Collateral Damage

Getting divorced, loosing your spouse, breaking up the family is only the beginning. If that's as far as it went it would be bad enough. But it has a ripple effect that leaves no aspect of your life untouched. For the purposes of this post, I'll discuss it's social impact with emphasis in participating in school activities.

When it's a messy divorce, or if one spouse is manipulative, social relationships get tense, people feel a need to take sides or disconnect completely. Sometimes they will see things that make them tense. My lawyers choose to use service by certified mail to opposing counsel. My wife's lawyer chose to serve by armed sheriff to my residence (scaring my son on one occasion) and to my investment brokers business office. She probably tried to pull that stunt on my employer as well, but since my employer is one of the largest employers in that county, has their own security force closely cooperating with the county sheriff, that probably failed for those reasons. Nothing like making my neighbors a little tense about me when they see regular sheriff visits.

Then of course the harassment at work, repeated calls to HR, payroll, legal, and even interruptions to me and my coworkers at work. Last minute notifications, you need to be in court or deliver documents tomorrow. But I'm workin a shit shift, 12 hours plus 2 hour commute. I come home tired, exhausted, now I had to comply or be in contempt. Plenty of times I was threatened with contempt, many times by formal motion to the court. Just all part of the 66 motions against me 825% above the uncontested dissolution rate.

Oh but that was just the beginning, she practiced aggressive discovery, how aggressive? Motion to "Enter upon Lands" by force to seize documents and possessions. Since my lawyers were unable and unwilling to stop multiple attempts at forced entry into my home, I had to take action to notify police of this disruption and was advised to post notice. So in large print on my garage doors is a sign: "POSTED NO TRESPASSING BY COURT ORDER [jurisdiction] VOL [vol#] PGS [page#] Exclusive access is granted to petitioner, I grant access to no one." So she attempted to bluff her way in, so I had to add a second notice - "NOTICE: - opposition counsel has applied for but not been granted access to lands, any claim by anyone, must be proved and served in advance on my legal counsel, who will apply for an emergency stay."

And let's not forget how this all started, my wife's decision to violate a written agreement and advice of counselors on the moral violation of removing our son from his home without prior written permission. This was quite a wakeup call for our low crime suburban neighborhood when the police were called on a kidnapping complaint and brought the K9 unit, detective unit, and Police Lieutenant to the scene.

Of course the duty of the officers was to tell me that it was fine for her to take him, we live in a possession county where children are the property of either parent. They threatened my brother with arrest for blocking my driveway and when I told the officer what I thought of him he unsnapped his side arm and informed me he felt threatened and may need to use force. "You're gonna shoot me?" I asked, "You think I'm gonna take down three officers and a K9 with my bare hands?"

What effect did this have on my neighbors? On my relationship with my broker? On my job? Well, it got me canned eventually!

When the officer's refused to let me say goodbye to my pajama clad son as he was strapped into the car, what effect did that have, will it have, on my son. My son did ask, "Daddy why were the barking dogs making you go away?" BIC?

In divorce, it's usually a choice - winner and looser. Well actually the lawyers are always the first winner, but taking them out of a picture, someone will be given the custodial rights and usually a lot of other things. This is an artifact left over from divorce with cause which is very uncommon now. In divorce with cause it might make sense. If it is a divorce of convenience or an unadmitted cause then it produces a victim rather than justice.

My wife and I had always been active as school volunteers. The first school year I mounted a successful information campaign letting everyone know that I was to be an involved father. So what happened the following year, my son's teacher chose her. Now we were involved in different activities, I helped with computers and my wife helped with journal writing. We weren't even there on the same days. Gosh if they choose me they coulda got a twofer (lol).

I was popular with the students and teachers. I'd arrive early at the lab, check all equipment, and fix anything before they started. The technical coordinator appreciated not having to run to the lab on an emergency call. If the next class was short a volunteer I'd stay over and do a double (just like work). Working at the elementary school is different, but 19 years on support staff and 10 years as an instructor at a University gives me some familiarity with educational environment. My son came home the first week to report that "The two of the assistants put together don't know what you do Daddy, I had to show them how to connect to the Internet".

Of all the times I've volunteered I've only been accepted by our Science Fair because the teacher doesn't decide this school wide activity. With elementary school being mainly staffed by women, doesn't it make sense to take advantage of a male volunteer? The head of the science program thinks so.

One wonders what my wife said to get me picked as a looser. Well maybe other people need a chance too. OK, am I other people? Now that decree is final and my wife has custody, it is my burden to contact everyone who has a relationship with my son and prove that I have parental rights, to assert those rights, and to enforce the order against my wife to cooperate in that matter. The order asks her to cooperate, not make it easy, not volunteer that I have any rights.

So who wins on leaving out a qualified volunteer? I really want to know. I'd feel better knowing someone won. It doesn't have to be me, but shouldn't it be somebody?

Status: First Draft - Updated 06/01/07 12:15 pm