they are subtle), I would have lost over $10K. On my best days, I don't make $10K at work. But that's what I found in two days. Two days the court wanted to compress to 15 minutes. I would have missed them in 15 minutes too. I grew up with the phrase "haste makes waste." It sure does.
If it's chump change, decide in 15 minutes, if its more, invest the time. You'll be glad you did.
(jqism)
I called the senior partner and asked a simple question, can you guys handle math? I am very irritated by math errors I would characterize as careless. I managed a half million dollars of public funds and if I made these kinds of errors I'd be fired and jailed. Call it a character flaw, an obsessive personality trait, I hung with accountants, purchasing agents and the CFO for any technology purchase over $100K University wide. That is where I set the bar.
If you can't do it, admit it, say it's out of scope, say get a CPA. Fine. But don't get this sensitivity crap that I'm criticizing you when I get terribly agitated by these errors.
To me chump change is what I carry in my wallet, less than a $100. If I loose more than that it's a problem. When you guys are making errors in the thousands or tens of thousands that is above my tolerance for error.
Errors are caused by haste, large roundoff, legal pad transcriptions, memory mistakes, improper use of spreadsheets and advocacy failures. They are all avoidable. They should be rare. This is the second conversation on this topic this week. Fix it.
My lawyer called 30 minutes later, with an improved tone. He'll be fixing them.
And if I hadn't done a very careful review (I admit they are subtle), I would have lost over $10K. On my best days, I don't make $10K at work. But that's what I found in two days. Two days the court wanted to compress to 15 minutes. I would have missed them in 15 minutes too. I grew up with the phrase "haste makes waste." It sure does.
If it's chump change, decide in 15 minutes, if its more, invest the time. You'll be glad you did.
(jqism)
What do you consider chump change?
Where do place round off error? If you drop a penny or a nickel in the street and traffic is heavy it would be foolish to risk your life for it.
How about a dime, a quarter, a dollar?
OK, let's make it easy, how about $10,000. Would you walk away and say oh well, it was chump change? Would you risk traffic to pick it up? Would you risk contempt of court and jail time?
It's not hypothetical. I have found $10,000 in errors so far in Tuesday's settlement.
Would that make you feel uncomfortable? Would you be upset? Would your trust in your "advocate" remain intact? Would you continue checking for more errors, or be happy finding that?
How did this happen? Careless, greed, and poor business practice. Could you keep quiet about it?
I feel that this repeated level of abuse rises to a level where it should be known. How? News media? Court document?
I really would like your feedback.
When I bring this stuff up, they mumble, and get defensive, and treat me like I'm some kind of nutty ingrate for questioning how these mistakes were made and how they will be prevented.
They give me their classic response, if you're unhappy, fire us and we'll seize your property to pay our fees that we charged you for making careless mistakes.
Tell me can you do that in your line of work? I can't, but maybe I have an old fashioned work ethic and my bosses take advantage of that. Maybe I'm not "with it" for 21st century work expectations. What do you think?
How about a dime, a quarter, a dollar?
OK, let's make it easy, how about $10,000. Would you walk away and say oh well, it was chump change? Would you risk traffic to pick it up? Would you risk contempt of court and jail time?
It's not hypothetical. I have found $10,000 in errors so far in Tuesday's settlement.
Would that make you feel uncomfortable? Would you be upset? Would your trust in your "advocate" remain intact? Would you continue checking for more errors, or be happy finding that?
How did this happen? Careless, greed, and poor business practice. Could you keep quiet about it?
I feel that this repeated level of abuse rises to a level where it should be known. How? News media? Court document?
I really would like your feedback.
When I bring this stuff up, they mumble, and get defensive, and treat me like I'm some kind of nutty ingrate for questioning how these mistakes were made and how they will be prevented.
They give me their classic response, if you're unhappy, fire us and we'll seize your property to pay our fees that we charged you for making careless mistakes.
Tell me can you do that in your line of work? I can't, but maybe I have an old fashioned work ethic and my bosses take advantage of that. Maybe I'm not "with it" for 21st century work expectations. What do you think?
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Hey pussy, ya seem a little jumpy
My lawyer is going over the latest changes and how much ground I've lost, and I'm taking copious notes. Well like any good lawyer, he doesn't want to be quoted or put something in writing, so he can maintain plenty of wiggle room. He says you don't need to write that down.
I couldn't help myself. I told him, "Well I'm writing a book, do you want an autographed copy?"
He didn't think that was funny. He gives me so much shit, I just can't help myself sometimes to toss one back at him, it's a bad habit, but I need every stress outlet I can find. (evil grin).
I couldn't help myself. I told him, "Well I'm writing a book, do you want an autographed copy?"
He didn't think that was funny. He gives me so much shit, I just can't help myself sometimes to toss one back at him, it's a bad habit, but I need every stress outlet I can find. (evil grin).
Why be anxious?
People in this case have told me, it's only money, just get it over with. You'll feel better. it's worth it for your peace of mind. Sounds plausible.
Let's get specific, got a dollar amount, a percentage of total assets, a blank check, or the sky's the limit.
Well in my case it's everything I have. And when it's being taken by pompous cavalier assholes, who aren't giving you any time to cope with it. It's just beyond ridiculous.
And even if my lawyer was a good advocate, as he often claims and pretends to be, there are the paltry results and sloppiness to consider. Pardon me, I like to judge by results, what have you billed, what did I get, how much was lost, how many times did I have to ask you?
Then there is the sloppy math mistakes and the lies I catch. When you loose count of these negative attributes, can you achieve "peace of mind"?
We were talking about tax consequences of a forced liquidation. He was scribbling, fussing, calculator, spreadsheet. I had my laptop open too, but didn't have that spreadsheet open. I rattled off cost, basis, current value, tax rate and net tax increase, while leaning back in his chair with my hands behind my head. I looked at him and said "Look no hands" (my bad). What's the difference, I care, it's my money, I worked hard for it. He had the same info in advance, he had the same question, in advance.
To protect my interests, shouldn't he know these details? They are straight forward calculations. Let's say that's out of scope. OK. Then I have a big problem with him making uninformed decisions regarding that money. Either you know your facts or you keep your mouth shut. Simple isn't it.
And besides my procrastination tendencies, I have a very legitimate and practical reason, I don't trust even my own lawyer, he has a serious conflict, he has a big receivable that he wants to seize like a starving wild animal. I would have stayed current but he was unwilling and unable to unfreeze my assets. So I have no qualms about owing him money. I pay my bills for results.
When you stand to loose another $100K, I think it is reasonable to spend a few hundred dollars to have an independent CPA review of options to insure your interest and that kind of money is protected. That's what I call piece of mind.
Having some greedy lawyer with a higher pressure sales pitch then the worst used car salesman you ever met, isn't my idea of piece of mind. In my book I'd call that desperation or stupid
or both.
And there is one more thing that makes me anxious and uncomfortable. This has been going on for over two years and you think I should make a $100K decision in two hours, call me what you will, procrastinator, indecisive, what ever, but not desperate or stupid.
Let's get specific, got a dollar amount, a percentage of total assets, a blank check, or the sky's the limit.
Well in my case it's everything I have. And when it's being taken by pompous cavalier assholes, who aren't giving you any time to cope with it. It's just beyond ridiculous.
And even if my lawyer was a good advocate, as he often claims and pretends to be, there are the paltry results and sloppiness to consider. Pardon me, I like to judge by results, what have you billed, what did I get, how much was lost, how many times did I have to ask you?
Then there is the sloppy math mistakes and the lies I catch. When you loose count of these negative attributes, can you achieve "peace of mind"?
We were talking about tax consequences of a forced liquidation. He was scribbling, fussing, calculator, spreadsheet. I had my laptop open too, but didn't have that spreadsheet open. I rattled off cost, basis, current value, tax rate and net tax increase, while leaning back in his chair with my hands behind my head. I looked at him and said "Look no hands" (my bad). What's the difference, I care, it's my money, I worked hard for it. He had the same info in advance, he had the same question, in advance.
To protect my interests, shouldn't he know these details? They are straight forward calculations. Let's say that's out of scope. OK. Then I have a big problem with him making uninformed decisions regarding that money. Either you know your facts or you keep your mouth shut. Simple isn't it.
And besides my procrastination tendencies, I have a very legitimate and practical reason, I don't trust even my own lawyer, he has a serious conflict, he has a big receivable that he wants to seize like a starving wild animal. I would have stayed current but he was unwilling and unable to unfreeze my assets. So I have no qualms about owing him money. I pay my bills for results.
When you stand to loose another $100K, I think it is reasonable to spend a few hundred dollars to have an independent CPA review of options to insure your interest and that kind of money is protected. That's what I call piece of mind.
Having some greedy lawyer with a higher pressure sales pitch then the worst used car salesman you ever met, isn't my idea of piece of mind. In my book I'd call that desperation or stupid
or both.
And there is one more thing that makes me anxious and uncomfortable. This has been going on for over two years and you think I should make a $100K decision in two hours, call me what you will, procrastinator, indecisive, what ever, but not desperate or stupid.
A special message to my own lawyer
Opps, I slipped up by saying "my web page" and a key phrase that if you googled correctly might take you here. So if you are my lawyer, you must exit now. You don't need to read this to see if you recognize yourself, you know its you and me, so just leave, you won't like what you read.
Terms of service prevent my own lawyer and party of the case from reviewing this Blog, you must exit now.
Violation of terms of service will be litigated to recover any damages by a party of the case reading or disclosing the contents of this Blog to the author's determent.
To my regular readers:
Opps, if I suddenly go offline, it's because of some fall out. Hopefully my lawyer is as computer inept as I think and he won't find me.
Terms of service prevent my own lawyer and party of the case from reviewing this Blog, you must exit now.
Violation of terms of service will be litigated to recover any damages by a party of the case reading or disclosing the contents of this Blog to the author's determent.
To my regular readers:
Opps, if I suddenly go offline, it's because of some fall out. Hopefully my lawyer is as computer inept as I think and he won't find me.
Deadbeat again
I told three different lawyers over the long span when my bonus was held for child support that all child support should go through the support agency so it wouldn't create a problem. They didn't listen, seized my funds, paid them directly to my wife and provided no record to me or the enforcement agency.
The enforcement agency officially listed me as deadbeat, took enforcement actions, filed a notice to all credit agency's, dropped my credit score, seized IRS returns indefinitely, so now I don't file taxes and am a federal offender, listed me on the federal state department seized passport list to restrict my travel and was one week from suspending my driver's license. All of these actions occurred while I repeatedly protested that 2.5 years of child support was in escrow and 5 months was already paid directly to my wife.
The hired bitch was responsible for setting this up. She's out done herself. Remember she demanded payment bypass the enforcement agency. Now she filed a complaint to the county prosecutor for an enforcement audit, which did not see the payment she diverted. It is over the new reduced deadbeat threshold of $2500 so now the county prosecutor will start criminal proceedings to have me jailed as a habitual deadbeat. Not to worry, lawyers can fix that, I just need to hire a criminal defense lawyer.
Probably time to get a monthly parking permit at the justice center now that I'll be a criminal and divorce defendant. While I'm down there I should check on the homeless shelters for when they seize my house. Make friends with the street people.
The enforcement agency officially listed me as deadbeat, took enforcement actions, filed a notice to all credit agency's, dropped my credit score, seized IRS returns indefinitely, so now I don't file taxes and am a federal offender, listed me on the federal state department seized passport list to restrict my travel and was one week from suspending my driver's license. All of these actions occurred while I repeatedly protested that 2.5 years of child support was in escrow and 5 months was already paid directly to my wife.
The hired bitch was responsible for setting this up. She's out done herself. Remember she demanded payment bypass the enforcement agency. Now she filed a complaint to the county prosecutor for an enforcement audit, which did not see the payment she diverted. It is over the new reduced deadbeat threshold of $2500 so now the county prosecutor will start criminal proceedings to have me jailed as a habitual deadbeat. Not to worry, lawyers can fix that, I just need to hire a criminal defense lawyer.
Probably time to get a monthly parking permit at the justice center now that I'll be a criminal and divorce defendant. While I'm down there I should check on the homeless shelters for when they seize my house. Make friends with the street people.
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